Almost a Mother

Today I went to see my mom and her husband, and my sister and nephew.  We were out shopping and we were checking out.  I had asked my mom to buy something and split it and then right before she paid for her stuff, I slipped it in her pile, trying to be sneaky (this is a common joke-me trying to get her to pay for stuff for me :).  Anyway, the checkout clerk thought this was funny, and he said sarcastically, "Happy Mother's Day" referring/joking about the fact that it is Mother's Day, but my mom was buying ME something.

Anyway, I laughed and my nephew, who is 6, says out loud:

"Well, Aunt Christy was almost a mother."

I wanted to die.  Crawl in a hole.  I wanted to scream.  He is 6, I kept saying to myself.  He has no idea. He is 6.  You can't yell at him.  What would I yell?  Why would I yell?  I hate this anger.

I quietly walked out and sat in the cry and began to cry.  He looked at me a couple of times and I could tell he was confused.  He's 6, He's 6, He's 6.  He's just a kid.

The fact of the matter is-I need to learn to deal with this.  I need to learn that people are going to say things that are going to hurt, to sting, to make me feel empty to my core.

The thing is-THE THING IS!  I AM A MOTHER.

Yes, it is different.  Yes, I should have my babies here on Earth, but I don't.  But it doesn't change the fact that I am a mother to two babies.  And I'm not crazy, I know that my nephew has no idea, and I'm not even insinuating that anyone would think otherwise.  It's that I need to say this, write this, think this, because it is hard for me to believe, to really, truly believe.

I am a mother.  I will always be a mother.  I am.  I am.