So, I had my postpartum doctor appointment today. I was ok arriving at the clinic, I was ok in the waiting room, I was ok getting weighed and all that, and then I got into "the room." This would be the room I was in for every single check-up for the babies. Where I first heard their heartbeats. Where my doctor said, "You are making an excellent home for these babies-what lucky ones they are" and I smiled so big and played it over and over in my head the whole night.
I sat down in this room, and the nurse, the lovely nurse asked, "Are you in any pain?" and I just looked at her and burst into tears. Which in turn made her burst into tears.
So then the doc came in, and while I know she does care about me, I could tell she was asking some questions just to make sure I'm not ok, and not falling into some deep, dark depression. After we had a good conversation, she looked me in the eye and asked, "What does the future hold for you and Brian?"
What a question.
Of course, I've thought about the future. If you define future as tomorrow, or this weekend, or just maybe the end of the month . But the future-future? That pretty much went out the window with the death of these babies. I mean, not literally. We, I'm sure, have a wonderful future. We will have babies some day, a great family, we will get to be mommy and daddy to someone besides our spunky puppy dog. But trying to think of that now is hard. I mean, seriously hard.
I thought about it for a moment. The bitter, sarcastic side of me (yes, that side of me is still there!) wanted to say, "Well, I know what's not in it-my babies" but my doctor didn't deserve that. I mumbled and stumbled and answered something about how we will have a family and grow our marriage stronger.
But really, has someone every looked you in the eye and asked you point.blank. What does the future hold?
Contrary to the title of this blog, I am a mother. I gave birth to boy/girl fraternal twins who died shortly thereafter due to exreme prematurity and infection after a premature rupture of membranes. I am blogging my way through this journey that I wish I didn't have to take.