Monday, May 18, 2009

The Future

So, I had my postpartum doctor appointment today.  I was ok arriving at the clinic, I was ok in the waiting room, I was ok getting weighed and all that, and then I got into "the room."  This would be the room I was in for every single check-up for the babies.  Where I first heard their heartbeats.  Where my doctor said, "You are making an excellent home for these babies-what lucky ones they are" and I smiled so big and played it over and over in my head the whole night.
I sat down in this room, and the nurse, the lovely nurse asked, "Are you in any pain?" and I just looked at her and burst into tears.  Which in turn made her burst into tears.  
So then the doc came in, and while I know she does care about me, I could tell she was asking some questions just to make sure I'm not ok, and not falling into some deep, dark depression.  After we had a good conversation, she looked me in the eye and asked, "What does the future hold for you and Brian?"
What a question.
Of course, I've thought about the future.  If you define future as tomorrow, or this weekend, or just maybe the end of the month .  But the future-future?  That pretty much went out the window with the death of these babies. I mean, not literally.  We, I'm sure, have a wonderful future.  We will have babies some day, a great family, we will get to be mommy and daddy to someone besides our spunky puppy dog.  But trying to think of that now is hard.  I mean, seriously hard.  
I thought about it for a moment.  The bitter, sarcastic side of me (yes, that side of me is still there!) wanted to say, "Well, I know what's not in it-my babies" but my doctor didn't deserve that.  I mumbled and stumbled and answered something about how we will have a family and grow our marriage stronger.
But really, has someone every looked you in the eye and asked you point.blank.  What does the future hold?
Food for thought, I guess.