Saturday, May 9, 2009

Almost a Mother

Today I went to see my mom and her husband, and my sister and nephew.  We were out shopping and we were checking out.  I had asked my mom to buy something and split it and then right before she paid for her stuff, I slipped it in her pile, trying to be sneaky (this is a common joke-me trying to get her to pay for stuff for me :).  Anyway, the checkout clerk thought this was funny, and he said sarcastically, "Happy Mother's Day" referring/joking about the fact that it is Mother's Day, but my mom was buying ME something.
Anyway, I laughed and my nephew, who is 6, says out loud:
"Well, Aunt Christy was almost a mother."

I wanted to die.  Crawl in a hole.  I wanted to scream.  He is 6, I kept saying to myself.  He has no idea. He is 6.  You can't yell at him.  What would I yell?  Why would I yell?  I hate this anger.

I quietly walked out and sat in the cry and began to cry.  He looked at me a couple of times and I could tell he was confused.  He's 6, He's 6, He's 6.  He's just a kid.

The fact of the matter is-I need to learn to deal with this.  I need to learn that people are going to say things that are going to hurt, to sting, to make me feel empty to my core.

The thing is-THE THING IS!  I AM A MOTHER.

Yes, it is different.  Yes, I should have my babies here on Earth, but I don't.  But it doesn't change the fact that I am a mother to two babies.  And I'm not crazy, I know that my nephew has no idea, and I'm not even insinuating that anyone would think otherwise.  It's that I need to say this, write this, think this, because it is hard for me to believe, to really, truly believe.

I am a mother.  I will always be a mother.  I am.  I am.


sweetsalty kate said...

Oh Christy, you are a mother. The way I see it is that our babies choose us to be their mothers, with purpose. I don't mean to imprint my own outlook on you.. it's just my way of agreeing with you.

You are a mother. You simply have the same imbalance that we all have. It's a problem of dimensions... them on one, us on the other.

Catherine W said...

You are a mother Christy. You truly are.
You are Sophie and Aiden's mother.
You have had to go through the hardest experience of motherhood that anyone can imagine. You were there for your children, through their entire lives, and you still are there for them today, remembering.