Saturday, May 23, 2009


Remember how in gym class we had to learn how to square dance?  Well, I did anyway.  And the dance partner I always had had wet sleeves, which totally perplexed me all the time, as well as grossing me out.  I'm pretty sure that he sucked on them.
Anyway, promenade left! is one of the commands, but in french "faire une promenade" is a really fun way to say talk a stroll :)  I love saying it, and I love going for walks.  In our county we have these walking/running/biking paths that were made where the old railroad tracks used to be.  My favorite one starts just down the road from us where there is a giant statue of a sunfish (random?) and you have to go down all these steps to get to it.  Once you're down there, the path follows along the Mississippi.  You can see the sunset over the amazing river, as well as boaters and fisherman.  It is SO amazingly peaceful.  Brian and I go with Louis and we walk as long as the puppy can hold up, just talking.  It's a great time to talk without distraction.  No internet, no phone, etc.  It's hard to be angry there.  Just a good time to reflect.
It's looking like we are going to put our house up for sale---we just have one more step in the meantime.  On Tuesday we are going with our realtor to take a walk through the house we want and try to find some things that we don't like about it!  Then if we still think we want it, we'll have our realtor make an offer contingent that our house sells, and we'll put ours on the market.  I'm feeling hopeful, but as I've really learned in life the past year, it really doesn' t pay to get your hopes up.  That said, I refuse to turn into a pessimist.  I just think you can be hopeful, and just learn to cope with disappointment.  
I also decided to put the cribs and changing table on craigslist.  This was really hard for me.  Since the babies died I really thought we'd just keep it-in my mind, we will be having other kids, and so it will come in use.  But recently, I've been struggling with this.   I know that everyone does what they choose-when my mom's baby was born still, her moms went home before she got there and they cleaned everything out like it had never been there.  I would have been horrified by this, I think.  I've gone in there a few times lately just to sit and have a good cry when I needed to get the hurt out.  But now, I realize that I want a new start.  Not to forget the babies-trust me, I never will-and I am not worried about that.  But for the next baby, I want to pick out new things for them.  I love this furniture, it's beautiful and it's just what I wanted.  But it's what I wanted for our twins and I want something new just for the next baby.  Chances are it will be a singleton, anyway, and so it has been bugging me to think of selling just one of the cribs and it makes me crumble to think of taking it apart.  I know a lot of people that have kept their stuff just like it is, some store it, some get rid of it, but you just have to do what makes you feel right.  I keep changing my mind, but so far I'm at peace with it.  We'll lose money, but another thing we've learned, really quick, is that just doesn't matter anymore.  Not that we're being reckless, but really.
At graduation today, there was a slideshow of every student-it showed their baby picture and then their senior picture.  Brian had a really hard time with this, which instantly broke my heart.  I hate seeing him hurt, although I'm outwardly in pain a ton more than he, so I'm sure he feels this way a lot more often. But when we found out about the twins-I'll never forget it-he instantly was thinking about way in the future-like class rings and letter jackets and graduations.  It is horrifyingly painful to think that our sweet babies will never get to graduate.  Mostly, though, it's just another reminder of the future that we no longer have.
Overall, the days are getting easier around here (as in, still excrutiatingly sucky, but a little bit easier to make it through the day).  We are trying to stay focused on the future, make informed decisions, and overall just cling to each other.  The weekends are so much easier for me because I have Brian with me all the time.  Today I also got out on my own with one of my best friends, and it was so good for me.  It just makes me feel normal, ya know?  
In other news, I got my period today.  I have to say that I'm shocked.  I've always only ever gotten a period every 3 months or so, so I really wasn't counting on getting mine so soon postpartum.  Unfortunately, this makes my head start spinning about the prospects that maybe I'll randomly be fertile since I got pregnant.  I know it could happen, but really-I'm not the luckiest person.  At any rate, I'll be keeping track of it, and I officially am not going back on birth control.  I feel much better not and after talking to the ladies on my PROM listserve, and some other blogging ladies, I feel like I'm making the right decision.  Guess we'll see what happens!


Anonymous said...

I know so well what you mean about wanting things to be just "theirs" and to start fresh next time. I would feel that way too I think. With Oliver I didn't get to do very much to get ready for his birth - pretty much nothing in fact, because of the bed rest. So while it drove me nuts while I was hospitalized prior to his birth, I didn't have anything for him really. It still makes me sad - I prepared for my daughter's birth with such love and excitement! - but on the other hand, it is a little bit easier now. I think you are doing the right thing by claiming a fresh start. Any future baby will not be the twins that you lost, and that is as it should be - you will prepare for that baby or babies with similar, but *fresh* anticipation. New excitement and anticipation just for that arrival.

As far as the birth control thing goes, what a brave decision. I think that's great, and if I could do that I would too. With me there was a botched csection - somehow they cut through the front and back of my uterus, wheeee - so I have a little extra healing to do before I can get back on the horse so to speak. But I think it's a really positive thing that you are open to the possibility.

It's that kind of thing that brings me such joy in all of this - that we are so open to hope. Even after going through the worst things imaginable, the fact that we can get up, dust ourselves off, and open ourselves up to possibility again - it's truly amazing. I commend you for it and I thank you for showing me a glimpse of that tonight.