Monday, March 28, 2011

One Day

April 13th.
Their birthday.
The one day a year that I somehow feel ok with letting myself completely be vulnerable. For picking off that scab and letting the pain flow freely and over me.
The one day that through that pain I can see the little specks of light. The sunshine peeking through. The thought that I am so grateful that they were ever here. That they have shown me love beyond means. Love beyond my wildest dreams. Emotions that I could not have ever imagined.
Last night, it was 2 years since my water broke. I laid down in my bed to go to sleep on a Sunday night. I couldn't get comfortable. I flopped over onto my right side and heard and felt a pop. My life instantly felt over. I glanced at the clock as I left the room to go to the hospital. 9:40 p.m.
Last night at 9:40 I sat in a chair, numb, starting at the clock.
Today I found out that since I used up all my days taking care of Avery after she was born, in order for me to miss work on the 13th, it will cost $246.57.
The cost of me being able to grieve.
Will mean we wouldn't be able to pay our bills.
And so my heart is killing me because I know that the right thing to do would be to go to work.
How in the world will I do this?

I need advice. Have any of you chosen or been forced to go to work? I'm sure you have. What did you do to make it through? How do I stand in front of 180 middle schoolers throughout the day without breaking down?

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Support Needed

Hi friends,

If you have a moment, please go here and leave some love and tell her a story:

I just discovered this blog and she found out at 16 weeks along that her baby had died a week ago :( She is in the hospital going through the induction process, which is stalled and taking forever.

It's so horrible I could throw up. I just can't believe it each and every time this happens.

Please go spread your love.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Tempting Fate

I have a very heavy heart tonight.

A lot of us have pets, right? And a lot of those pet owners feel very strong connections to their pets.

In my case, we got our little doggie, Louis (pronounced the French way, like Louis XIV, which is his full name) one week after we got married. He's as old as we are married :)

Anyway, we spoiled him rotten. He went everywhere with us, slept in our bed, everything. He's called "granddog" to my parents.

Before we had Avery, we were very worried that he wouldn't get along with her. That he'd be jealous.

And he is. He mopes and is depressed and whines and is just very unhappy. He is a completely different dog than before. He doesn't want to play. He watches us play with Avery and if we can't drop what we are doing instantly to play with him, he gets mad, runs off and gets into something (pees, eats paper, etc.)

So we searched, and we found a very nice family willing to adopt him. We made the decision a week ago, but he leaves tomorrow, and I can't even look at him. I feel so unbelievably guilty.

There are two things pulling at me right now:

1) I feel like he is dying, even though he is not

2) I feel like by giving him away, we are expecting Avery to live, thus tempting the universe to show us who is boss

I can't stop crying.
After all of this, I just can't be good at saying good-bye.

I will miss you, baby bumblebee Louis.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

This time of year

Nan, Bree, Tiffany, Rachel, Holly, Tina-so many more-this time of year we are missing so many babies.
There are so many children that should be here that aren't. It's every time of year, though.
It's always.
We are always missing them.

My friend had her twins. Peyton and Parker. They came early, but at 36 weeks they had no NICU time and are already home. I only know they are home because of a mutual friend. I'm too afraid to ask about the birth story. I'm too afraid to ask how it's going.

I'm afraid to know. I'm afraid to know that they're not getting any sleep. That breastfeeding two babies is incredibly hard. That they are going through SO many diapers and washing seventeen loads of laundry a day.

I am really struggling with this, but it's just there, just at the brim-I haven't been able to let it out yet. I haven't been able to really let this wash over me and let me truly accept.

Avery has a cold. When she has the sniffles, I panic. I swear I've read stories about SIDS where they start with a virus.

I wonder when, if ever, I will put Avery to sleep and not immediately start to worry that she will never wake up.

All of this has nothing to do with the other and everything to do with the other.

I'm lost. Wandering through a fog. Stressed. Sad.

Happy. So incredibly blessed.

Same old, Christy. Same old.