confession.

I'm pregnant.
Probably you guessed since I was all, "blahblahblah-one follicle-blahblah" and then didn't bring it up again.
I, like others, am struggling with blogging about it. I could so, so, definitely use the support-above all, I am terrified-but I don't at all want to hurt anyone out there. We are all going through so much. I know it's a little easier to hear news like this when it's another babyloss mama, but it's still not easy. Especially when there are issues with IF, etc. etc. I never, EVER expected this to work this time. It look so long the last time.
For now, though, I just wanted you that have been wondering to know. I'm a few days past 5 weeks along. Very, very early days. I really shouldn't put this on the internet. I don't know if there's anyone from my real life that has somehow found this (besides one person I know that reads this, hi J!).
I'm very nervous. About everything. Reading these blogs has been SO helpful to me, so amazing, but the one thing it has also done is make me hyper-aware of all of the things that could possible go wrong. So many things.
I am trying so very hard to focus on staying positive. Telling myself that I (we) will be ok. That not every bad thing can happen to me. To not take every thing I read about and apply it to me.
It's hard.
But I'm trying.
I have an u/s to see if there is a heartbeat on 11/20. Until then, I am a complete psycho, watching the toilet paper and hoping that somehow this will be ok. My emotions have been going crazy, I've been going back to reliving a lot of the twins' birth/death. I'm trying to stay on track. Trying to be positive. I promise, I am thinking every positive thought that I can muster up. Please help think them for me.
xxoo

My house

I hate our house.
I come in and I see the stove where I burned my pregnant belly on. I see the drawer where I held all the diaper coupons. Move the basement where I would sit and daydream about trying to navigate the stairs with two babies. I remember getting my brand new laptop computer, taking it downstairs and making silly videos of ourselves as parents.
The upstairs is, by far, the worse. The bed where I would lay each night, reading books about pregnancy and parenting, surfing the net for baby stuff, watching episodes of Gilmore Girls and One Tree Hill to relax at night since I should "take it easy."
The room.
THE room.
That damn room.
That we painted dancing green.
That I sat in a glider, listening to lullabies and reading aloud whatever book I was reading to the babies.

The stove that now I don't even feel like cooking on.
The drawer that has toothpaste coupons.
The basement that is so empty. Void of personal photos. Void.
The bed where my water broke. Where I laid for two weeks, pleading with God. Trying to bargain. Begging him to watch my husband so he could see how good of a dad he would be. The bed where I spent weeks after the babies were born, bleeding, hurting, sore, tired, empty. So, so empty. Surfing the net trying to find someone with whom I could connect.
The room.
That damn room.
That we repainted white (3 coats).
That I won't go in. That closet that is stuffed with maternity clothes and a maternity pillow and random things of the babies that I couldn't part with.

I hate this house.
And no one wants to buy it. No one knows. They don't know how much I want to be out of here. They don't understand the pain I feel when I am here. That it's the one place you're supposed to feel comfortable and I hate it more than anything.

I suppose I can't really run away from it. That the pain is inside of ME not in this place. It's the memories, not the actual rooms and paint and walls that is the problem.

But I want to be gone. I want to go. I want to start over someplace else, hope for a happy us someplace else.

We called the realtor cause we've had no activity lately. He says the only we can do is drop the price. Well, we so would if we could. If we had planned on moving. If we had saved money for that. But we hadn't and we didn't. So we are stuck here. It's quickly approaching winter and soon the market will be slow. Slower than it already is.

One of my friends from school just sold her house.
I am so irrational. All I could think was, She doesn't deserve it! She's only moving because she wants a bigger house! She doesn't NEED it. I NEED it.
First of all, that is so irrational, and I know this.
Second of all, I don't NEED it. I feel like there's a part of me that would be comforted by starting over, by having something to focus on that's a sure thing.
But in life, we don't get what we deserve. People get hurt for no.good.reason. Bad shit happens. And just because it did doesn't mean that I get a free pass in whatever comes next, ya know?

Halloween

Behind...

is how I feel. About everything. But, especially blogging.
I still need to post two awards I got from Kristi at Moon and Back! AND I have to post the hilarious pictures of what Iamstacey sent me in the mail this week.. (thanks to both of you!). Stacey sent me her lucky stuffed sperm, which my dog immediately thought should be his toy, and a stuffed pig in order to honor my piggy flu. You're hilarious!
I am still in the middle of my two week wait (towards the end). I did, however, have a progesterone test last week and it showed that I definitely ovulated and for now is in a good range, so that is good news. I'm going to try to wait and see if my period comes-a part of me would rather see my period than that negative test...I just don't know.
My sister and my nephew are coming in from Milwaukee tonight and are staying until Saturday morning (we have Thursday and Friday off of school! WOOHOO!!!) so I will be busy with them. I have been reading all of your blogs, but not commenting because I can't comment from my school computer, but I am thinking of you and wishing some of you congratulations and sending any positive thoughts I have toward others. I hope you understand when I don't comment right away :(
Last weekend I met my best friend from college to have a "girl's weekend". We sit down and in the first 5 minutes she tells me that, "I asked my husband for a divorce and...well, I've met someone else, another teacher at school. He's married, too, and has a 5 and a 7 year old."
I almost fell off my chair.
What do I say to this?
It was a loooong weekend. I just was so...unsettled, ya know? I know she needs me there for support, but I needed to tell her how I felt and all of that, too. So it was sort of a scandalous weekend and I was left reeling from it.
Then more parent/teacher conferences on Monday.
At the very end, this parent came up to me. We talked about her two sons.
Then, she got close to me, tilted her head and said, "How are YOU doing?"
My heart started to pound.
I think I said something like, "I'm hanging in there."
So, THEN, THEN she asked, "Are you guys going to try again?"
Honestly, not even some of my closest friends have asked me this question. I was totally taken aback.
She just kept going. She told me I had to have hope. How hard it is.
She wouldn't stop.
I just couldn't even believe this woman! I complain all the time about how people don't ask me about the babies but then, whoa! Social boundaries!
Then today at school, the weirdest thing happened. I'll try to sum it up.
-I am terrified of spiders (TERRIFIED)
-the kids know this and think it's hilarious
-they like to joke around with me
-most of the time I think it's funny
-today, there was a PLASTIC BOTTLE FULL OF GIGANTIC UGLY GROSS HUGE LIVE SPIDERS on my desk
-Live spiders
-So not funny
So, I go out to the lunchroom and the kids right away tell me they heard so and so talking about it. I go up to her and she says, "I have a neighbor who got kicked out of school but he's mad at you because you failed him last year and wanted to get back at you so he had me bring them."
So many things wrong with this sentence.
But apparently there is a middle school student out there who is angry with me. In 6 years of teaching, I've had maybe 5 kids get an F in my class. Honestly, it's usually kids that miss a TON of school or something like that. But I'm so bothered by this!!! I know I should just let it go, but yeesh. I'm so not used to this.
Ok, well, I still need to clean the bathroom and get fresh sheets for my sister. Off I go!

:(

-new classes

-H1N1

-parent/teacher conferences, complete with a huge panic attack when a woman came in pushing her double stroller with twin infants

-newest pamper ad in the mail, "Does your baby feel secure?" well, I don't know, they're dead.

-sorry for being bitter, I just need it all out

-my husband at a staff meeting, with 6 people at a table that all know him-one lady whips out her brand new ultrasound pictures and passes them around while they ooh and ahh

-brian's dad's birthday (he passed away after a long, horrible battle with lung cancer last november)

-just all around crap.

this has been a really, really sucky week

I haven't read any of you all week-I can't wait until tomorrow night to come home, get into pjs, and read your blogs. Sorry if I've been away.

Love to you. Sorry for the bitter vent.

When will they come, then?

So, I'm feeling better, which is good. I got a positive opk on Friday, after my fever was already gone. We did what we needed to do. Now, of course, we just wait. Easier said than done, right?

I went back to work today after missing last weds, thurs and fri. The kids were so nice. They would squeal when they saw me. Asked how I was feeling. America's youth is not so bad, y'all-I swear. We spend a lot of time having fun and learning by playing.

But I still hate "work." I think really it's that I hate leaving my home. I want to stay here and wallow and feel sorry for myself. I want to stay wrapped up in my blanket and sleep until I have something better to get up for.

This morning in the shower I decided a whole approach I would take with my husband. When our house finally sells (if) we should get a dirt cheap apartment so I don't have to work. I can just be pregnant at home. Less stress, less sickness, etc. etc.

I guess I know that it wouldn't really make me happy. I guess I know I'd miss it. But I think about it an awful lot. And if I ever talk about quitting, they want to know what I'd rather do or when did I figure out I don't like my career.

Well, I don't hate my career, and if I weren't a teacher I have no idea what I would do...for real. Especially now, I mean-um, hello! Recession!! And I don't live in a big city.

I got into a squabble with my mom over the weekend. It seems like everytime I talk to her she brings up my..well, I guess she's my step-sister only we don't really mix families so I don't consider myself related to her-anyway, she's pregnant. Due in November. She brings this up everytime. Why? I don't care! I just. don't. care.

Last week she brought up that she wasn't sure if she was getting invited to her shower.

Don't care.

This time it was that she had gone out to buy her a gift.

Um, don't care.

Then I had sort of an...interesting conversation with my husband.

We were discussing our trying to conceive efforts, and were talking about if we got pregnant this month, what the due date would be.

He framed the question like this, "So they would come in July, then?"

I think you can see what is wrong with this statement.

I don't think I would have said anything except this is not the first time this, um, freudian slip one could say, has happened.

So I said, "Babe-you do know if we get pregnant it will only be one, right? One baby. If we're lucky. One crib. One boy OR one girl. If we are, you know, really lucky."

He said, "Right. Oh, I know. I got it."

I guess part of it could be we just talked about it in twos before. It's such a big jump to get used to that thought-it took us a while before we were comfortable saying babies instead of baby. It's a lot to handle!

And now we have to reverse. We have to go backwards and make ourselves change back.

It sucks.

All of this, all of this work we have to do when the hard part should be in the past-it's not fair. Infertility after loss is just torture. Changing your mindset is so hard.

Big sigh from me tonight. Glad to be out of bed and plunging into the week ahead, but still just so, so sad.