Sunday, August 12, 2012

The second time around

People keep asking me if this time is "easier."

I am, honestly, feeling hurt lately.  Alone.  I'm pretty sure that the general thoughts out there are:  1.  Nothing bad will happen, it didn't with Avery, right?  2.  You should just be thankful you can get pregnant, and did it on your own.  3.  Avery's pregnancy was normal, you didn't have any complications, what are you worried about?

I'll tell you what.  I still HAVE TWO DEAD BABIES.

Am I grateful?  Oh, man, they have no idea.  Some days I still cannot believe it.  I still can't believe that I have been so lucky, so blessed.  It's not that I "deserve" it, I just got lucky.  And I think about it and thank God


I still have ptsd.  I still have nightmares.

I still am afraid every.single.night. to roll over for fear of hearing that POP of my water breaking.  I still am afraid that there will be no heartbeat. That there will be a cord accident.  That one of the million things that I didn't know about before but do now, will happen.

I'm not being treated as high-risk this time. No peri, no extra appointments, no extra ultrasounds.  It's hard.  Really, really hard.  I haven't had an appt in 5 weeks.  The anxiety is all consuming.  Overwhelming.

When I was pregnant with Avery, people were right there with me.  Encouraging, listening.  Now, it just seems like they think I should just shut up, move on and get over it because, after all, it won't happen again.

But, the thing is, of course it MIGHT.  And, beyond that, I still am scared.  I still have fear.  I still don't know what will happen.  I still don't know it will be alright.  And I still need help.  I need an ear, a hand to hold.  I still need a friend to come over and sit with me.  I still need to not be in bed at exactly 9:40, the time my water broke.  I need so much, and I feel like people don't think I do.  I feel isolated.

This is hard, yo.


Katharine (LauraKat81) said...

Thinking of you. And praying that everything does go perfectly this time and for you to feel more at peace. Don't let others make you feel bad for being worried, of course you're worried. There'd be something wrong with you if you weren't!


Angela said...

Aw, Christy. Tears for you friend. It is no easier the second time around. I pray nothing happens, but when you have babies DIE, there is no way to not think it might happen again. Because it could. It doesn't matter what anyone says, anything is possible. You just need people there supporting you. I am scared with you, friend. Hopeful, but its so scary. It would be terrifying not being treated as high risk. Have you done your GD test? If you have it will they do extra u/s? They did with me. I didn't like having GD, but it was easy to control, and I loved knowing I had extra ultrasounds. Just thinking bout getting pregnant again brings up so much anxiety and fear in me. Like water breaking earlier than last time at 37 weeks with Noah, GD (because we are pretty sure that is what killed Ella), being a little heavier than I'd like to be. Always afraid of not finding the HB at an appt. I wish I could have that excitement again where an US is just to find out gender. I wish we could all be so naieve again. But no. I know its not possible. It is so hard. I wish you had a pregnancy buddy to share it with! Love to you. And baby. I will feel better when you've had another U/s and know everything is fine so far.

Denise said...

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I can completely relate. We're pregnant with what will be our second "rainbow" baby. Our son was born prematurely do to pprom and passed away at 10 weeks old to SIDS. Our first rainbow was born full term, healthy and will be 2 in November. Having 2 healthy pregnancies under my belt does not take away the fears the loss of our son and the horrific turn of events that pregnancy took, or how I will react to them.

Have you asked your doctor for more monitoring? For us, we're doing the same routine we did the last time (weekly doppler checks and p17 checks, monthly OB appts and bi-weekly Peri appts), because we don't know why I delivered prematurely.

Sending you lots of good thoughts.

Nika M. said...

I think pregnancy after a loss is always going to be hard, no matter how many successful pregnancies you have. I don't think people understand that fear until they have been there, and for me, dealing with some of those people made my pregnancy even harder.

Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

No matter whether subsequent pregnancies are high risk or not, it never gets easier after a loss. I was seen almost non-stop during this most recent pregnancy, my OB and everyone else kept telling me they were going to make absolutely certain that I made it to the end with a take-home baby.

And while I DO have my boy home now- he was still premature, he still spent 9 days in the NICU, and I now have MORE issues to add to the seemingly never-ending stream of issues I have surrounding pregnancy and childbirth.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't blame you, and you are definitely not alone in feeling afraid and having nightmares and just wanting people to understand. Well, I understand. Feel free to vent away and unload.

Hope's Mama said...

I wish I could be that person. I'd come and sit with you. Because I get this, I get you. I can't be that person in the flesh, but I can be it here and on email if you like? Juliet's pregnancy promised to be a bit "easier". For seven weeks it was, then I got the stupid CMV virus which turned the whole experience on it's head. It was my first genuine "high risk" pregnancy as Hope's was so normal and healthy then Angus' was only technically high risk due to my extreme metal state. Her's was supposed to help heal me a little, help me to remember the joy of expecting. Uh huh. I wish you could get treated as high risk, as I think having the red carpet rolled out each time helps, as do the extra appointments. Turn on the water works at your next appointment, make a scene, lose your shit. You deserve better care than the average preggy person.
Thinking of you, all the way.

Lori said...

Friend, you are SO not alone...though I realize there's certainly a difference in knowing the people who are face to face with you every day support you the same as those of us around the country (world!) who know what you are feeling and support you...

That, "Isn't it easier?" question...seriously? Sometimes I just want to punch people. Who even ASKS that???? I mean, what would make it easier? That Avery lived, so it erases the fact that your sweet Sophie and Aiden didn't? Ridiculous.

Of course, you know you are talking to someone whose second rainbow did die. For no good reason. Second trimester. Safe, right? So you know there is no safe and people ought to get that and realize you have the same valid fears.

Anyway, I doubt I'm being helpful because I sound bitter. I'm sorry if it is coming across that way! Just wanted to let you know I so get it and suport you and love you and am rooting for you!

Nan & Mike said...

Hugging you from PA ... Can you feel it?! I'm sorry this is all so very very hard, it will never be easy & to assume it or say that it is, well, we know what it is. Lifting you up and praying all is ok xoxoxo live you so much

Bree said...

I feel like I don't check in with you as much as I should... About how you are coping. It came easier last time because I was right there with you. im sorry. I love you. Here for you.

Sarita Boyette said...

Sweetie, I understand your pain. I cringed with fear every single day when I was expecting Adam, our first Rainbow. There were no sonograms, no special tests to calm my fear. Thankfully the doctor had me come in every 2 weeks. That was my saving grace. People who have not had baby loss don't understand. Heck, some people who HAVE still don't get it. You are the lovely mom of three right now with one on the way and Sophie & Aiden will always be in your heart. I'm so sorry for their loss, the PTSD, the uncertainty. (((HUGS))) to you. I love you! Thank you for your support when I had my problem last week. xoxo

Lisa Sissons said...

Hi there, I'm a new follower of your blog. This post really struck a cord with me.

My son Finley was born on 23rd March 2012. He died at 3 days old. We think it was a cord accident, but the post mortem results still haven't been released to us.

It strikes me as horrible that people are so supportive the first pregnancy after a loss, and then they just act like all of the horrible feelings go away for the second pregnancy. As if one healthy pregnancy that ended with a baby to take home makes you forget what could happen? What has already happened?

Anybody who wants you to forget has clearly never lost a child. If they had, they would know that it is impossible to forget, and even if you could, you wouldn't want to.

Sending lots of hugs and hopes that this pregnancy goes smoothly and that you will get to bring your baby home.


Kathy said...

Hi Christy,

I'm sending hugs to you from Newfoundland. I didn't know your wonderful news until right now. I am happy for you all. I remember the feeling while being pregnant with my little girl, it seemed as though everyone felt like since my rainbow baby was fine that I had nothing to worry about this time, but my husband and I still had our worries. Everything was fine, we had a beautiful healthy little girl, I wish there was some way to send some comfort to you so that you won't worry quite so much. Memories can be aweful and sometimes haunt us forever. I am thinking that maybe if your doctor knew how nervous you feel he/she may try to do somethings a little extra to help you. I only wish we didn't ever have experiences that have to cause the memories that ruin the joy that we should be able to feel during our days of pregnancy. I feel like I am rambling and I can't really put words to what I am trying to say so here is another hug.