Right now, I am so very unsure about everything.
I got very good news on Friday. This good news puts me in so many places-happy that I got it, grateful for it, excited-but at the same time I'm not very ready to believe it and it also makes me feel guilty for hearing it when so many of you are struggling so much. I guess, the thing is-I need to just be thankful for good news, believe it as much as I can-and let that hope sit within me to help me through. I think it's good to be hopeful. I think having some of this anxiety go away would be good.
But letting my guard down and saying-oh, everything is going to be perfect-is not really an option right now. I would feel so foolish to let myself go there again!
Anyway, an update, I suppose:
Went to the peri on Friday. He measured my cervix for the 4th time-he's been doing it every 2 weeks, I am 25 weeks at this point. It was over 4.17, so really quite good. He pushed down hard and it didn't budge. I had the BEST. sonographer. EVER this time-she was so nice and thoughtful and as soon as Dr. P left she took out the "dildo cam" and said, "Hey, since you had to go through that, do you want a peek at your baby?" I was SO excited-Brian was there, too, so he go to see. She was squirming around like crazy-she's currently breech, but supposedly she has plenty of time to change.
Then we had our normal appt with Dr. P. He said that we are stopping the ultrasounds-everything looks great. Then he said, "We need to change gears here and stop talking about premature birth and start talking about normalcy, because that is what we are dealing with. You need to start thinking full term."
My heart started pounding and my ears were doing this weird buzzing thing-I know this is good, but I knew what was next. Yep, he broke up with me. He said that he wanted me to pick a regular OB to see for the rest of the pregnancy. He'd love to keep me, but I would be taking up precious appointment time that ladies that really need it couldn't get. I understand-I totally, totally do-but I am so scared!
Then, he said-in his usual Dr. P way, "Well, hey, maybe you'll get lucky and get hypertension or something and then you'll be back!"
Anyway, I really had no OB to go to-I saw a fam practice doctor before the twins, so I picked the only name I could think of, which is a woman doctor who happened to be on call the day I delivered the twins. She was very kind and at least she'd know my story and had delivered my other two babies.
So, I guess, that's it-no more high risk pregnancy for me.
This is such a weird feeling. He told me it would happen and that he thought it would. But I guess I always in the back of my mind thought something would go wrong. At one of these appointments, my cervix would have shortened drastically or whatever. But, in reality, he just thinks it was an infection that caused my pprom.
A god damned infection. Killed my babies. I will never get over this.
Tomorrow, the 29th, will make a year ago that I went to bed, rolled over, and my water broke. I hate this day. I dread this day. My anxiety is mounting and I want to sleep the day away.
Wednesday, our French visitors come so I am going to be super busy and probably away from here-I'll read at school when I can, but if I don't comment a lot, know that I am reading and thinking of you. I'm sure I'll make the time to do it whenever I can. Today I went and got $200 worth of groceries. It's so fun but nervewracking to cook for someone from a different country-ahhhhhhhhhh!
I know I don't deserve it, but please keep us in your thoughts still. There's so much time for something to go wrong and while I am thinking SO positively, I'm still terrified (which I know is stupid).
Love and hugs!
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