Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The "Old Christy"

So, yesterday I sent an e-mail to my friends at work talking about our plans for Thursday night (to see a chick flick and go to dinner) and one of the replies said, "Can I just say that I am SO glad to see our old Christy back!?"

Wait, what?

This sent me reeling. What does this mean? I re-read the e-mail a bunch of times. How am I back? What did I do or say? Can the old Christy really ever come back? Why does this bother me?

It sends me back to what I've known now for a while-nothing can please me. You can't win with me.

Saying this gets me all up in a tizzy. But what do I want her to say? "You have turned into this depressed scrooge and I like it that way."?

What do I want? This is the question that was rolling around in my head all day, and all night last when I couldn't sleep. I actually stayed home from work today, just for a mental health day and to catch up on sleep. I don't really have enough sick days to do this because I used them all on my "fake" maternity leave last year. But everything has been so overwhelming and with the French students coming next Wednesday, I just felt like I needed a day. Well, you guys understand, so anyway. What do I want?

I want the things that everyone else gets. I want to carry this baby to term and when it gets close I want to do all sorts of crazy wives tales to help convince her to come out. I want to pack my hospital bag with fun stuff and not plan what I'll do this time if she dies. I want to lie awake with my husband counting contractions trying to figure out when to go to the hospital. I want our moms to sit in the waiting room with smiles on their face instead of tears.
I want a baby shower. I want to roll around in beautiful, tiny little pink girl things. I want to sit in her beautiful room, made just for her, and putz around with baby things. Hang tiny little outfits on cute little hangers. Arrange her room so it is just. so.

I want to have a child. I want to take her with me everywhere I go. I want to get to know her and figure out her moods and I want her to need me like I need my mom. I want to help her grow up. Take her places. Help her see the world and figure things out. Help her with her homework and remind her that most boys are not worth it. Hold her hand while she cries, laugh with her, and yell with her.

I want to buy her a cute, frilly swimsuit and flipflops and take her swimming.

I want to read her my favorite books.

I want. I want. I want. I want.

So much. Really I know that that first part doesn't matter-it's the healthy baby part that is going to get me what I REALLY want. What bugs me is how hard it is for us to get it and how easy (it seems anyway) for others.

I'm so tired of wanting. I'm so tired of being patient. I'm so tired of just being this. Dead Baby(ies) Mom.

And I am not the old Christy. I'm little bits of her, and little bits of this new me, all rolled into one.

I think this all probably makes me sound whiny and selfish, so I will stop. Sigh.


Tina said...

Those who haven't lost a child don't understand that we will never be the same. The old us is forever gone, that person no longer exist. Maybe though, she sees some happiness in you because a few things have been looking up for you and she has mistaken this for the old you being back. I don't know...it is hard for me to say what others think, but I do understand how hard it is to hear someone say that becuase the old us left when our babies died. Enjoy your day off...you deserve it!! xx

Becky said...

I have felt the same way, like there's no pleasing me! That comment— although very well-intended,I'm sure—would bother me, too. The "old me" doesn't exist anymore, and trying to get her back would be a disservice to the lives of my babies. It is exhausting to be in this weird place.I'm sure she meant that it's nice to see you feeling a bit better lately. I am hoping things continue to go well for you!

Nan & Mike said...

Hi sweetie - I could have written alot of that myself also (many if not all of us can Im sure), you put alot of it out there with extreme clarity. For me I know I am not my old self, and I would have had to correct that person for a comment like that, probably just to get the true intention of what they meant...and to let them know how I felt. Shrink says to try and make sure to express what upsets you so that that person wont do it again (you would hope).
You are right, people cannot win against us...we didnt ask for it, but we must live with it.
Hugs, Nan xxx

With Out My Punkin said...

Maybe they are seeing that you are showing happiness like Tina said. You will never me the old you, but with time you will be happy again. You deserve to be happy, have a great day off!

Bree said...

you are not whiny or selfish. this makes me cry because you describe the feeling so well. you write so beautifully.

i would be offended by that comment, as well.

and, i want all of that for you, for me, for all of us.

ForeverElliot'sMommy said...

You are not whiney, we all know exaclty how you feel. I could have written this post word for word! Lots of love your way!

Lisette said...

You have a right to feel bothered by that comment. You will never be the "old Christy" because you have been through so much. People who have never walked this road just don't get it. I feel like throwing a shoe at that girl's head, lol!
All your feelings are valid, I pray that you have a healthy baby to bring home too. One that you physically give your love to. I hope you enjoy your much needed day off. ((HUGS))

Shanti Mama said...

Yeah, that comment would get me too. People who have not been there do not get it. I have had quite a few hurtful comments, but I am getting better at letting it roll off. The comments come out of ignorance not malice. Really.

Kristin said...

Hi just stumbled across your blog I dont know how but i did. I was tryng to look for blogs who has lost a child in my case I had identical twin baby girls. we lost them at 20 weeks and they were with us for about 45 min before they left us. I was in tears last night catching up and reading your blog. im now following you. And i understand how ur not the old person you used to be. I think when my babies died it stripped every bit of my soul from me. Fill free to drop by my blog if you would like. Im just really glad I found your blog. My blog is
http://familyofthreejustexpanded.blogspot.com/ Thanks Kristin

Jen said...

I talked to my therapist about this yesterday.. feeling broken, not the same.. and she looked me in the eye and said "you will never been the same again" She lost twins 20+ years ago, and she said she regained some of who she was, but turned into a new person..I don't know.. at times I am still wanting the old jen back too, but as long as I miss her, I will never be that again..and I will miss her until I see her again..its just who I am now..who you are now.. like it or don't.. we've suffered the worse loss..I can't imagine that losing a "friend" because we just aren't as much fun would be any worse.. ((hugs))

Hope's Mama said...

Yep, that comment would grate on me too. I have had it said to me in similar ways a few times. I think no, that's not the old Sally. The old Sally is dead and buried with Hope. This is the new forever changed Sally.

AKD said...

I had a friend who told me that he didn't mind that I had changed, but how I had changed - I'm much less cynical now, and he misses that?? I was just speechless, so I ended up not saying anything.

You deserve all of those things, and more - I hate the waiting, too. Thinking of you, sweetie.

Catherine W said...

Oh Christy. There is no pleasing me either and that comment would have irritated the heck out of me.

I think I want the impossible. To go back and have all those things, the happy planning, the celebrations, the whole lot.

You certainly aren't whiney or selfish. We only want what so many people expect and receive without even a second thought. Much love and thinking how lucky Aiden, Sophie and your lil one are to have a mama like you. xo

Lizy said...

Your an amazing woman. I feel the same sadness. How can we ever be the same. Never... I piece of our hearts is gone and can never be replaced. It is a new us... like it or not rest of thw world. I stayed home today too. Our due date of April 14 is rough because with twins they should have been in my arms right now. Hugs, Lizy

Michele said...

I agree with Tina 100%. ((hugs))