Strange

So, almost immediately after the twins were born and died, I wanted to move. Our house was a starter home anyway, a duplex, and we didn't want to stay there forever, but once we were pregnant we didn't really have the money since we were having twins! And after I took the nursery back down, I just hated our house even more.

I had some important memories in this house-specifically those relating to my father-in-law (he passed away right before the babies were conceived) and of course us beginning our marriage, and working together to make it a home, and the pregnancy with the twins. BUt mostly, I hated it.

I know I can't run away from the pain-moving isn't going to help that. But I wanted to just get out. So last May we put our house on the market. Since then, we have lowered our asking price significantly, and have had SO many showings-and each time, I'd get a little excited-(this'll be the one!) and then the phone call or the e-mail would come saying they were not interested, there were too many stairs, they did not like the location, whatever. That burning feeling of disappointment that we are all too, unfortunately, aware of.

Then on Thursday we had a showing and the people wanted to come back. They came back Saturday and then they put in an offer!!! but the offer was really low :( So we countered back pretty firm, and I spent all of Monday worrying that we had chased our only potential buyer away, and then Monday night our realtor was at our door with flowers and sparkling grape juice telling us that they had ACCEPTED OUR OFFER.

This is strange.
I am SO excited. Tonight we get to go house hunting with the purpose of actually choosing one to start the next chapter of our life in.

But it feels like it has been SO long since something I have been waiting for and wishing for and praying for actually happened.

The year before we conceived the twins was full of dealing with my father-in-law's cancer and infertility. Then death. Wishing, praying, more death.

Littler things like hubby's board scores-more disappointment. Work stress.

I almost don't know what to do. Don't know what to feel. I can't remember the last time I was prompted to actually GRIN! To realize that something had gone right!

It's strange. To be 28 years old and feel like all I can remember is disappointment. I try to think back about feelings of pure joy-getting my first job, B proposing, all of those amazing things. But it's like they're lost in the grief and the sadness and the disappointment. That makes me sad.

Last night, B was also able to feel our baby girl kick from the outside. Seeing that grin on his face melts me to pieces. I'm so scared for him. I am responsible and if something bad happens, I just want to protect him. I think a lot that if he hadn't married me he might have found someone more fertile and wouldn't know this pain of baby loss.

It's just strange. All these feelings at once. But excitement? It's like a new feeling that I've never felt before. I like it, but it makes me nervous.

So, anyway, we are closing on this house on April 30th. We will spend the babies birthday in the only house they ever lived in, then we will pack up and go somewhere new. I'm ok with that. They'll be coming with us-in the only way that they can, right? They'll be in our hearts. :)