Wednesday, March 10, 2010


So, almost immediately after the twins were born and died, I wanted to move. Our house was a starter home anyway, a duplex, and we didn't want to stay there forever, but once we were pregnant we didn't really have the money since we were having twins! And after I took the nursery back down, I just hated our house even more.

I had some important memories in this house-specifically those relating to my father-in-law (he passed away right before the babies were conceived) and of course us beginning our marriage, and working together to make it a home, and the pregnancy with the twins. BUt mostly, I hated it.

I know I can't run away from the pain-moving isn't going to help that. But I wanted to just get out. So last May we put our house on the market. Since then, we have lowered our asking price significantly, and have had SO many showings-and each time, I'd get a little excited-(this'll be the one!) and then the phone call or the e-mail would come saying they were not interested, there were too many stairs, they did not like the location, whatever. That burning feeling of disappointment that we are all too, unfortunately, aware of.

Then on Thursday we had a showing and the people wanted to come back. They came back Saturday and then they put in an offer!!! but the offer was really low :( So we countered back pretty firm, and I spent all of Monday worrying that we had chased our only potential buyer away, and then Monday night our realtor was at our door with flowers and sparkling grape juice telling us that they had ACCEPTED OUR OFFER.

This is strange.
I am SO excited. Tonight we get to go house hunting with the purpose of actually choosing one to start the next chapter of our life in.

But it feels like it has been SO long since something I have been waiting for and wishing for and praying for actually happened.

The year before we conceived the twins was full of dealing with my father-in-law's cancer and infertility. Then death. Wishing, praying, more death.

Littler things like hubby's board scores-more disappointment. Work stress.

I almost don't know what to do. Don't know what to feel. I can't remember the last time I was prompted to actually GRIN! To realize that something had gone right!

It's strange. To be 28 years old and feel like all I can remember is disappointment. I try to think back about feelings of pure joy-getting my first job, B proposing, all of those amazing things. But it's like they're lost in the grief and the sadness and the disappointment. That makes me sad.

Last night, B was also able to feel our baby girl kick from the outside. Seeing that grin on his face melts me to pieces. I'm so scared for him. I am responsible and if something bad happens, I just want to protect him. I think a lot that if he hadn't married me he might have found someone more fertile and wouldn't know this pain of baby loss.

It's just strange. All these feelings at once. But excitement? It's like a new feeling that I've never felt before. I like it, but it makes me nervous.

So, anyway, we are closing on this house on April 30th. We will spend the babies birthday in the only house they ever lived in, then we will pack up and go somewhere new. I'm ok with that. They'll be coming with us-in the only way that they can, right? They'll be in our hearts. :)


Tina said...

I say take the excitement you are feeling and run with it!!! This is good news evne though it is mixed in with so many other emotions you. Congratulations!! xx

Emerging Butterfly said...

Something about what you said reminded me of me....the part about thinking that if your husband had not married you...his life wouldn't know the pain of baby loss. I've had thoughts like that too...that I'm some sort of bad luck charm, and that all the stress and pain found in our life in between the beautiful sunshine is all my fault. This isn't true of course...not at all. Life is life...and it finds a way to screw with one and all. Maybe not in the same ways, but in other ways nonetheless. It also showers us with you mentioned, the memories that, at the moment, seem smothered by sadness.

I'm very very fertile. I can't help it. I'm just that way. I'm dripping with it. I've also lost three babies to miscarriage, and two to stillbirth. I've been pregnant 9 times. I have five living children. and five....not living. It's like having a hand for death, and a hand for life. So, even though I was "built" for hasn't protected my family from the tears and screams of loss.

This is just to say something to you that others have said to me....Your husband picked you because...YOUR the one. :o) YOUR the one he wanted...and no other could replace you. That's just the way it is....and it is easy to think that you are a bad luck charm...I do it all the time...but, it's not true.

Bad things happen...and good things do too. ((HUG)) to all of us.

I really understand about how happy you are to move...sometimes the need to get away is just...a MUST. I hope you find a place that makes you feel at HOME!

Much love...

Jill said...

Congrats on getting the offer accepted! I am a Realtor so I know the frustration you were going through. I really want to sell our house, but for all the wrong reasons. I want to move closer to my babies resting place. We have a nice home in a nice area so there is really no need to move.

Enjoy the excitement and the sparkling grape juice! :)

Catherine W said...

Yay! I'm so glad you got the offer on your house. It seems like ages ago since the post about the granola bar! I'll never forget that!

I've also had that feeling, that I wish my husband had married someone else. I remember saying that to him just after the girls were born and that I was sorry that I had let him down. But Emerging Butterfly is right, bad things just happen sometimes. And good things too.

And of course your babies will be coming with you, all three xo

AKD said...

CONGRATS!! That's so exciting - especially in this market! I couldn't be happier for you - take care of yourself packing and everything!

I have also thought about how different my husband's life could have been... no infertility, no loss. But whenever I apologize to him, he says that he also wouldn't have been happy. I'm sure your husband is the same way. Hugs to you all.

Courtney said...

So glad to hear about the house!!! Enjoy that excitement you so totally deserve it and then some!


Bluebird said...

I am SO excited for you. I remember having very strong feelings of wanting to flee (I still do sometimes) - but mine was more, like, to Mexico, not just to a new house :)

I'm so glad that you took action and that something finally came of it. ENJOY it sweetheart. Smile a lot and enjoy it.