Thursday, March 4, 2010

On the brink

..of something.
What, I don't know.
I'm actually posting from work today-something I never do but my brain is in the clouds. I've felt on the verge of tears ALL day today-for no particular reason except that's where I am.
I'm exhausted. Emotionally, physically.
This week I made my schedule exceptionally busy. Tuesday was 21.3 weeks pregnant for me, which was the time gestationally that my water broke. I don't know why this seemed so significant to me, but I just couldn't wait to get past it. Next week I will be 23 weeks, then, which is what my hospital considers viability. Lots of milestones coming up-ones I really, really hope to pass through with flying colors.
Last week at my doctor's appointment, they measured my cervix again and my doctor said something along the lines of, "You appear to have the world's longest cervix."
He went on to tell me that (he could be wrong, of course) but he thinks I will go overdue with this baby.
I can't put my finger on really why, but I have been angry about this ever since.
How does he KNOW? He doesn't. So why say it?
I don't know. I truly am ridiculous. Nothing he can say will make me happy, I guess. I'm unreasonable!
We are stressed out at my house. We've had a ton of house showings lately (which is good, but....) which mean we have to clean all the time and get the dog out and randomly go drive around. B is finishing up his boards again and we are going to the library every weekend to work on them. In less than a month we have 13 French students and one adult coming to have an 11 day homestay in our (relatively) small town. The teachers stays with us and while I absolutely LOVE her, it's a lot of work and having a guest for that long is somewhat uncomfortable and they'll leave right before the babies' birthday and I'm worried about not getting that planned. I'm planning a March of Dimes walk in May, too, in honor of the babies and we're raising all sorts of money, but I'm trying to figure out who will stay where (since most of my family lives away from me). I could give all this up, but it's what I WANT to do.
I think probably this is why I'm on the verge of tears all the time. But then I think, all of that stress is normal stress, I can handle that-it's that nagging thought in the back of my mind that something is going to happen before this baby has a chance at life (outside of the womb, I mean). I'm just so scared.
I guess that's it. I'm just so scared.
That's nothing new, is it??

12 comments:

Bree said...

Of course, you're scared and worried. In my opinion, you are in the hardest time period right now. I know you will get through it and you are going to go way past 23 weeks.

My doctor keeps telling me how happy she is with my progress and that she feels really good about things. It upsets me, too. Because the week I was on bedrest with Ella, she kept saying how positive she felt about things. So really, her intuition means nothing to me.

Thinking of you, Christy. I wish I could offer some advice on how to get through it. Hang in there!

Huge hugs!

Tina said...

Oh Christy I think your feelings are totally normal. We unfortunately are all to aware of all the things that can happen. Try to stay focused on the positive things and only do what you can handle. You sound so very busy in the upcoming weeks, but don't forget to take some time out for yourself too. xx

Emerging Butterfly said...

You've been through a horrible trauma...that's something that leaves you shaky and on edge, even when your not IN it anymore. Your baby is safe inside of you right now, and now is all you have. Your too street smart to think all pregnancies have happy endings, so of course you are afraid that the worst might happen again...because it happened before. Your going to feel uneasy. But, your baby IS safe right now. Now is all you have. Embrace it, and go easy on yourself. XXXX

AKD said...

I agree - guesses and intuition mean nothing until we hold a happy, healthy baby in our arms. I don't want someone messing with my emotions - just give me facts.

I'm so glad at the length of your cervix, though - that's awesome! I know what you mean about being on the verge of tears all of the time, though - every week that gets closer to 21w3d, I just don't know what to do. I pray all of the time, scared that something will happen to the baby - and I'm scared that I won't be a good mommy. I think our losses have made us just hold onto this all so tightly that it makes it feel like anything can slip away at any moment - I hope that the coming weeks and months make things easier for you, sweetie.

Alyson said...

Your feelings are nothing but normal for someone in your position! I'm praying for you!

Lisette said...

It is totally valid to feel the way you do. Hope you have better days ahead soon. Take care.

打扮 said...

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Holly said...

It's normal to be scared about things. After what you've been through I'm sure it's hard to be sure about anything. I think that's a good sign your cervix is long. Hope it stays that way!

iamstacey said...

23 weeks, I can't believe it's gone so fast! You're amazing! You've taken on so much, I wish the house would sell so you'd have one less thing on your mind. Take time for YOU!

Once A Mother said...

how could you not be? i can only imagine how terrifying pregnancy after loss is, but know that I, and so many others, are keeping you in our prayers and anxiously awaiting your good news.

Bluebird said...

It makes sense to me :) I do the same - fill myself and my time up with so many things - things that I really do want to do! - but then there's always an emotional letdown. But that's okay!

Congrats on such a significant milestone honey. Wishing you many more to come.

Nan & Mike said...

Here is to getting to that word we all want to hear called viability, I feel the same way as you do, but our hospital is 24 weeks - you are gonna make it there and way past there I just know it and I am following you to the finish line, keep the faith...hang in there sweetie :) xxxooo Nan