Monday, March 15, 2010

Trust

I don't trust.
I don't trust even myself.
Right now I want SO badly to trust my body. To trust that it will do what it is supposed to do.
To trust that this baby will get to come home alive and live with me.

But it's so hard to trust when you've seen it all go bad.

Tomorrow I will be 23 weeks and 3 days pregnant. The day I delivered the twins. It seems surreal. I can't believe that while I'm counting down the days now to one year since they were born, I'm counting UP the days of this pregnancy.

I've said before that it seems absolutely ridiculous to be worried about this day. To think that something tragic will happen again at 23.3. It doesn't make sense.

On the other hand, I find it very...unsettling that I have a very good idea of what this baby inside of me looks like right now.

I don't trust myself. I can't. But I have to keep believing. Keep believing that I will make it one more day, and then the next, and then the next.

And hopefully the next.

10 comments:

Michele said...

oh hon... hugs...

Jill said...

I am believing with you! So many HUGS coming your way! xx

iamstacey said...

You're doing so great! You're breezing right through!! minsi

AKD said...

Oh, hon. I know where you are today, waiting for the other shoe to drop. (Today was our day of gestational loss, too.) I just want you to know I'm thinking of you. You are strong and amazing, and all of your children are so blessed to have you. Hugs today and going forward.

With Out My Punkin said...

Thinking of you and hoping that you will begin to trust in your body as you continue on with a healthy pregnancy!

Nan & Mike said...

Thinking of you today honey - I sent you an email. Hugs and love, Nan xxxooo

Mary said...

Hoping you have a good friend to take you out and keep your mind occupied on 23.3. Then you can look back on it, and see that it has passed. Praying for strength.

Rebuilding Myself said...

I've been thinking of you ... keep on taking it one day at a time.

iamstacey said...

How are you doin'?

Catherine W said...

Thinking of you, these days must be tough. I know that I will be counting up to week 23 if I'm ever pregnant again.

Hoping with you. xo