Sunday, March 28, 2010

Unsure

Right now, I am so very unsure about everything.
I got very good news on Friday. This good news puts me in so many places-happy that I got it, grateful for it, excited-but at the same time I'm not very ready to believe it and it also makes me feel guilty for hearing it when so many of you are struggling so much. I guess, the thing is-I need to just be thankful for good news, believe it as much as I can-and let that hope sit within me to help me through. I think it's good to be hopeful. I think having some of this anxiety go away would be good.
But letting my guard down and saying-oh, everything is going to be perfect-is not really an option right now. I would feel so foolish to let myself go there again!
Anyway, an update, I suppose:
Went to the peri on Friday. He measured my cervix for the 4th time-he's been doing it every 2 weeks, I am 25 weeks at this point. It was over 4.17, so really quite good. He pushed down hard and it didn't budge. I had the BEST. sonographer. EVER this time-she was so nice and thoughtful and as soon as Dr. P left she took out the "dildo cam" and said, "Hey, since you had to go through that, do you want a peek at your baby?" I was SO excited-Brian was there, too, so he go to see. She was squirming around like crazy-she's currently breech, but supposedly she has plenty of time to change.
Then we had our normal appt with Dr. P. He said that we are stopping the ultrasounds-everything looks great. Then he said, "We need to change gears here and stop talking about premature birth and start talking about normalcy, because that is what we are dealing with. You need to start thinking full term."
My heart started pounding and my ears were doing this weird buzzing thing-I know this is good, but I knew what was next. Yep, he broke up with me. He said that he wanted me to pick a regular OB to see for the rest of the pregnancy. He'd love to keep me, but I would be taking up precious appointment time that ladies that really need it couldn't get. I understand-I totally, totally do-but I am so scared!
Then, he said-in his usual Dr. P way, "Well, hey, maybe you'll get lucky and get hypertension or something and then you'll be back!"
Ha, ha.
Anyway, I really had no OB to go to-I saw a fam practice doctor before the twins, so I picked the only name I could think of, which is a woman doctor who happened to be on call the day I delivered the twins. She was very kind and at least she'd know my story and had delivered my other two babies.
So, I guess, that's it-no more high risk pregnancy for me.
This is such a weird feeling. He told me it would happen and that he thought it would. But I guess I always in the back of my mind thought something would go wrong. At one of these appointments, my cervix would have shortened drastically or whatever. But, in reality, he just thinks it was an infection that caused my pprom.
A god damned infection. Killed my babies. I will never get over this.
Tomorrow, the 29th, will make a year ago that I went to bed, rolled over, and my water broke. I hate this day. I dread this day. My anxiety is mounting and I want to sleep the day away.

Wednesday, our French visitors come so I am going to be super busy and probably away from here-I'll read at school when I can, but if I don't comment a lot, know that I am reading and thinking of you. I'm sure I'll make the time to do it whenever I can. Today I went and got $200 worth of groceries. It's so fun but nervewracking to cook for someone from a different country-ahhhhhhhhhh!

I know I don't deserve it, but please keep us in your thoughts still. There's so much time for something to go wrong and while I am thinking SO positively, I'm still terrified (which I know is stupid).

Love and hugs!
xoxo

18 comments:

Courtney said...

What wonderful news but I don't blame you for feeling nervous about it ... I would too.

Keeping you close to my heart as these next few weeks pass by.

*hugs*

Kristin said...

Congrats on your healthy pregnancy. I will pray that the rest of you pregnancy goes really well.

Lisette said...

So happy to hear that your pregnancy is going so well. I know it must be so hard to not be nervous, you went through a very traumatic experience. Thinking and praying for you and your baby girl.

I hope they like your cooking, that would scare me. I am not a big cook.

Just Breathe said...

Sounds like perfect news :)

Jen said...

you are certainly deserving of remaining in thoughts and prayers.. We all get busy and fall behind on our blogger friends sometimes.. :)

I am so glad to read your pregnancy is going so smooth..and praying it continues to do so for a while longer! Have a nice time with your guests and have a great week :)

AKD said...

Of course you are deserving of our prayers and love - so glad for such wonderful, happy news!! :) Hugs to you!

Jill said...

You are so deserving! Congrats on the good news and you will continue to be in my thoughts. xx

Catherine W said...

Excellent news. Thinking 'full term' for you!

I also got left with 'an infection', an infection is what caused it all. Somehow it doesn't seem enough.

Hope your visit goes well on Wednesday.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow and remembering your sweet Sophie and Aiden. xo

ForeverElliot'sMommy said...

Hey silly girl! Don't say you don't deserve our thoughts and prayers! YOU DO!! I can't imagine how scared you are. WOW being looked on so close and now a regular OB, YUCK! Hopefully they will still take extra care of you to try and help your nerves! I couldn't even imagine! You will ALWAYS be in my thoughts and prayers!
Lots of love your way!

Hope's Mama said...

This would trouble me, too.
Thinking of you.
xo

margaret said...

How exciting, to be broken up with because everything is going as it should. I'm so happy for you and will DEFINITELY keep you in my thoughts and prayers...just hang in there Christy and get past the date and start thinking about the finish line with this babe...Hugging you

Tina said...

I know it is hard to let yourself go "there" because we know so many things can still go wrong. But TRY to be confident that you will have a normal pregnancy/delivery. I bought 2 little outfits for my baby this weekend (only because they were super cute and super cheap!!) It was hard to do, it felt weird becuase I could have bought the same ones for my twins, but I did it. You deserve good news, happiness and our continued thoughts and you will have them from me. xx

Shanti Mama said...

Something good about getting kicked out from the MFM office. Your OB pick sounds like a good one. Keep positive as much as you can.

How did you do on the 29th this year?

PS Can you send the French exchange students to my house to whip up some crepes? I've been CRAVING them! ;-)

Take care.

Nan & Mike said...

Hi sweetie - you are soooo deserving all love and support...don't ever say you aren't!
I know the transition from doc to doc will be a hard, but I am happy to hear you were downgraded :)
Hugs honey.
Love, Nan xxxooo

Michele said...

thinking of you...

MoDLin said...

So Dr. P kicked you out - that's great! But I don't blame you at all for being nervous. It's totally understandable. I hope your OB who was with you last time will be mindful of your history and give you a little extra attention. And call her whenever you have a question - whenever!
I look forward to reading lots more posts ad passing the time with you.

With Out My Punkin said...

ol doldo cam. Glad to hear all is going well, don't blame you one bit for what you are feeling! Have fun with the French :)

Holly said...

Well, that's great news that you don't need the high risk dr anymore but I certainly understand being nervous about it!