So, I had my first major meltdown. Ugly crying, snot all over my shirt, can't breath, sob fest. Hubby left to go somewhere, and Avery was napping, and I opened up my computer, and I....well. I started reading baby.center.com. Seriously. And then I started wondering if I would want a side by side stroller or a tandem. And I started reading the reviews.
And I FREAKED.
I was so mad at myself. I can't let myself do this. I can't let myself plan. And DAMMIT, I should have HAD A DOUBLE STROLLER BEFORE. All the reviews ask if you want it for twins or for an older sibling/infant. It made me feel so horrible.
This time, hubs is feeling so optimistic. It's adorable, and I love him for it, and I'm so glad, but the other day he asked if he coudl start working on "the room". I am only 15 weeks. There is an eternity left in this pregnancy. I said as nicely as I could that I wasn't ready. He pressed a little and I yelled at him (ugh).
What I want, what I think I deserve, is to ride this wave of happiness. To dream, and look up strollers on the internet, and pick out a room theme, and...
But, I stop because it hurts. Because having two kids is spectacular, but I should have two 3 year olds. And it breaks my heart. And I've packed up a nursery, which wasn't all that fun.
There's not a good balance for me, even second time around. I'm trying!
The Quiet Zone
13 hours ago
5 comments:
Awww, don't be so hard on yourself in terms of this pregnancy. I think being more cautious is a good way to be this time 'round.
I try to avoid looking at anything that is going to upset me. It's tempting...but it hurts me in the long run.
A few more weeks and maybe you will begin to feel more comfortable with taking about setting up the nursery and stuff?
BIG HUGS!
D
Oh I'm so sorry.
xo
I kept our double stroller from when we had Will and MJ. We use it time to time now and I hate it. A lot. It sucks. A lot. Every pregnancy I don't think I'll ever feel 'safe'. We have seen the worst and have to do what we can, when we can. Take your time, and only do what you can when you can. You're in my heart Christy!
I have the same feelings as you do about planning ahead and dreaming...its so scary. No way I would be okay working on the room either at 15 weeks. It was just too hard to have to rip all of Ella's stuff down. Are you going to find out the sex of the baby this time?
And just my 2 cents when it comes time...get a tandem.
Hang in there!
I am so happy for you Sylv! You guys seem like such joyful parents - the next time will be even better! I'm sorry you're scared too, and can't get excited about another baby. For what it's worth I love reading your blog - even with all its craziness - you're just brave enough to write down what lots of people feel! Hell, I feel crazy sometimes without major life-changing events :) Bisous
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