So, I had my first major meltdown. Ugly crying, snot all over my shirt, can't breath, sob fest. Hubby left to go somewhere, and Avery was napping, and I opened up my computer, and I....well. I started reading baby.center.com. Seriously. And then I started wondering if I would want a side by side stroller or a tandem. And I started reading the reviews.
And I FREAKED.
I was so mad at myself. I can't let myself do this. I can't let myself plan. And DAMMIT, I should have HAD A DOUBLE STROLLER BEFORE. All the reviews ask if you want it for twins or for an older sibling/infant. It made me feel so horrible.
This time, hubs is feeling so optimistic. It's adorable, and I love him for it, and I'm so glad, but the other day he asked if he coudl start working on "the room". I am only 15 weeks. There is an eternity left in this pregnancy. I said as nicely as I could that I wasn't ready. He pressed a little and I yelled at him (ugh).
What I want, what I think I deserve, is to ride this wave of happiness. To dream, and look up strollers on the internet, and pick out a room theme, and...
But, I stop because it hurts. Because having two kids is spectacular, but I should have two 3 year olds. And it breaks my heart. And I've packed up a nursery, which wasn't all that fun.
There's not a good balance for me, even second time around. I'm trying!
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