I remember the first time I found a blog. After I lost the twins I would lie in bed, doing a google search. I'd try, "I lost my baby." Then I'd try "My twins died." I'd basically try all the different variations.
I also remember the first time I got a comment. I wish I could remember who it was, but I was, maybe oddly, so excited. I'd use this blog to pour out my soul and then I would read each comment over and over. I'd leave them in my email so I could re-read them when I got really sad.
It's become a different place for me. I don't really know what to do or say anymore. I continue to read the blogs, but I don't have...or I don't make the time to comment as much. I want to, I just...I don't know. I don't know what it is. I know I don't have as many readers, and I know I still talk to a lot of y'all on face.book.
I'm pregnant again. I'm sorry, I know that sucks to read. I mean, in general, I am always happy for people, but somehow it still stings when I read it.
I'm one of those urban legend people that I usually get so bitter about. Husband and I decided to take a break from cycling. In the month after our last treatment, I lost 15 pounds and then started feeling weird, but wasn't really wanting to take a pregnancy test because I do that to myself ALL the time. With pcos your cycles are so wacky and your symptoms are just like pregnancy symptoms.
But, one night, I just made myself do it, and there you have it. I just couldn't stop crying. I couldn't really understand. It's not something I can do on my own, but...somehow, I did.
I'm 13 weeks now, due January 7th. I've seen the heartbeat twice, but not since about 9 weeks, so anything could've happened since then, and I worry a lot.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel shitty because I need this blog again, but I know I've lost a lot of you. And I feel bad coming in and out, not posting for a while and then saying, Oh, surprise! I'm pregnant and now that I'm all crazy again, I need to write! (and, girls, I AM crazy. holy guacamole)
But, I'm going to write for myself, I've decided. And if it is annoying that I come back for this, I understand. And I will try to comment, but I can't let myself feel guilty if I can't.
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