Sunday, July 1, 2012

Time

I remember the first time I found a blog.  After I lost the twins I would lie in bed, doing a google search.  I'd try, "I lost my baby."  Then I'd try "My twins died."  I'd basically try all the different variations.
I also remember the first time I got a comment.  I wish I could remember who it was, but I was, maybe oddly, so excited.  I'd use this blog to pour out my soul and then I would read each comment over and over.  I'd leave them in my email so I could re-read them when I got really sad.

It's become a different place for me.  I don't really know what to do or say anymore.  I continue to read the blogs, but I don't have...or I don't make the time to comment as much.  I want to, I just...I don't know.  I don't know what it is.  I know I don't have as many readers, and I know I still talk to a lot of y'all on face.book. 

I'm pregnant again.  I'm sorry, I know that sucks to read.  I mean, in general, I am always happy for people, but somehow it still stings when I read it.

I'm one of those urban legend people that I usually get so bitter about.  Husband and I decided to take a break from cycling.  In the month after our last treatment, I lost 15 pounds and then started feeling weird, but wasn't really wanting to take a pregnancy test because I do that to myself ALL the time.  With pcos your cycles are so wacky and your symptoms are just like pregnancy symptoms.

But, one night, I just made myself do it, and there you have it.  I just couldn't stop crying.  I couldn't really understand.  It's not something I can do on my own, but...somehow, I did.

I'm 13 weeks now, due January 7th.  I've seen the heartbeat twice, but not since about 9 weeks, so anything could've happened since then, and I worry a lot. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel shitty because I need this blog again, but I know I've lost a lot of you. And I feel bad coming in and out, not posting for a while and then saying, Oh, surprise!  I'm pregnant and now that I'm all crazy again, I need to write! (and, girls, I AM crazy.  holy guacamole)

But, I'm going to write for myself, I've decided.  And if it is annoying that I come back for this, I understand.  And I will try to comment, but I can't let myself feel guilty if I can't.

16 comments:

Jessica said...

Congrats!!! Such exciting news...thank you for sharing.

Nika M. said...

Congrats. :-)

jenlar3 said...

Congratulations!!! Here is to a happy, healthy pregnancy and a smooth easy delivery!

pottymouthmommy said...

Holy crap do I ever know how you feel!! I spent a solid week or so in complete shock at my pregnancy, i was so stunned that it was even possible after being told that with pcos, endo and all the cervical scarring it was likely to never happen, even with treatment!

Congrats on the pregnancy! I hope everything goes smoothly for you!

bir said...

Still here Christy..... I'm just slack at commenting. Between the introduction of fb, and te iPhone/pad it's just so easy to read or skim, but not comment.

Congrats to you and here's to an awesome and event free nine months and the rest of your and little dude/tte's life!!

X

Hope's Mama said...

I get this. Oh I get this. I am one of the rare "double rainbow" mums and it can feel like both a blessing and a curse. I still hurt, ya know?
Congrats, dear friend. I need to email you.
xo

Sam said...

Its not a bad thing at all! <3 Congrats girl!

Amy said...

Congrats! I'm due January 31!

Michele said...

Congrats! That's lovely news! :)

Jen said...

Congrats!

Megan said...

Girl, do what you need to do, at any time! I'm in the same boat, hardly ever comment, but still read them. I'm so happy for you, I really am. I cannot wait to hear about anything you need to vent!

Ava's mummy said...

Congratulations. Wishing you a gentle and uneventful pregnancy with your beautiful rainbow.

I too still read blogs but don't comment so much anymore. We are still here and this community will always be here to support you when you need it.

Catherine W said...

Oh I'm so happy for you Christy. But I know how scary it is.

And you could never be annoying my dear. You're so harsh on yourself. I read here and comment here not only because I want to support you and I care about you but because YOU help ME!

Sometimes we need to write, sometimes we need to step away. No need to apologise or feel guilty xo

Angela said...

We're all crazy, friend. Use the blog when you need it. That's what it's here for. It has definitely become a different place than when I lost Ella. The first blog I found ever, was Bree's :)

So happy for you. PCOS is a huge B, so happy that you were able to get preggo like this.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Congratulations! I am so happy for you. ((HUGS))

Holly said...

I'm def so happy for you! And I am in that same place with the time and blogging. Wish I had the time to do it like I once did but it's just not possible.