I haven't told too many people about this pregnancy. I guess it's because I still hate reactions. I will never be able to just squeal and scream and jump and say "OMG I"M PREGGERS!" I wish it were different. I wish I felt like I could celebrate.
Please understand that I am over the moon happy and so, so grateful. If I'm not careful, my brain starts going to double strollers and new baby clothes and a big girl bed for Avery so new baby can have the crib. But we are SO far away from that, friends. So far.
And so far, everyone I've told is just so....optimistic. And certain. And I need that. However, I am so scared. So, so scared.
And for all of us, it's the word "fluke" that gets us. My friends are just thinking now that what happened with the twins was a "fluke". It won't happen again. I mean, I carried Avery to her due date. A full 40 weeks. No trips to L & D. No cervical shortening. No infections. No water breaking, ever, in fact. (and I was so thankful for that-ptsd with water breaking has really got me). I did have gestational diabetes, which I was half expecting with pcos and it was borderline and completely diet controlled.
But....what if....what if Avery's pregnancy was the fluke?
Seriously. What if Avery's pregnancy was the fluke?
That's what I'm fixating on right now. I can't seem to shake it. I also keep feeling terrified that I'm going to have a missed miscarriage. I didn't even really know that coudl happen and now that I do, I'm so scared it will happen to me. It's enough to check for blood every single time I wipe, but to know that I could be miscarrying without even knowing it, I can't handle that.
The thoughts come back so quickly. The fear floods back in. I just don't think it gets much easier. Thankfully, I do have a daughter to keep my busy. I think that's a big difference.
I am trying to stay optimistic. I'm so grateful. Trying to be positive. Taking deep breaths. I can do this. I can do this.
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