Tuesday, July 3, 2012

A Fluke

I haven't told too many people about this pregnancy.  I guess it's because I still hate reactions.  I will never be able to just squeal and scream and jump and say "OMG I"M PREGGERS!"  I wish it were different.  I wish I felt like I could celebrate.

Please understand that I am over the moon happy and so, so grateful.  If I'm not careful, my brain starts going to double strollers and new baby clothes and a big girl bed for Avery so new baby can have the crib.  But we are SO far away from that, friends.  So far.

And so far, everyone I've told is just so....optimistic.  And certain.  And I need that.  However, I am so scared.  So, so scared.

And for all of us, it's the word "fluke" that gets us.  My friends are just thinking now that what happened with the twins was a "fluke".  It won't happen again.  I mean, I carried Avery to her due date.  A full 40 weeks.  No trips to L & D.  No cervical shortening.  No infections.  No water breaking, ever, in fact.  (and I was so thankful for that-ptsd with water breaking has really got me).   I did have gestational diabetes, which I was half expecting with pcos and it was borderline and completely diet controlled.

But....what if....what if Avery's pregnancy was the fluke?

Seriously.  What if Avery's pregnancy was the fluke?

That's what I'm fixating on right now.  I can't seem to shake it.  I also keep feeling terrified that I'm going to have a missed miscarriage.  I didn't even really know that coudl happen and now that I do, I'm so scared it will happen to me.  It's enough to check for blood every single time I wipe, but to know that I could be miscarrying without even knowing it, I can't handle that.

The thoughts come back so quickly.  The fear floods back in.  I just don't think it gets much easier.  Thankfully, I do have a daughter to keep my busy.  I think that's a big difference. 

I am trying to stay optimistic.  I'm so grateful.  Trying to be positive.  Taking deep breaths.  I can do this.  I can do this.


Nika M. said...

When we found out we were pregnant again, being optimistic was the hardest thing in the world. I didn't want to tell anyone else because I didn't want to have to tell them if something happened. And I didn't want to deal with everyone else's optimism and ridiculous remarks about replacing the babies I lost.

It did get a little easier. Well, it got a little easier to be excited about him. I can't say that being scared has differed much from the beginning. I'm 31 weeks now, and I'm still terrified. I honestly think knowing so much about all the things that can/do go wrong made it worse because I'd lay awake at night wondering if it would be this thing or that thing that took this one away.

I'm praying for you! <3

Joanna said...

I think these are perfectly normal reactions - its a way to protect your heart. I also was 'robbed' of that 'Yey, I'm pregnant' feeling, as we've been scarred by the loss of our children...but just believe that this will go well. I spent my entire pregnancy fearing that something would happen and I almost couldn't believe it when we made it to delivery time. And in the end, all it did was distance me from our daughter - it took me a few days, maybe even weeks, to feel a bond with her as I was too scared to get attached while pregnant. Nothing we do/don't do will change the outcome, so you might as well enjoy and love this baby as much as possible. Sending you lots of hugs!!!

Catherine W said...

I would desperately love another baby but, like you, I'm uncertain as to which of my pregnancies was the fluke. There is only the one that could be deemed a true success, full term, healthy. 1/3. Doesn't look great does it.

I know it is scary but I can't help but feel optimistic. I'll hope for you and this little one if you feel you can't bring yourself to you. I'll hope for double strollers and new baby clothes and a big girl bed. You can do this. Hang on in there x

BeckyG said...

I am a new reader, I wandered over from blog Lori Does Maryland. I am also newly pregnant (9 weeks) and feeling anxious. My husband and I lost our first daughter at 2 years old (she had severe special needs), then we lost two foster daughters after a year and a half. So my situation is a bit different, but I understand pain and loss as a mother. I will keep you in prayer and will be following along on your journey.

Courtney said...

I love you my friend. I so hate how we were robbed of the joy in pregnancy. Now we have constant fear during the whole thing. I will say that I'm super excited for you guys and will keep you close to my heart as you go through your second rainbow pregnancy. *hugs*

Alissa said...

I know I haven't been where you have been, hun, but I know that what you are going through is taking a risk. A risk of being a hurt again, and for that, I am sorry. As Courtney said, I hate that the joys of pregnancy have been stripped of us, but regardless of your rainbow, it continues to be scary. Just know that you have a lot of people rooting for you and this baby. And please do what you need to do to take care of yourself and share your frustrations. This is your safe place...so spill it, sister. ((hugs))

Angela said...

You can do it. I know you are trying to be optimistic, but its just so damn hard. I know my body didn't lose Ella...but with PCOS, having a hard time getting pregnant, my mom having a preterm baby, everything I know now that I didn't know before...and feeling like Noah was so far down I was going to go into labor early, and then my water breaking at 37 weeks and having GD as well...it was hard to think I was going to bring him home. I still check on them both to make sure they are breathing at night and they are over a year! Everyone is supposed to be optimistic for you, even when you can't be. That's why you have friends.
It's hard, but so exciting, scary, amazing, terrifying, all of the above. I checked for blood every time I wiped up until I was in the hospital in labor. I did kick counts. I poked him all the time when I could finally feel him. The list goes on and on...once you know loss is possible and much more common that people realize, you are just changed. Just keep counting the weeks....you can do this.

Deni said...

You know I'm on the side of optimism with this pregnancy, but I COMPLETELY understand your feelings and think you are justified and allowed to feel that. My advice is to lean into it when you feel it, but do NOT allow the fear to swallow you. The only thing that held me together during Cala's pregnancy was constantly repeating the verse from 2 Timothy 1:7 "for God did not give you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." I didn't feel very 'sound of mind', so I had to repeat it constantly. Do you have a fetal heartrate monitor? I used that often, and freaked myself out a few times, but it mostly calmed me, you could do that! Sending you tons of love and positive thoughts, and you know I'm here for any vents/freakouts/etc that you need! Big southern hugs honey!!!

Lori said...

Oh friend. I ask myself that all the time.

What if Matthew and Luke were the flukes? Because it's been known to be true....that women carry babies full term, have losses, get tested, and then learn that they have some issue that makes the fact that their full term (hell, couldn't even type living without having to erase because Matthew being full term sure as heck doesn't equal living right now, does it) babies even more miraculous.

And I wonder if that was what happened with my last pregnancy...and even though losing a twin at 7.5 weeks and then Trey several weeks later is not the same (are any losses the same?) as your sweet twins...I know just a teeny, tiny bit how seeing double strollers stings. I feel like hanging out in my fertility clinic's graduate room on FB is torture because there are so many twin pregnancies...and they are so blissful—like things will be great because the hard part was the getting pregnant and now it's smooth sailing.


Friend...all I can say is that this pregnancy is a miracle. They all are. And I'm so thrilled for you and will just pray that you are able to enjoy every second you can...knowing that it's bittersweet, but sweet nonetheless.

Holly said...

It's def not easy, this pregnancy thing after loss. You worry every day and you just hope that everything will turn out ok. You hope but then are afraid to hope too much.