A few weeks ago, we found out this baby is a boy.
I had a feeling that it was, but not a very strong one, and mostly just a "I'm scared" feeling that it would be. I'm not scared of having a boy, but I was scared of this feeling. This feeling that now, I have a girl and a boy.
The perfect family.
Right?
I remember when we found out the twins were a boy and a girl. I was over the MOON. One of each! What could be better??? A girl for me and a boy for the hubby. Pink, fluffy dresses and choochoo trains.
I don't talk too much about being pregnant. I think I might announce it on face.book soon, only because I have relatives that I would like to know and it's the easiest way. But, up until now, I haven't really said anything . Whenever I do, it's the first thing out of their mouth.
"A girl and a boy! Now you have the perfect family. One of each."
I want to scream. Don't they understand (of course they don't; if they did, they wouldn't say it) that I will never have the perfect family? I will have half of my family here, and half of my family in Heaven. I will have one girl and (hopefully) one boy, but the other two I'll never get to know. It's not perfect.
But, it's mine. My family. And I'm proud of it! Just sometimes it's hard to feel.
On Monday I will be 24 weeks. This week has been awful, filled with an enormous amount of anxiety and lots of nightmares. Last night, actually, I had to wake my husband up to turn on the light to make sure there wasn't a snake hanging on the curtain rod. I really, really believed it was there. I was up the rest of the night. Ugh.
It's not like I'm naive enough to think that once I get past 24 weeks everything will be ok, it's just the first of many milestones I need to get through. We started school a few weeks ago. I have a very nice class, but they are extremely needy and I'm coming home every day stressed and exhausted. I keep feeling like I'm doing too much and I get home and am almost scared to move. I'm SO thankful I have an understanding, kind, worried husband. He won't let me lift anything, use cleaning products, change diapers (since A likes to kick while being changed and finds it hilarious), etc. It helps my anxiety more than anything.
I had an appointment this week and asked my doctor about when I would have to decide about a tubal ligation. I'm not decided yet, but, I think I'm on my way. I know I wanted to have more than 2 kids, I know I'm still young, I know all these things. However, pregnancy and ALL it entails-it consumes me. It's never ending. PCOS, when is my period, am I ovulating? Could I be pregnant? fertility doctors, checking for bleeding, peeing on a stick, checking for bleeding, ptsd, being afraid to roll over, to sneeze for fear my water will break, not being able to lift my daughter....it all is so much. I wish it were easy, I wish I were "good" at pregnancy, but I'm not. And I am FOREVER and forever so unbelievably grateful that I got the chance to be pregnant, bring home a healthy daughter, and now hopefully a healthy son. I think I want to move on to the next chapter of my life, end my reproductive years and focus on being a mom.
Of course, I'll wait to make a decision until I'm at a gestation where prematurity isn't an issue. I don't know that if this baby died, I'd want to have any more anyway, but I don't think I'd get a tubal all the same. I remember my desperation to be pregnant again when I lost the twins.
Anyway, a lot on my mind lately. I'm just working, being a mom, and trying so hard to make this a peaceful, healthy pregnancy. I'm so thankful for your prayers, well wishes, and comments.
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8 comments:
Christy, sending you hugs across the miles and hoping you do well. I remember the same decision when we were having our rainbow number 2. After our rainbow number 1 we knew for sure we would try again someday but then with rainbow number 2 on the way we felt we couldn't handle the worry and stress any more. It was a really hard decision but after we went ahead and had the tubal done we were more content some how. I'm not telling you that it is the right decision for you because it is such an individual decision. Just saying I understand how you feel, the worry, the stress, the loneliness for the babies that are not in your arms, and the future decisions. Hugs again my friend, take care.
At 25 weeks were in such a similar situation. We're having our second rainbow baby. Our third girl. We lost our son to SIDS after a rocky road when my water broke at 23 weeks. It's hard to know we will never have another son or the opportunity to raise a boy, but I also know how hard and how stressful conception and pregnancy has been. I don't know how I could handle the stress and the fears of another pregnancy while handling the children I do have and the one on the way. I signed our consent for tubal ligation but part of me wonders if it's the right decision.
I got a lot of the "perfect family" comments too and it always made me either want to cry, or punch the person in the face! For me, I knew as soon as I got pregnant with rainbow #2 that I was done. No matter what happened. I desperately wanted another baby after rainbow #1- and was told it was never going to happen. Between the crap cervix and my PCOS- I was strongly encouraged to have a tubal. I refused to do it then, and now that I've changed docs and had an abdominal cerclage placed, it was assumed I'd be gung-ho to have more babies. But I'm not. The doc who did my c-section spent a solid ten minutes grilling me on why I wanted it and if I was sure. I told him- wouldn't YOU want it done if you were me? As much as I adore my babies, pregnancy is HELL for me. Even with a tubal- I'm STILL terrified of getting pregnant again to the point where I was tempted to ask for birth control pills at my postpartum check-up!!!
Take your time, and don't think you have to decide right away. If you're truly "done"- you've got time to decide what you want to do for birth control, if you're not sure- you're probably not "done".
We get a lot of "perfect family" comments too
Ticks me off. Sending love and prayers.
Though we didn't lose twins, I certainly understand your "perfect family" frustrations. I was so anxious when we found out Juliet was a girl (even though we never told ANYONE we found out) as I knew the "perfect family" comments would come, as well as the "oh you're all better now you have a GIRL". Both so untrue.
xo
People's comments are stupid and what if this baby were a girl too, would that make your family imperfect? Once you have dead babies life will never be perfect again, sorry, but that is a fact for this BLM, doesn't mean I'm not grateful and completely happy and in love with my family, it's just that there is a hole that nothing else can fill!!
Sending you love and prayers for more peaceful sleep without nightmares!
Oh, Christy. Sending big, big hugs. My first year of grief has made me not a careful, nice person like I used to be. In your situation (having lost girl/boy twins myself), I think I would remind those people that, no, I have TWO of each. To model a comedian I once heard: "Truth...that'll shut 'em up."
I realize this post is from 2012, but I can now sadly relate to your story. If I hear one more person say 'a millionaires family' I will SCREAM! I have a 2 year old daughter and we just lost our son suddenly at 36 weeks. Now every time I hear this saying it makes me sick as I think of what would have been. I am so sorry for your loss. For some sick reason I find comfort in reading other peoples sad stories. I suppose it makes me feel more 'normal'. Thank you for sharing and god bless.
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