Friday, November 2, 2012

I have come here to blog so many times in the past few weeks. So much goes through my head, and I just dont think I can even articulate it in words.
I am just about 31 weeks into this pregnancy.  This is when I finally relax about about having a micropreemie, and start panicking about kick counts and stillbirth and low fluid, and a million other things I have not experienced but have read about.
Last weekend we painted a room.  We painted it blue.  I have a room in my house with a little girl and one Im now getting ready for a little boy.
I had some friends ask me about a shower and I heard myself saying yes.  I almost couldnt believe it.
I just want to believe. I want to wash the little blue clothes and put the choo choo trains on the wall.  I want to stock up on diapers and starting making plans.
This is all old news to you.  I warned you that I dont have much to say.  I feel so guilty because Im supposed to enjoy pregnancy, just be happy, dont take it for granted.  But, the truth is, I hate it.  I hate being pregnant.  It scares the crap out of me, I cant focus at work I am not a great mom to Avery I think my grief for the twins gets a little worse.  I have the stupid gestational diabetes again and it stresses me to the max.  I really, honestly feel like time is standing still.  I keep begging the universe...just help me get Avery a living sibling here and I swear, Ill be done.  I wont push my luck,
I know I should be enjoying my time with just avery ,but frankly, she is 2 and not napping and I have a very stressful class and I am just cranky.  I hate myself for that.  Ugh.
I shouldnt even publish this, but I know some of you are wondering and checking in .im fine, good really, but too full of complaints for my own good.  I know I am lucky, I know I have it good.  I am ready to have this litle boy safely here.
Hope you are all well!

4 comments:

Michele said...

Hugs, dear one... Many, many hugs

Angela said...

You are NOT a complainer! You are HUMAN. It's okay to feel all these things...I think I would wonder about you if you didn't have so many of these thoughts! It's totally OK to hate pregnancy, you have reasons...praying these next weeks go fast for you...time really is passing, even if it seems slow. Fall is upon us, and you will have this little man before the year is up. GD totally sucks, and just adds another layer of stress, like you need one. Be kind to yourself. You are handling a lot right now. Toddlers and pregnancy have got to be crazy...haven't had that yet... But A reminds me so much of O. and I know I got nuts most days and I'm not even pregnant! It doesn't make you a bad Mama, just one with a lot on her plate. Hugs and love to you.

With Out My Punkin said...

<3 ((hugs))

iamstacey said...

Hello, my friend. I haven't been there for you, and I hope all is going well. I hope you enjoy the holidays with sweet Avery and you're feeling good. Thinking of you.