Monday, March 28, 2011

One Day

April 13th.
Their birthday.
The one day a year that I somehow feel ok with letting myself completely be vulnerable. For picking off that scab and letting the pain flow freely and over me.
The one day that through that pain I can see the little specks of light. The sunshine peeking through. The thought that I am so grateful that they were ever here. That they have shown me love beyond means. Love beyond my wildest dreams. Emotions that I could not have ever imagined.
Last night, it was 2 years since my water broke. I laid down in my bed to go to sleep on a Sunday night. I couldn't get comfortable. I flopped over onto my right side and heard and felt a pop. My life instantly felt over. I glanced at the clock as I left the room to go to the hospital. 9:40 p.m.
Last night at 9:40 I sat in a chair, numb, starting at the clock.
Today I found out that since I used up all my days taking care of Avery after she was born, in order for me to miss work on the 13th, it will cost $246.57.
The cost of me being able to grieve.
Will mean we wouldn't be able to pay our bills.
And so my heart is killing me because I know that the right thing to do would be to go to work.
How in the world will I do this?

I need advice. Have any of you chosen or been forced to go to work? I'm sure you have. What did you do to make it through? How do I stand in front of 180 middle schoolers throughout the day without breaking down?


Jessica said...

I certainly can't provide you with words of wisdom on how to make it through the day since I had to bail early because my grief was over-whelming today. I guess you should prepare for the day in whatever way you can if you can not take it off. Have a plan in place for your emotional needs just as you do for your lessons. I try to do that and most days it works, today being the exception. Even more importantly have someone (or more than one person) who can check in with you through out the day. The teacher across the hall does this for me and I let her know in the morning if it looks like it is going to be a rough day.

Sending you hugs for when you need them most!

Michele said...

Oh honey... I'm sorry. So very sorry. I went back to work after Nicholas and Sophia died; I took 6 weeks off. And then, after Alexander died, I took a month off. Going back was agony. Sheer agony. And I couldnt be there on their birthdays. That first year, I was still working in February, but, when I got pregnant in March, I gave my notice and left in May. It was so painful. I was a librarian and dealt with small children every day, for hours on end. I still remember that anxiety in the pit of my stomach.

AKD said...

I'm taking off Maddie's birthday again this year, but I'm blessed with enough vacation. I'm so very, very sorry, Christy. That has to be so hard, and I am sending you love and hugs.

Jen said...

I have worked at home since having Ella, so I don't really know. Is there anyway they could watch a movie? or some other 'fluff work' that doesn't require much interaction? I am sorry I don't have better advice or thoughts to help.. ((hugs))

Deni said...

I agree with giving them some 'fluff' work, stuff where you don't have to be totally 'present' all day long! Teachers give this to their kids all the time for no good reason. You have an excellent reason, so be easy on yourself! Wish I could come cover for you, but since I live a million miles away and I'm not a teacher (that's a big one I guess), I'll just be lifting you up!!

Marie W said...

Big hugs Christy. I usually end up working only because it takes my mind off the grief. I agree with Deni - give them a project they can work on independently wile you just "monitor". I will be be thinking of you and lifting you up in prayer.

Catherine W said...

Oh no. I am so sorry that you are faced with this situation. Is there any chance that you might be able to negotiate with your boss?

Just take it as easy as you can. Go for something where your input can be minimal?

Anonymous said...

Movie Day.
Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there Christy! I agree, give them some of that fluff work i.e. a movie, a project, small group activities where they can teach each other for the day. Good luck to you...

New Year Mum said...

That is such a hard choice... is there any other type of leave you could take ? We have what's called "compassionate leave" as extra leave that most people don't know about... ask your boss. My heart goes out to you and I hope that if you have to work, you could at least do simple things for the day xoxo

Lori said...

Oh's not fair to even have the dilemma is it? Teachers just get paid crap. That's all there is to it. All of those who think we have such great schedules (all summer off!) don't realize that we actually don't get PAID for those days off!!! Our salary is still 10 month, just spread out to "get us through" the summer, meaning piddly all the way around.

And as much as I'd love to be able to suggest the same--movie, fluff day--I know if your district is anything like mine, that would be THE day that someone from county office came in and I'd be screwed for not having a rigorous enough lesson plan for the day. So, if a movie and discussion after is not doable, I just pray that whatever you end up having to do is something you get through quickly and with peace. I'd try to get there with very little time before class (so you don't get caught up talking with your colleagues, unless you want to) and plan on leaving the second your contract lets you--just planning that may help you anticipate a little better.
Hating the fact that you even have to make the decision. will be thinking about you!!! xoxoxo

Holly said...

Im sorry you don't have time to take the day off :( for Carleigh's 1st it fell on a Sunday and this year it was on a Monday but I didn't have to work b/c it was my wkend to work and when we work Sat we take the Mon before off. So I was able to avoid making that decision this year.

I like the idea of a movie or something else so that you don't have to interact as much

Anonymous said...

I can't bear the thought of going back to work. I'm so sorry you have to go on such a day. I don't know how you do it.

And I'm so sorry to hear about Louis. One of our dogs, Dobby, is doing the same thing. We literally flew to the vet with her because we thought she was dying. Turns out, she's faking the whole thing. Dogs are so much smarter than we ever realized! We're trying to work through it right now, but it's hard. It looks so much like she's suffering, it's hard to remember she's just faking.

Anonymous said...

And I still wake up every two hours to check on Davie while she's asleep. I'm so tired, but I just have to know she's ok! And I don't even have your history. I can't imagine how much harder it is. It really freaks me out if she's the littlest big congested.