Tuesday, March 8, 2011

This time of year

Nan, Bree, Tiffany, Rachel, Holly, Tina-so many more-this time of year we are missing so many babies.
There are so many children that should be here that aren't. It's every time of year, though.
It's always.
We are always missing them.

My friend had her twins. Peyton and Parker. They came early, but at 36 weeks they had no NICU time and are already home. I only know they are home because of a mutual friend. I'm too afraid to ask about the birth story. I'm too afraid to ask how it's going.

I'm afraid to know. I'm afraid to know that they're not getting any sleep. That breastfeeding two babies is incredibly hard. That they are going through SO many diapers and washing seventeen loads of laundry a day.

I am really struggling with this, but it's just there, just at the brim-I haven't been able to let it out yet. I haven't been able to really let this wash over me and let me truly accept.

Avery has a cold. When she has the sniffles, I panic. I swear I've read stories about SIDS where they start with a virus.

I wonder when, if ever, I will put Avery to sleep and not immediately start to worry that she will never wake up.

All of this has nothing to do with the other and everything to do with the other.

I'm lost. Wandering through a fog. Stressed. Sad.

Happy. So incredibly blessed.

Same old, Christy. Same old.

12 comments:

New Year Mum said...

I know exactly how you feel... sometimes I get up at night to check on our toddler and make sure she's OK. Sorry that you're feeling so sad and stressed... I thought time would help it get easier but it hasn't really for me either. Thinking of you and your twins xoxo

Hope's Mama said...

All my love to you. Your posts always hit home with me. This is such a lonely road, but certainly less lonely with girls like you along for the ride.
xo

Kristin said...

Thinking of you

Bree said...

I think once a day, I say, "please don't die." It's so hard. This time of year sucks, but I'm so glad all of us have eachother to understand and lean on. xo

Emerging Butterfly said...

This hits home to the core....to the core.

I put on the big happy smile and offer my love...and inside I am sobbing..."why didn't I get MY twins???" WHY!!!

((HUGS))

AKD said...

A had a cold the last two weeks, and I was sobbing from worry. It isn't fair or right. I am sending you love.

With Out My Punkin said...

((hugs)) I fear too... Love you

iamstacey said...

I'm so sorry, Christy. What is it about spring? So many babies are due (and lost) in the spring. I'm so sorry this is such a hard time.

book fish said...

I understand. I lost my 30 weeks premature baby boy, only son last novemeber. Now am childless and lonely and what not. Missing my baby all the time.

Becky Baker said...

I know what you mean about not being able to ask any details about a friends pregnancy, etc!
My very close friend is pregnant and I can't ask her a thing, i get sick to my stomach. Its so hard!
I'm sorry :-(
hugs

Holly said...

Thanks Christy

I think it would be hard to know about what your friend is experiencing right now with her babies.

I hope t hat Avery is feeling better

Lali Johnson said...

I feel the same way!

(I found your blog through Emily's blog (Aidan, baby of mine)). I hope you don't mind.

I lost baby B last year. Baby A is now 6 months old. It's so hard. I have such a hard time around twins (and we just moved into an area overflowing with them).

And I think because of the circumstances of getting Baby A here, I'm uber-cautious about her showing any sign of sickness. But I think thats normal. Right?