Sunday, February 27, 2011


There are just certain events that stand out in my mind.
I've been able to mostly stop the replaying of the entire 2 weeks between the moment when my water broke and the moments that we held them when I lay down at night. My therapist told me all this tricks to continue to tell myself "It is over. It is done. It is in the past. I will think of these events only when I want and have time."
There was a part, too, about how I should mentally put the memories into like a chest or something at the bottom of the ocean, but I could never actually wrap my mind around it.
Sometimes the really bad memories hit me like a flash (punch in the stomach) and I don't know when they'll come and it's bad, but it's usually momentary.

Lately, the "good" memories are hurting worse than the bad.

I keep flashing to my husband and me. Sitting in a sandwich shop. We had just had our very first ultrasound where we were told it was twins.

I don't know if I'll ever see my husband that happy again. That truly, truly happy. I won't forget the phone calls we made-the SCREAMS of delight we heard over the phone-the tears of gratefulness. The happiness we gave our families.

I can't remember what I was wearing. I can't remember specifics like that, but I just remember the happiness.

I also keep thinking about the day we had our 20 week scan. I almost threw up in the waiting room I was so nervous something was wrong. After we had a perfect scan, after we found out we had a boy and a girl waiting to meet us, we decided, on a whim, to go and buy a mini-van. We spent the rest of the day at the car dealership, then drove all the way to Brian's mom's house to show her-we were SO DARN proud of that stupid van.

I hate driving that van.

Sometimes I really think the happy stories hurt me just as much as the horrifying ones. Sometimes I hate that these memories creep up on me. It's weird because Avery's pregnancy was more recent and I don't remember a lot about it at all-just the crippling fear.

Our brains try so hard to protect us. It doesn't always work.


Eye-shuh said...

aw.. Im sorry.
those happy memories ARE almost mocking sometimes... <3
Love all you can :)

Hope's Mama said...

The happy memories almost destroy me as well. I still can't believe that I went from being that happy to THIS devastated all in an instant. I too can only remember the fear of Angus' pregnancy. Really, that's all there was until they took him out alive.

AKD said...

This made me cry, thinking of Jon and I eating breakfast and waiting for the IVF doctor to call and confirm our pregnancy. Sending you hugs, sweetie.

Michele said...

oh honey... hugs

Jill said...

I totally get this. HUGS!!

Emerging Butterfly said...'s the happy memories for me as well. Sure, the awful ones are bad...but it's the happy ones that were so full of joy that never got to actualize. I remember telling my mother in law, who was not supportive of the pregnancy, that I couldn't wait for her to MEET this special baby...for we didn't know we had twins...because I was sure she would love him. She never got to love them. I remember my joy...and that joy is such a contrast to the loss, that it sometimes threatens to drown me.

Ann said...

I ache for you and with you. Hugs.