Memories

There are just certain events that stand out in my mind.
I've been able to mostly stop the replaying of the entire 2 weeks between the moment when my water broke and the moments that we held them when I lay down at night. My therapist told me all this tricks to continue to tell myself "It is over. It is done. It is in the past. I will think of these events only when I want and have time."
There was a part, too, about how I should mentally put the memories into like a chest or something at the bottom of the ocean, but I could never actually wrap my mind around it.
Sometimes the really bad memories hit me like a flash (punch in the stomach) and I don't know when they'll come and it's bad, but it's usually momentary.

Lately, the "good" memories are hurting worse than the bad.

I keep flashing to my husband and me. Sitting in a sandwich shop. We had just had our very first ultrasound where we were told it was twins.

I don't know if I'll ever see my husband that happy again. That truly, truly happy. I won't forget the phone calls we made-the SCREAMS of delight we heard over the phone-the tears of gratefulness. The happiness we gave our families.

I can't remember what I was wearing. I can't remember specifics like that, but I just remember the happiness.

I also keep thinking about the day we had our 20 week scan. I almost threw up in the waiting room I was so nervous something was wrong. After we had a perfect scan, after we found out we had a boy and a girl waiting to meet us, we decided, on a whim, to go and buy a mini-van. We spent the rest of the day at the car dealership, then drove all the way to Brian's mom's house to show her-we were SO DARN proud of that stupid van.

I hate driving that van.

Sometimes I really think the happy stories hurt me just as much as the horrifying ones. Sometimes I hate that these memories creep up on me. It's weird because Avery's pregnancy was more recent and I don't remember a lot about it at all-just the crippling fear.

Our brains try so hard to protect us. It doesn't always work.