Saturday, February 5, 2011

Heaviness

The calendar has turned to February. It's almost as if as I turned the page (figuratively, I guess, because my calendar is online now), I could feel the heaviness pushing down.
Two years.
Their two year birthday isn't until April, but March was the beginning of the end. My memories are in pieces, but mid-March I think I lost my mucus plug without really knowing. March 29th-the night my water broke and my life fell into shambles.
I just can't believe that it's only been 2 years and I can't believe that it's already 2 years.

I look around and I see people doing amazing things in memory of their babies. I just can't seem to get it together. I want to run away; to hide. I want to pull the blankets over my head. I am in the middle of planning a March of Dimes walk and there are mornings when I want to cancel the whole thing. I want to sulk and cry and mope and whine.

I wish I was different. I wish I was better. I wish I could do something amazing in Sophie and Aiden's honor.

But I feel so heavy. I feel so much weight on my shoulders. I feel sad. I feel like I need to stay happy for Avery. I've had trouble the last few nights as I snuggle her before bedtime. The tears just start rolling and I can't stop them.

I wish I could blink and have it all be over with!

10 comments:

New Year Mum said...

Hi.. doing a March of Dimes walk is doing something amazing in their honor - but our memories, tears and ongoing love them are the most truly amazing things we do for our bubs every day xo

Michele said...

We just passed Nicholas's 3rd birthday and Sophia's is 10 days away. I still cant believe it's been 3 years. Thinking of you...

butterflymom said...

Oh, hun...this post just took my breath away, since it is so similar to the way I feel. The feeling of not being able to move on...the overall heaviness of the situation. Just remember, there is no time limit to what you feel. Everyone is different, and we need to accept that we handle grief in different ways. You are doing the best you can...remember that. Take care and sending love and hugs your way.

Jessica said...

Yesterday I was thinking I can't believe I survived two months without William and Ethan...and here you are looking at two years. I can't even imagine what that will look or feel like today. Sending you lots of hugs and warm thoughts in hopes that they can bring you some comfort on the harder days.

Krista said...

Remembering them is the best thing you can do for them. Having a walk, donating things to charity/hospitals/etc.. is great, but you are giving their lives meaning by remembering them everyday.

AKD said...

Love to you and the twins, dear friend. I am sending you love and hugs from my heart to yours.

Hope's Mama said...

Oh sweetie, I know. I wish I could be better as well. Two and a half years out, still so very sad.
xo

Jill said...

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

(Love the blog look!)

Ann said...

Oh, my heart aches for you. I wish I had words of comfort. I wish it could be different, for all of us. But I agree, there is no time limit to our grief. I once heard that grief is a direct response to having loved. The only way to by-pass grief is to never have loved at all. And that thought is apalling to me. You hurt so deeply (as do all of us who understand your pain), nearly two years later, because you loved your children so purely.

Hang in there. I'm thinking of you.

iamstacey said...

Ths will be a hard couple of months. I'm so sorry. :(