Sunday, January 30, 2011

Mortality

Right after the twins died, I thought I would be ok with dying. I wasn't suicidal; I just thought-I guess if I die now, at least I'll get to be with them. It seemed like I wasn't afraid to die anymore.

I found out last night that it's not true. I mean, of course, I wish they could be here with me and of course I know that once I die I will be reunited with them. But, I want to be here.

My mom came yesterday to spend the day with Avery so we could have a little time to ourselves. We went out for a relaxing lunch, went grocery shopping, and hung out with my mom. When the evening was over, I had to drive my mom to a town about 40 miles away so her husband could pick her up.

We had one of the best mother/daughter talks we've ever had during that time. We talked about the twins, about Mary (my sister who was stillborn), about funerals and how we want to be buried. We talked about guardianship of Avery and wills and living wills. We talked about my (estranged) father and just life in general.

After I dropped her off, I got back on the interstate to head home. It was snowing lightly and raining a little. My cell phone rang and I picked it up only to tell my husband that I was on my way home. As I was driving along, I told him I had to go since I don't like driving and talking and right when I said that, all of the cars in front of me were suddenly braking. All I could see was brake lights. I don't remember all of it, but I hit my brakes, and the anti-lock brakes kicked in, and my car went out of control. I realized there was ice on the road. I wavered a little, tried to pump the brakes, and then started to spin. I spun around completely twice, then went into the ditch. Pretty far, around 20 feet, into the snow.

My poor husband could hear it all happen. He could hear the tires squealing. He could hear me screaming.

You might think this is dramatic, but as the car was spinning, I thought I was going to die. I wondered if I had said I love you to Avery before I left. I was thankful I recorded her a storybook for Christmas so she could have a sample of my voice.

I don't want to die.

It ended up that I just needed pulled out by a wrecker, and the van is ok, and I am ok. The dog was with me, and he is ok. Brian is shaken up because he, too, thought I was going to die. He tells me that he wanted to hang up because he didn't want to listen, but he couldn't hang up because...well, you just can't.

As if I needed a reminder that life hangs by a thread-that one single moment can change the entire course of your life.

But I got another one.

13 comments:

Once A Mother said...

thank god you are okay. i can only imagine how horrific this was for Brian. my heart hurts to think of what must have gone through his mind.

Holly said...

I have no doubt that was so scary. You realize in moments like that there is still so much to live for.

Hope's Mama said...

Oh Christy, you poor thing. I was holding my breath reading this. I had a fair idea it ended well, given were here to write this post, but I still couldn't help but get a sense of dread.
I know what you mean though. I don't want to die. I don't want to leave Angus without a mummy, but I also don't think I'm afraid of it as I once was. Being a childless mother for those 15 months, I can relate to wanting to die, but not being suicidal.
I'm so, so glad you're ok. How terrifying.
xo

Selena @ Stoneyville said...

Wow that is the scariest thing I have read in a while, I am glad you were okay. How scary for your husband to have to hear that and not be able to do anything about it. Too bad we generally figure out the most important things from something bad like that happening.

Michele said...

oh honey... hugs... I can totally relate.

New Year Mum said...

What a vivid reminder of how life really can change in a split second... how scary it must have been for you - and your husband. My heart with in my mouth for you as I read xo

Anonymous said...

Glad you are okay, now lesson #1 - DO NOT PUMP anti-lock brakes. They pump for you and know you are skidding. Push the pedal on the floor and keep it there!
Lesson #2 DO NOT talk on the phone when you are driving. DON'T DO IT, rain, shine, day, night - it's idiotic thing to do and if you must call someone, pull over! Put your ringer on silence during long drive homes!!
Glad you are okay.

Mirne said...

I'm glad you are ok. I know what you mean about being ok about dying. I think I am now. Definitely. Not because I think I will be with my children, but simply because it's real and not scary any more.

AKD said...

I've had these same thougts, being okay with dying. I've even made it very clear to my family that I want Maddie's urn buried with me.

I have been in similar situations to this, and it's terrifying. Even when I think about them years later, my heart quickens. I'm so very glad you're okay, my dear friend.

LetterstoClaire said...

Terrifying is absolutely the best word to describe that. I'm glad that you are okay and while it's not a great thing to experience, it sounds like the revelation you received from it was a good one.

Lisette said...

Oh goodness, I am glad you are safe. Your poor husband, what he must of have felt at that moment! ((HUGS))

Christy said...

Glad your'e okay. That is a scary moment. The first part of this post is so true, though. I remember feeling that dying wasn't something I was scared of after I lost Chase.
xo

With Out My Punkin said...

OMG how scary. I am so glad that you are ok. Your babies were watching over you. <3