Sunday, January 16, 2011

A new look and asteroid b-612

So, how fabulous is Franchesca from Small Bird Studio? I absolutely, positively love my new blog look. I've been wanting a bloggy makeover for so long, and so my husband gave me one for Christmas :) I couldn't wait for her to open the wait list! If you have been wanting something new-please go check her out.

I am feeling lately like I'm completely drowning. Having B and I both back to work is just so hard-and I feel like I'm failing at everything now. I'm not as good of a teacher, I'm not as good of a mom, and not as good as a wife. I'm like seriously obsessive about the cleanliness/non-clutter of my house and when I don't have enough time to devote to it, my stress level sky rockets.

I'm feeling so out of it and so over-sensitive. After losing the twins, I'm just so darn emotional and I was emotional even before all of it. I take everything so personally (and this is not great when you work with sassy middle schoolers) and I'm annoyed with my family, specifically my in-laws, who are some of the more selfish people I've met in my life.

Avery had this horrible stomach virus last weekend-she had awful, awful diarrhea. I know I've read this on other blogs, but the second anything is even a little off about her, I am convinced it's some sort of horrible illness. If she doesn't take her normal bottle, I think she may die of sids. I read too many blogs. Too many stories on faces of loss. I need to stay positive and know in my heart that she is fine. That she's healthy. That she was born full term. That she's beautiful and thriving and meeting all her milestones.

But so was the case with so many of our beautiful lost babies.

Life is so tender. It can be ripped from us in a minute.

And because I think about all of this, I'm not sleeping well. When I can sleep, with Avery teething, and getting 6 month shots and all the rest.

I don't know where I'm going with any of this. I guess I'm just saying when things get like this I want to run away-today's destination is Asteroid b-612 (anyone a little prince fan out there?).


Deni said...

I can only imagine that it's hard not to be scared all the time, but I wish I could take that from you!! You do need to get your sleep though, that just makes you more emotional and that makes all your troubles that much worse!!! Sending you love and some sleepy vibes!!!

LetterstoClaire said...

I worry sometimes about how much blog reading I do. Losing Claire opened my eyes to more than just cervical incompetence- now I know about 100 different things that can go wrong and result in your baby dying. So many of them are uncontrollable.. I'm sure I'll react the same way when I am able to bring a baby home with me. I like to think it will make me an ever better mother, maybe a wee bit paranoid too, but we can't go back to the sensibilities we had before we lost our babies. All we can do is try to strike a balance between faith everything will be fine and fear that we know sometimes things won't be. Now, go count some sheep (when I can't sleep I mentally redecorate rooms in my house..hehe) and get some sleep :)

Christy said...

Love your new look Christy! And yes, I am a Littlest Prince fan, too. When my kids get a cough, I'm scared they are going to die. As much as I hated my kids getting sick before, it's that much more worse now----so I totally relate. Sending you hugs....and peace.

Ava's mummy said...

So love your new look, it is beautiful.

No words of wisdom I'm afraid but much gentleness and sleepy vibes heading your way.

AKD said...

I LOVE the new look. It's so you!

Every single time I wake up in the middle of the night, I check Alice's breathing... to reassure myself that she'll make it through this night, and hopefully the next one, and the next one. It's terrifying.

After I lost Maddie, I read about how losing your child is considered the psychological equivilant of living through the Holocaust (that isn't a joke - it's defined that way in the DSM or whatever it's called). I understand why - it changes everything about the way we think.

Catherine W said...

Oh your new blog is absolutely lovely. Franchesca IS fabulous!

I'm so sorry you are feeling low. I know that I feel as though I am trying to juggle too many things and failing at them all. At work, at being a mother, at keeping a tidy house. And I take everything personally too! My only consolation is that I am doing the best that I can. You ARE a good wife and a good mom and a good teacher. The very fact you are worrying about whether you are or not kind of proves that you are!

Please try not to worry about Avery. It is so difficult. I think I have reached a point where I can balance my fears against my hopes. Although I know that nothing I do can really ensure Jessica's continued good health, I have to hope that she won't get sick or I know that I will drive myself completely round the twist with anxiety. As you say, life is tender and we know first hand how quickly it can end. But, in order to keep living a normal life, we have to hope that it won't?

I love the Little Prince, it is one of my favourite books. I have three copies (just in case I lose two?!) See you at the asteroid!

rebecca said...

Love your new look! I'm so sorry Avery has been so sick, hope that she begins feeling better soon.

Anonymous said...

I love the new blog!
Although for much different reasons, I'm there with ya in the insomnia boat, for about 4 long weeks now. I feel like sleep is more of a battle than rest. And guess what happens when I'm sleep-deprived? I get moodier and more emotional! Just what we all need, right?

Megan said...

Love the new look! And I left you a blogger award:

Holly said...

Love the new look! Franchesca does a great job! I'm sorry you are so overwhelmed right now. You are normal for worrying about Avery. I think moms who have loss tend to worry a little more than the avg nonloss mom.

And I have read the little prince! I read it in french in French class in high school. :)

With Out My Punkin said...

I love the new look. I still wake up in the middle of the night and look at the monitor sometime run to her room and make sure she is breathing... I wish that wasn't normal for us... I hope that A is better, it sucks when they are sick. A thought, maybe half ass swaddle her at night esp now that she is teething? Or is she doing better. ((hugs))