Friday, January 28, 2011

Days

There are days, when, I can think that I'm ok.
That I'm maybe, even (shhhhh!) better than ok.

That I'm good.

That we continue to move forward and look forward and spend less than thinking back.

Ya know, to then.

Then there are days when I scream "BUT MY BABIES DIED!!!!!!!!!!!"

I might be sitting in a meeting or in the middle of teaching a class and I'll think "I'm here today, but I shouldn't be, because you see-Aiden and Sophie are dead. And they are not EVER coming back. Ever."

Sometimes, just that phrase, "Dead babies" will go through my head.

When things start to go "bad" (and I use this term lightly, because I know what bad really is, but you know-when you have a bad week or something) I feel like it brings my grief back into the forefront.

Well, I hit a car in the parking lot. But, my babies died (so it's worse).
I had strep throat so bad that I was throwing up the first day of a brand new semester. And Aiden and Sophie are dead (so it's worse).

I just wonder if this will ever change.

When I checked my blogs just before writing this, I felt an alarming feeling. I hadn't thought of Aiden and Sophie today. I mean, I had. Because I got an e-mail about the March of Dimes walk, and the secretary at school reminded me that her son is having twins, so I had thought of them. But not exclusively. I, for the first time, hadn't taken the time today to sit down and just let my mind wash over them. Their memory. Sophie's hand curling around my finger.

I'm scared.

I'm scared I'll stop remembering.

I'm scared that my life now is going to take them further away from me.

But then, they're already so far away, aren't they?

8 comments:

Michele said...

Honey, you'll never stop remembering. Ever.

And a piece of each of them courses through your veins, blood of your blood, spirit of your spirit. They'll always be with you.

New Year Mum said...

Dear Christy...
They will be with you forever and always in your heart
... I'm sure none of us will ever forget.
Sorry to hear about your little ones. Lovely to read your blog and to share a journey with inspirational mothers like you :)
Love always,
New Year Mum xo

Hope's Mama said...

I know what you mean.
Thinking of you and Aiden and Sophie.
xo

Catherine W said...

I think I know what you mean. I find that when small bad things happen to me, they feel overwhelming. Because G died AND this has happened?
Just to confuse myself, I sometimes have the opposite reaction. That G died SO this is nothing and I refuse to get upset about it.

I don't think you will stop remembering, Aiden and Sophie are part of you. xo

Marie W said...

I feel the same way :-(. I am afraid I will forget them. Even with this pregnancy I find myself saying "I didn't think about them enough today." Big {HUGS}.

Holly said...

Oh Christy, you'll never stop remembering them. Ever!!! I def have days when I don't stop and think of Carleigh, but she's always on the edge of my thoughts.

AKD said...

I agree with everyone else. While they may not be at the forefront of your mind, they're always there. I used to kick myself if I didn't cry when talking to Maddie in the morning - but I have realized it's okay, she still knows I cherish and adore her.

Love to you, C.

Christy said...

Christy--I'm glad you have your "better than good" days. You should--you deserve it. I'm sorry you feel guilty for the days that those thoughts are further back in your mind. You're right--they are always there, just sometimes more distant than others. I don't know why that's not okay. I feel guilty, too, sometimes. But we should all know it's okay to be happy. Having sadness in your heart is part of who we are, though. I don't think you will ever forget them. There is no possible way. They are a part of you. But I know how you feel.
xoxo