Sunday, February 13, 2011

If it were anyone else...

When Aiden and Sophie died, she...

*sent flowers
*brought me a plaque with their name on it and a necklace
*bought me jewelry with their name on it
*made me leave the house
* sat with me in the house
*asked questions
*cried with me
*looked at their pictures and told me they were beautiful
*said to me, "I'm sorry. This sucks."
*asked if a conversation was hurting me so she could stop if it was
*raised over $300 for the walk and walked with me in the cold and rain
*called on their birthday
*asks about them TODAY and by name
*so, so much more

If it were anyone else, the second I heard "Twins" and "boy and a girl" I would have been GONE. I would've never spoken to her again. I would've run away.

But I couldn't. I wanted to---

So I went, and had coffee with her. I brought A, to help.

It was good. She cried first and just said she wished there was anything she could do to not hurt me. Then, we talked about everything else-our jobs, our husbands, TV, all the stuff we normally would. And it felt good. And I had missed her.

And I said, "I don't want you to hold back your happiness. I am happy for you"

And do you know what she said, you guys?

Seriously-if everyone we know could just GET this-

"Honey, I am happy. But I can have a MILLION moments of happiness, and there are plenty of people to talk to about twins and how amazing it is-but I don't need that happiness RIGHT now. I can get it other times. I can talk about it whenever. And with people who it won't hurt."

I mean, how lucky am I?

Those of us going through infertility, loss, all of that. There's that attitude out there-don't expect other people to stifle their happiness with their pregnancy. Don't expect them to not talk about it with you-you are the bad guy if you can't handle it.

But doesn't her thought make so much sense? She can get that anywhere else, all day long.

Why her? Why her? Why her?

I guess I won't know. But if it were anyone BUT her-I'd be long gone.

Thanks for your well wishes-I did it, and I'm so glad I did, and I know that was FAR from the hardest thing to come(I told her I can't come to the hospital-she understood-and I told her I need to see them the first time with no one else so that I can cry-and she said she'd be crying with me).

Thank goodness for great friends. :)


rebecca said...

She sounds incredible and what she said is SO true, I wish other people understood that! I'm so glad it went well and she was able to be sensitive to you and you were able to enjoy your time together.

Jessica said...

What an amazing friend you have! It sounds like she understands you very well and how you feel. It is rare to find someone who "gets it" that well.

New Year Mum said...

She sounds like a beautifully compassionate and sensitive friend... someone who truly understands and can say what she said is a rare gem. You were very brave... I would have found meeting almost impossible. Thinking of you xo

Catherine W said...

What a truly amazing friendship you two have. I'm so glad you met with her, you were very brave to do so xo

Michele said...

great friends are awesome. truly awesome

Ann said...

It sounds like you are both lucky to have each other. What a good friend she is to you to understand that this is hard. But it sounds like you are a good friend too. This was a huge step for you - a very difficult thing to do. You give me strength to do the same!

Deni said...

Wow that just really made me cry out loud! What an unbelieveable comment and unbridled awareness that is ever so rare! You are lucky, even though it hurts to have someone to love you enough to recognize that this is so hard for you, but doesn't have anything to do with her! I'm amazed!

Bree said...

she does sound like an amazing friend. you are an amazing friend, too. love you!

AKD said...

That just warmed my heart in a million ways. I am so glad you have such a friend - you deserve it, of all people.

Malory said...

You are very lucky to have a friend like her. My best friend bailed on me almost immediately. Whats worse she is also my cousin. Your friend sounds amazing.

Love's mom FOREVER said...

That is amazing that your friend was so understanding. It is hard for those who haven't been through it, but it sounds like she is on the right track. I know exactly how you feel. A friend of mine had a baby girl 2 days before I had mine. she still as her baby girl though, and I don't. I am keeping my distance, although she is one of my best friends. I recently mustered up the strength for the congratulatory phone call, but haven't been to see her yet. Hopefully soon...
I am glad your friend understands your struggles, as I hope my friend understands mine...

Holly said...

THAT is a friend worth keeping. ♥

Anonymous said...

What an awesome friend. It makes ME want to cry! She just plain loves you. Thank you for being strong and going to spend time with her.

paula said...

you are a lucky lady to have a friend like her. cherish her, i am sure you do. sending love your way.