Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Cleansing

Tonight we contacted the people from Craigslist that want to buy the baby furniture.  Hopefully, it will all be out of here by Saturday.  Then we can box up all the pregnancy/baby stuff, and it'll be done.  If only it were that easy...right?  I wish by being done with the pregnancy the pain would be done, but in actuality it seems to heighten.  Tonight I had a break down like I haven't had in weeks.  I can't handle to be around negativity, and I was, and it eats away at me and makes me feel like I'm stuck in a tiny, tiny room and just want to scream.  I feel so bitter and that hurts me-that's not who I am-or at least who I was.  My father-in-law passed away in November and my mother-in-law isn't handling it well.  Who can blame her, right?  Losing your husband would suck so bad.  But it's not just that...it's that there is something wrong with everything.  The grass is too green or not green enough.  Everyone is out to get you.  It makes me a CRAZY woman.  Honestly.  When there is something wrong, my response is, well, how can we fix it?  If you haven't tried to fix it, then STOP COMPLAINING about it!!!!!!!  Ugh.  If it's something you can't fix, then try to make peace with it.  I know that there is nothing I can do to "fix" what's wrong with me right now, and grief sucks, but it's all the other things that I can't handle.  
I played a little game today-I tried to think of ANY friend of mine that didn't have something painful going on in their life-and there were literally only like 2.  I just wish I knew why-----and trust me, I know that will never be answered.  There's no reason why this happened to me.  But it bothers me.  I want to learn and grow from it.  Perhaps someday I can think of the babies and smile instead of turn into a blubbering mess.  
Anyway, we went to look at the house tonight.  It is absolutely perfect, except for the yard.  Itis funny shaped, as in it's kind of got a hill and water seems to pool in it?  But the rest of it...the rest of it is so amazing and I would be so excited if we got it!  We are going to to put an offer in and put ours on the market, and wait and hopefully something will happen.  We know that they have already made an offer on another house, so we just need to sell ours and I just wish that was so easy!
Tonight I feel so down.  I feel like June will be a hard month for me-only because what would have/could have been.  I looked forward to June as the month I would be SO huge and having cankles and knowing the babies would be almost here.  I'd be nesting and making sure the nursery was perfect.  Instead, the baby furniture is on craigslist, and people are responding to the ad not with offers to purchase it, but wishing me well and sending their condolences and a lady even wrote me a poem.  I tell you, if prayers could take all this pain away...
So, here's to hoping that our house sells!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And that I can somehow make peace with getting rid of the furniture...

1 comments:

survivingbaby said...

I'm so sorry this is so hard for you right now. One of the hardest things that I had to do was pack up the boys things. I left up their cribs as long as I could but I finally knew that it was time to put them in the attic. You will get new furniture someday and soon you will be in a new house and then you will have a new baby when you are ready. I know that's not going to make you feel better because for me, I wanted the boys and I still want them, daily, even though I know they are gone. I can't say anything to make you feel better and I can't tell you it gets better. It's been over a year for me and I still cried in the shower this morning. All I can promise is that is does hurt a little less today then it did a month ago and that you are not alone.