Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I'm a list person

I am a list person.  At work I have separate to-do lists:  one for home, one for school, one for French club, and one for the committee I facilitate.  It makes me feel good to scratch off something that I've completed.  When I found out I was pregnant, I had lists everywhere.  Things to do before the first trimester's over.  Things to do once we found out the genders.  Things to do before we go to the hospital.  Obviously, I never got to finish all those lists.  My personality does not respond well to this-I hate leaving a list with things not checked off.  I found one of these lists today.  It was pretty straightforward:  get carseats installed, learn how to swaddle (this always has really confused me), pack hospital bag, write down important numbers to call, etc.  A part of me wanted to save this list and use it for the "next time."
Brian had a colleague from across the state call tonight and after she said she was "sorry" she asked, "So, will you have other kids?"
Um, excuse me?  Not even my VERY best, closest friends have asked me such a blunt question.  And really, would you assume that we've even decided that?  I mean, we know we want a family.  Oh my, do we ever want a family.  So bad that it literally aches.  But I just gave birth 3 weeks ago.  I'm still bleeding.  We are reeling from the grief that hit us out of nowhere.  So, to answer that question, I guess I'd say, "I hope so."
I was talking to a very good friend of mine today about how I had an instinct throughout my whole pregnancy that something was going to go wrong.  Clearly, I didn't foresee my babies dying.  But the entire time, I was nervous.  Too nervous.  Things went wrong, warning signs, that I brought up and was reassured that they were normal.  But I had a feeling deep down.  Even when I was just barely pregnant.  Each time I went to the doctor to hear a heartbeat.  Each ultrasound.  Every single time I used the bathroom I checked the toilet paper.  Never once in 24 weeks was there blood on the toilet paper.  I continued to check.
A week before my water broke, I passed my mucous plug.  I called the doctor.  They said they weren't too concerned, discharge changes and gets thicker, but well, I should probably put the number to labor and delivery in my cell phone.  
I went home and cried all night.  Even then, I knew something was wrong.
When my water broke, I knew it was over.  I prayed the whole 2 weeks I was on bedrest, I thought all positive thoughts, I visualized putting babies in cribs in nurseries.  No matter what I did, no matter what anyone said, there was a nagging way, deep down.  It reminded me of what I had known since the beginning.  That the pressure I felt wasn't "round ligament stretching."  That the pressure I felt like the baby was down low wasn't normal.
My friend tonight told me that her biggest dream for me is that the "next time" I will know from the beginning that things will be perfect.  That I can spend every minute of that pregnancy knowing that I will have a living baby at the end of it.
So, being the list person that I am, I am going to make one right now.  This is a list of affirmations that I will look at and dream of and hope fore.  It is a list of what I hope for my life.  It is a short list; compiled of only one item.

1.  I will conceive and carry a baby to full term that I can love for the rest of my life.


Rachel said...

I found your blog recently and am your newest follower. That is on my list too. I pray all the time that I can have a full term pregnancy, as my body does not seem to want to keep a baby to term. Thank you for sharing so openly.