Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Rain

Today I grabbed my ipod and my sunglasses and took Louis for a really long walk.  I feel today like I'm going backwards in my grief journey.  I'm reading a book right now that reminded me that in reality it's a cycle-it's not linear.  Just because I had some good days doesn't mean they all will be!

Yesterday was such a bad day-I know that until I have a kid living here on Earth, Mother's Day is just another day.  I just let it get to me.  A few people actually said Happy Mother's Day to me-each time I heard it, I cried.  Thank you, thank you.  Some of my friends acknowledged that the day would be hard-which I appreciate-but I need for my babies to be acknowledged.  The more times I hear the names, the more times I can say their names, it validates their very existence.  I want to believe that I'm not the only ones that misses them, that understands they were here and that I loved them.  

Anyway, I'm on this walk and it's impossible to ignore the beauty of spring.  It's hard to be angry at the birds happily twirping and the lovely smell of fresh-cut grass.  You can't blame the sky for being so blue and making the clouds float lazily by.  I walk past houses and wonder-what has happened to this family, or this one.  Did they have a baby die?  A child?  Is someone sick in their family?  Did they just lose their job?  

I'd like to say it wasn't true, but I also get into the habit of thinking things like-their father probably caught the cancer in time.  Their babies probably made it in the NICU.  

This is all pretty much completely ridiculous.  BUT there is a point to why I'm writing this.

I'm walking down the street, trying not to let the waves of pain completely take me over, and a song comes on.  It's one of my favorite songs, but as I listen I wonder, have I ever really listened to the words before this very moment?

I don't think I had.  And it is so important for me to know, to remember, that I am not the only person to feel this pain.  If we didn't feel this pain, we wouldn't know why life was so beautiful. We wouldn't be so intrigued by Heaven-a place where we feel no pain-we aren't touched by tragedy-without pain that place would be no big deal, right?

I suppose it's fruitless to look for a reason why this happened-I know that I didn't do anything to deserve this personally-but sometimes the guilt is overwhelming.  This song, though-this song today reminded me that no one is free from this-perhaps some are free from this particular situation, but if not this, it's something else.  In the meantime, I need to be gentle with myself and let myself be loved and cared for.  

The song is by the group Third Day.  Here are the lyrics:


When the rain comes you think that everyone has gone away 

When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't find someplace 

To run and hide 

Escape the pain 

But hiding's such a lonely thing to do 


I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again 

I can't stop the rain, but i will hold you till it goes away 


When the rain comes you blame it on the things that you have done 

When the storm fades you know the rain has fall'n on everyone 

So rest a while 

It will be alright 

No one loves you like i do 


I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again 

I can't stop the rain, but i will hold you, 

I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again 

I can't stop the rain, but i will hold you till it goes away