Well, another birthday has come and gone. This one was sort of bittersweet. I had a really good day---but hanging over our heads is that horrible "this is not what you should be doing." I should be huge, with swollen ankles, not sleeping at night and having cravings. I should be spending nights in the nursery listening to soft music and reading to those babies in my belly-instead of selling off the beautiful furniture for someone else's baby to enjoy.
28. I guess that's a pretty good age--but I am pretty sure I feel a lot older than that. I feel such a big separation from some of my friends-I find myself gravitating towards the friends that are older than me, more mature, with more life experience. I all of the sudden feel this giant divide between me and some of my friends that are younger than me. I'm afraid to lose friendships because I'm keeping to myself. I guess those are the breaks, right?
Grief sucks was my status message this weekend on facebook-that pretty much sums it up. When we were cleaning out the nursery/baby stuff this weekend, getting ready for potential house showings, Brian started to lose it-and firmly, I ordered him, "Don't." I half-screamed it.
I re-played that moment in my head over and over again. How horrible is that? Brian, my amazing husband. He has let me cry a million times in the past 7 weeks. He has smoothed my hair and rubbed my back and dried my tears. He has held me and rocked me and reassured me and protected me. In all this this, he has only had a few of these moments-and I DARE take that away from him? I felt so horrible, so guilty. Who am I to rob him of his grief? I'm afraid now that he'll try even harder to hold it in. All that was going through my head was, "If he cries, I will break down, and we will never get through this. I just have to get through this."
Notice, all the I's and Me's in that sentence. How selfish! I am so selfish.
I think is probably too personal for a blog on the internets, but I'm in need of that babylost mama community reassurance on this one. We had sex for the first time since the babies died this weekend. I really wanted to-I was afraid, mostly that it would hurt, but it really didn't. It felt nice, comforting...but so, so wrong. I had to hide in the bathroom after so I could sob. Gut wrenching sobs. I couldn't fool DH about this-he was on to me. But really-when the one thing you want in this world-a want that is SO deep, so real, so raw and comes along with so much pain-is a baby-it feels so completely wrong to strap on a stupid condom. It felt horrible. It re-broke my heart all over again, I swear. For a year and a half, we had TTC sex. In a certain position, at certain times, you all know the drill=lots of you WAY more than me-and so to do it just to do it-when it should feel so good-it just killed me. I so hope that I am not alone in this one. Again, super personal, so feel free to ignore and not comment!!! :) On a lighter note,
we put an offer in the house on Friday. We don't expect them to accept this one-but we're hoping they'll at least counter with something we can afford. The realtor came today to take pictures of our house-which is seriously, utterly, sparkly clean. I dare anyone to take a look in a drawer, in a closet, under a bed even!!! We took an entire van load to the goodwill, and threw away probably 6 full bags of junk. And we didn't even go through our clothes, or the storage area in the basement, although, it's pretty much consolidated.
Now we wait! The house gets listed tomorrow, we're having an open house on Sunday, and tomorrow is the deadline for the sellers to get back to us on our offer. Wish us luck!
Contrary to the title of this blog, I am a mother. I gave birth to boy/girl fraternal twins who died shortly thereafter due to exreme prematurity and infection after a premature rupture of membranes. I am blogging my way through this journey that I wish I didn't have to take.