Sunday, May 31, 2009

Birthday Weekend

Well, another birthday has come and gone.  This one was sort of bittersweet.  I had a really good day---but hanging over our heads is that horrible "this is not what you should be doing."  I should be huge, with swollen ankles, not sleeping at night and having cravings.  I should be spending nights in the nursery listening to soft music and reading to those babies in my belly-instead of selling off the beautiful furniture for someone else's baby to enjoy.
28.  I guess that's a pretty good age--but I am pretty sure I feel a lot older than that.  I feel such a big separation from some of my friends-I find myself gravitating towards the friends that are older than me, more mature, with more life experience.  I all of the sudden feel this giant divide between me and some of my friends that are younger than me.  I'm afraid to lose friendships because I'm keeping to myself.  I guess those are the breaks, right?
Grief sucks was my status message this weekend on facebook-that pretty much sums it up.  When we were cleaning out the nursery/baby stuff this weekend, getting ready for potential house showings, Brian started to lose it-and firmly, I ordered him, "Don't."  I half-screamed it.
I re-played that moment in my head over and over again.  How horrible is that?  Brian, my amazing husband.  He has let me cry a million times in the past 7 weeks.  He has smoothed my hair and rubbed my back and dried my tears.  He has held me and rocked me and reassured me and protected me.  In all this this, he has only had a few of these moments-and I DARE take that away from him?  I felt so horrible, so guilty.  Who am I to rob him of his grief?  I'm afraid now that he'll try even harder to hold it in.  All that was going through my head was, "If he cries, I will break down, and we will never get through this.  I just have to get through this."
Notice, all the I's and Me's in that sentence.  How selfish!  I am so selfish.
I think is probably too personal for a blog on the internets, but I'm in need of that babylost mama community reassurance on this one.  We had sex for the first time since the babies died this weekend.  I really wanted to-I was afraid, mostly that it would hurt, but it really didn't.  It felt nice, comforting...but so, so wrong.  I had to hide in the bathroom after so I could sob.  Gut wrenching sobs.  I couldn't fool DH about this-he was on to me.  But really-when the one thing you want in this world-a want that is SO deep, so real, so raw and comes along with so much pain-is a baby-it feels so completely wrong to strap on a stupid condom.  It felt horrible.  It re-broke my heart all over again, I swear.  For a year and a half, we had TTC sex.  In a certain position, at certain times, you all know the drill=lots of you WAY more than me-and so to do it just to do it-when it should feel so good-it just killed me.  I so hope that I am not alone in this one.  Again, super personal, so feel free to ignore and not comment!!!  :)  On a lighter note,
we put an offer in the house on Friday.  We don't expect them to accept this one-but we're hoping they'll at least counter with something we can afford.  The realtor came today to take pictures of our house-which is seriously, utterly, sparkly clean.  I dare anyone to take a look in a drawer, in a closet, under a bed even!!!  We took an entire van load to the goodwill, and threw away probably 6 full bags of junk.  And we didn't even go through our clothes, or the storage area in the basement, although, it's pretty much consolidated.
Now we wait!  The house gets listed tomorrow, we're having an open house on Sunday, and tomorrow is the deadline for the sellers to get back to us on our offer.  Wish us luck!


Krista said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. I am so sorry for your loss. I haven't had a chance to read your story yet, but plan to when I get some time. I would be happy to answer some questions for you - you can email me at

Bluebird said...

Ah, sweet girl. . . I've been building up the nerve to post about sex. It's such a strange, strange thing. We've had sex I think 3 times since the babies were born/ died in November? At first it was because of my health issues (felt silly to protect, like you said), then it really bothered me that we hadn't!, so we did. And now. . . ? Who knows. Chalk it up to another crazy side effect of baby loss, I suppose.

I'm so sorry you're having to walk this road. And happy belated birthday :)

anne cutler said...

I am Krista's mom and hope you don't mind that I am visiting your blog. I have a couple of suggestions for websites that we found helpful when Krista and Jason lost their twins. One was
"", founded by an Australian couple who lost a baby and have discovered a wonderful way to honor other babies.
Also, the website is for those who have lost multiples. They have some good articles that about how different is is to lose multiples, and lots of stories from others in your position.
You are not alone! We are thinking of you and keeping you in our hearts.
Anne and Tom in Indiana.

Anonymous said...

Anne-I tried responding to your comment, but I wasn't sure it worked-anyway, I just wanted to thank you so much for those links and of course I don't mind.