Sunday, June 7, 2009

It sneaks up on you

It is amazing how my life has changed but stayed the same.  I marvel at how I make it through a day, I smile, I laugh, and then at night I am left with me and my thoughts.  The thoughts of my sweet, sweet babies.
I think often of what it would be like now-if they were still safely inside of me, where they should be.  How the nursery would be all ready and we would be here, waiting, talking each day about what we'll do first, where we'll go someday on vacation.  It's sort of taken away our right to dream.  It feels so weird now to say, "When we have kids...." because we used to do that all the time, and now it's like, well, we did have kids....but they're not here.  So do you say "When we have more kids..."???  I mean, it's just another one of those things.
Thursday I met with some of my amazing friends.  They gave me the most beautiful statue-it's two angels, one boy and one girl.  I absolutely love it. I'll post a picture of it soon. It makes me feel SO happy that other people recognize the babies and that they miss them, too, and that they're looking out for me.  I always leave them on a high note.
I also found out that my best friend from work is finally getting her baby from Ethiopia.  I am SO happy for them.  At the same time, I think of what it could have been.  We would have had maternity leave at the same time.  We could have gone together to Target, all 3 kids tucked in my new mini-van that I'm bitter that we have.  My friends deserves this more than anyone I know-I'm not jealous of her.  Not in the way that I'm jealous of pregnant people that I don't know.  Or the crazy people on TV that have 22 kids.
We went to look at houses yesterday morning.  I was so excited-this is really the only thing I've got going on right now.  It's something for B and I to work on, to look forward to, to organize.  We went to one house that was for sale by owner, so they were there.  I walk in, and this lady is 8 months pregnant.  I think I can handle it.  We walk in the basement, and there it is. The nursery, completely furnished and decked out, just waiting for a brand new baby.
I started crying and had to leave the house.  I was so embarrassed.  Just like that, my good day is ruined.  I am empty, defeated.  I feel as though nothing I do is ok, nothing will ever be the same.  I hate this.
Then we went to visit my grandpa in the hospital.  He has two 100 % blockages in his heart, with a prior open heart surgery about 6 years ago.  I am terrified.  Friday night, his roomate at the hospital died while my grandpa was in the room.  He had to lay there, listening to this man while his heart stopped.  While, according to my grandpa, they administered CPR several times although he had his little "Do not resuscitate" purple bracelet on.  The worst part for me is, I cannot pray for my grandpa.  This hurts me.  I cannot pray because I don't think praying works.  It is because I have a warped view of prayer right now.  I know I will get past it.  But I am so jaded.  This hurts.
This morning we had an open house to try to sell the current house we were in.  It was really fun.  B and I, working together, like we always do. We make such a great team.  We would make such great parents.  We were walking through the store today, and there was a bin of $5 little plastic tugboats.  His eyes lit up.  "I would've loved this when I was a kid!"  I laughed, because he totally would buy this now if he thought he could get away with it.  One of my favorite things to do with my husband (yes, we are 30 years old) is for him to pull out all his legos, and I grab my coloring books and huge box of 96 crayons.  We put on music and sit in the basement in silence, playing like we are little kids.  So innocent.  This is too hard to do now.  We've had to grow up too fast.  We've had to plan a funeral and we have our children in tiny little ceramic urns.  We are tired, and weathered.  
But we are making it!  We are surviving.


Anonymous said...

You are finding little bits of joy to hold on to every day. And you appreciate and love your husband. You're doing everything right. Keep taking your time, it's ok to be angry and jaded.

Bluebird said...

What a sweet post :) I hope you're able to still find some joy coloring and playing legos. Everything has changed, though, I know. I often say "when we have living babies" - which just irritates B to no end :) He thinks I'm crude, I think - I'm just trying to find a way to say what I mean! ((Hugs))

Catherine W said...

The picture of you and your husband sitting doing legos and coloring is a beautiful one. It brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful relationship you have. Life is so terribly unfair. I wish that I could protect anyone from having to go through the experience of losing a child or children.

I'm so sorry to hear that your grandpa is in hospital.

I can't pray anymore either. I still try but I don't feel like anyone is listening. Perhaps we'll both get back there given time.

You are surviving. Hang on in there xxx