It's so amazing the road that your emotions can take while you are grieving. The end of this week was awful for me-I was looking at the months ahead, terrified, mad that this summer wouldn't be what it was supposed to be, angry and upset that they rejected the offer me made on the new house, angry with some of my friends for ignoring me (kate, this is not you!!! :)).
Thursday night I told Brian I thought we should paint the nursery back to white-the "dancing green" color made me so sad, and even if we are still in this house when we have another baby, I will be picking a whole new theme for the nursery. So we went and got paint and dove right in. It feels so good to do physical labor. The hurt of it is good! Then on Friday, we decided to take the day and do our favorite things-but we didn't have a place for the doggie so we were limited to 8 hours. So, we hopped on the interstate, went to the SWAP, stopped at a bookstore, went to Ho-chunk for a little while, and then came right back. I was still sad, even after our favorite things, but it was getting better. Then came the phone call-we had as showing scheduled for our house! Woot! We were so excited. So we cleaned the house and got all ready. Saturday morning we went to look at more houses, had a picnic lunch overlooking the mississippi river, did yardwork, washed the cars, grilled out a lovely dinner (first corn on the cob of the summer!) and went for a really long walk. I felt myself healing. Today we had another open house (only 2 people, though, not as great as last week-but it only takes one!!!) and I'm settling in to play my new sims game :)
Today I feel hope. Today I feel joy. I feel renewed in the fact that it is summer, so tomorrow Brian doesn't have to get up and leave for work with me left behind here. That anxiety is washed away.
We have an appt together with the grief counselor this week, a doggie haircut, an oil change, and an eye doctor. We need to get groceries, we need to send some birthday cards.
We are keeping up with life. It is SO not the same, but we are keeping up. We are finding joy.
It is such a swing back and forth-from so, so low to doing ok, to remembering that we love each other and that someday it won't hurt this much.
Contrary to the title of this blog, I am a mother. I gave birth to boy/girl fraternal twins who died shortly thereafter due to exreme prematurity and infection after a premature rupture of membranes. I am blogging my way through this journey that I wish I didn't have to take.