Saturday, June 27, 2009

A Dark One

I've been away this week-catching up with friends, doing "normal" things, seeing my family.  It is an act.  I feel like I was speeding, going as fast as I could-only to have it build, build, build.  I just know when we get back that I am going to have a total. breakdown.
I can't believe I have two dead babies.
I can't believe the emptiness of this summer-but the anxiety I feel to go back to work.  I can't believe that for the rest of my life, I will be living with my angels by my side-up in Heaven, when they should be here.
I can't believe that in a span of 8 hours, I had to tell doctors it was ok to take my sweet babies off life support TWICE.  I can't believe I watched them take their little last gasps for air, while I held on to them for dear life.  That they weighed almost 2 pounds and looked like Brian but had my nose.  That they had little fuzzy heads with hair.
That it's been 11 weeks tomorrow.
I can't believe I was almost there.  Almost a mother to babies on earth.
I feel like I am falling apart at the seams most times.  I hate that people don't understand me anymore.  I hate when people wish me "Have a nice summer."  You have to be kidding me.
We are selling our house because of the demons!  Not because of something to do, but because of the room that used to be a nursery and because each night when I go to bed I relive my water breaking, knowing that all my hopes and dreams were flooding out of me with my waters.
I need a release-blogging is mine.
I'm sorry you have to read this.
I will post another one when I'm feeling better about the things we did this week.
Don't worry; we're surviving.


Nan and Mike said...

Ofcourse you feel like this, the wounds are still very fresh. I have these times also, I wish I had the magic wand to make you feel better, if I find it I will share. Im going to email you something shortly.
Hugs for some comfort, xo Nan

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. My heart just breaks for you. You are surviving the most horrific experience I could image. You're in my thoughts and prayers. It's ok to scream and rant, you are doing just what you need to do.

Just Breathe said...

I will never stop reading your posts. You say everything you need to say, I will always listen. I would be honored to send you one of my handkerchiefs from my other blog spot:
My email is if you want to send me your name & address. I am so sorry for the pain you must endure. god Bless.

Catherine W said...

Hugs to you Christy. You really don't have to apologise for posting dark thoughts.
I've certainly had that feeling of building myself up, my thoughts racing and then suddenly crashing down again. It's a horrible cycle to be in.
I honestly can't imagine those eight hours. I'm so terribly sorry.xx

Bluebird said...

Sometimes surviving is all you can ask for. That is a huge accomplishment in and of itself, don't forget that for one minute.

It's a lot of work, faking it. I know. And there will almost always be a crash after. But hopefully, with time, the crash will be a little less forceful and a little less painful. It will never be okay, but it *will* get better.