So. I know that this makes the people that are actually at work groan and say, "Um, try being there" but I SO SO SO need this school to be over. I can't take the days home alone anymore. I have to stay here because we have no extra money, and I just have all day to grieve-which it's great that I have that chance, but I just need my husband.
At the exact same time, this school being over is so sickening and heartbreaking because it really means that this is over. The pregnancy is over. Now, I know what you're thinking...Hello, your pregnancy has been over for 8 weeks...but it's about milestones. From the day I found out I was pregnant with twins, I thought over and over about the last day of this school year. How happy I would be-I'd be done with work for 6 months, and when I came back again, I'd be a mommy!!! I thought about coming in in the summer with the babies for everyone to dote over (is that a real word?). I knew I'd be miserable, too-huge and uncomfortable. I envisioned myself teaching from a stool, laughing with the kids about my waddle and why I was too tired to be my normal self. Obviously, none of that happened, and it's likely that it never, ever will.
I'm beginning to HATE this house. The stupid room that used to be the nursery kind of haunts me. We have two gliders that still didn't sell on craigslist in with the twin bed that we bought to make a mini "guest room" for the people staying the night to help out or visit the babies. I drive around in the minivan we bought.
We didn't get the house that we wanted. The people seem to be really shady. Apparently on Sunday when we had our open house, the owners came through to make their own decisions about OUR house. So they rejected our offer and their realtor told our realtor that they thought our house was overpriced. Um, ok? And they also thought we lied about when our house was built. SERIOUSLY? There is documentation of that kind of stuff. It was builty in 2003 and they think it was built in 1991. HAHAHAHAHA. Hilarious. We were the first people to live here and we have done SO many improvements to this house. So we should have been leaving for France on Monday but we canceled it to concentrate on this house, and yeah. Because of a difference of 2,000 bucks and some jerky people, 3 months of NOTHING planned (when it should have been THE most life-changing summer) stares me in the face. Pretty daunting, I tell you.
So now we don't know what to do. I just sat and cried and cried and cried today. I know some people reading this might worry about how dark and deep it is and if Im' ok-but honestly, I can't sugar coat. It's got to be impossible to imagine the anger and the jealousy that I'd feel when I'm typically not like that. Trust me, I hate it, too. I hate the anger that I feel. I certainly don't like the jealousy. The longing that I feel when I go out and EVERYwhere I go I see pregnant women and little babies in strollers.
I just had a really, really bad day. And those days seem a million times worse when you're already in such a bad place, ya know?
Contrary to the title of this blog, I am a mother. I gave birth to boy/girl fraternal twins who died shortly thereafter due to exreme prematurity and infection after a premature rupture of membranes. I am blogging my way through this journey that I wish I didn't have to take.