Wednesday, May 13, 2009

One month

Dear Aiden and Sophie,

It is almost impossible to believe that it's been one month since you were born, and one month since you left us.  I miss you both so, so much.  More than you could ever imagine.
This past weekend was mother's day.  I had so many dreams of this day.  Perhaps not this particular one, but of the ones in the future.  Of Daddy taking you to pick out a card and flowers and having breakfast in bed.  Of you bringing home beautiful things that you made in school-you know, lovely, artistic things :)  I know that you are up in Heaven, doing those lovely things for your Great-grandmas instead of for me.  

I want you to know how much your Daddy and I love you.  We will love you always, always.  We wish so desperately that you were here with us-it seems so unfair and so cruel that you couldn't stay.  It hurts me so much that I can't even stand it some days.  I'm trying really hard to keep moving forward, to keep smiling and laughing so that you'll be proud of me.  Some days I just don't find much to be funny!!! (except justin timberlake on snl-seriously, that guy is hilarious).  I want you to know that I wanted so badly to be your mother.  You were so, so wanted.  We were ready for you.  Ready to be parents.  Ready to give up staying up late, and sleeping in.  Ready to push work aside for what is more important.  Ready to read books to you every single night and sing songs and teach you French.  Ready to take long, annoying trips in our new mini-van so that you could hang out with grandmas.  Ready for you to fight with each other, ruin the nice things in our house, scream, kick-whatever.  We were ready for sleepless nights and sucking boogers out of your noses.
But you had other plans, I suppose.  You wanted to go straight to Heaven where maybe you could watch over us.  I wish you could have stayed.
I miss you so, so much.  I love you and your daddy loves you, too.  Please know this.  All of your family misses you so much and wishes they could have met you.  They all agree at how equally handsome and beautiful you were.  Sophie, I still am sorry that you got my nose! At least they'll recognize you as a Furman up there :)  We have such great friends that were looking so forward to meeting you.  They all wanted to baby-sit and take you out to fun places to play.  They miss you, too.

I think of you so often.  I'm so proud of you for trying to stay here as long as you could.  I'm so sorry that I couldn't keep you safe.  I'm so sorry that my body didn't protect you like it should have.  I'm sorry that my body failed us.  I'm sorry that you aren't here with me like you should be.  I'm so, so sorry.

I love you Sophie and Aiden!


sweetsalty kate said...

Oh Christy, so much love to you. I just saw you on the discussion board at Glow and I'm just so heartened that you found us. You think we're such a support for you.. but you know, the addition of your voice helps others too. This is you giving us just as much as what you may feel you get.

I'm just so sorry about the gain and loss of Sophie and Aiden. At this point there's not a whole lot I can say other than 'I'm here', and a whole host of mamas who understand you, too.

Just be in this place. Don't succumb to the pressure of having to be the tidy version that the world expects. You have a legion of sisters who know how it feels to walk around with these tingling missing limbs. How strange and eye-opening and enraging and sad and longing and all of it cranked up to the highest possible volume, inside your head, all at the same time.

Love. Just quiet and knowing love to you. So much. xo

Sophie said...

Christy, I saw your post over at Glow and followed the link back to here.

Firstly. I am so sorry about Aiden and Sophie. It is such a devastating loss.

Secondly I understand your decision to start a new blog, away from family. Mine too, think it's too dark and they probably think I am not coping too well at all. Initially I thought it was a good way for them to understand what I was going through but unfortunately, a year on from my loss, they are still awkward about it. They don't talk about it, they don't talk about my little girl and unbelievably, they don't 'get it'. I think you've done the right thing. The babylost community will get it and we are here to support you.

The blogging had helped me tremendously. I hope it is the same for you.

Sophie said...

And you are most certainly A MOTHER! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Catherine W said...

Hello Christy,
I'm also here from Glow In The Woods. I am so terribly, terribly sorry.

Thank you so much for sharing your blog and the beautiful (and handsome) photographs of Sophie and Aiden. Such perfect little ones. I can tell how cherished they were, how wanted they were, how ready you were for them, through your writing. Life can be so horribly unfair.

I don't have the words but I am here, listening to you. And so sadly, Kate is right. We are legion.

Love to you and to you sweet Sophie and Aiden.

Anonymous said...

Christy - what a beautiful letter to your sweet babies. I saw that you had dropped by my blog, thank you for saying hello. I am so sorry that you lost Aidan and Sophie. There is really nothing I can say right now except that we are all here for you. I am so sorry.

-Rebuilding Myself

-clevergirl said...

I am so sorry you had to deal with such a rude woman in the hospital. I think I would of either cussed her out or started bawling. People can be so incredibly insensitive. **HUG** Nice to meet you, fellow angel mommy, I am so sorry your babies are not here with you where they belong.