Friday, May 1, 2009

I promise I don't really hate..

It recently occurred to me that a lot of you might still be reading this.  I want to tell you that 1) I love all of you  2) I don't really hate anyone and 3) you can totally comment on any posts I make or even ask me questions-I'm totally willing to answer them!
  I hate feeling this bitterness/jealousy that I do towards people but it's awfully short term, like a ping, and then it's gone.  I can still smile when I see a new baby or a pregnant person, and while it makes me feel so much pain as well for what I've lost, I don't wish this sadness on anyone!
Today I read my school email and there was an invitation to a baby shower-the one that my name should have been one.  It was so surreal to read it-like, where's my name?  Of course, they can't just not have the baby shower for the other people just because I don't get to have it!
The other thing that I'm afraid of is that my friends are going to be afraid to tell me good news, i.e. they are pregnant.  Of course, this is hard to hear.  But in NO WAY because I am not happy for you.  Of course I am!!!!!  I just am still sad for myself.  A good way to do this might be in an email, perhaps, so I can cry tears of happiness and sadness and then pull myself together to congratulate you :)
While I was in the hospital someone said to me, "Oh, honey, you're young.  There will be other pregnancies."
I know this was meant with kindness, but it tore me up.  I wanted this pregnancy.  I simply know that this was not God's plan for me-and while I don't have to like it, I have to accept it.  I need to focus on figuring out how that can make me stronger, give me purpose, figure out how I can use it to make our life better and stronger.  I have two angels up in Heaven that are looking down on us and are anxious to give us a little brother or sister someday.  I have an AMAZING husband and wonderful friends, a great job, a beautiful house, an adorable puppy and lots and lots and lots of things to be thankful for.  There is NO reason why this happened to me-there's person that deserves this.  However, it did happen, and we are going to power through. We're going to use this to give our lives purpose.  We are going to live for our tiny sweet little babies.