Thursday, April 30, 2009

Could I have a comment card?

So, I often find myself, out of nowhere, just bursting into tears.  It'll take one flash of memory, or to see something or think of someone, and that strange, horrible sound comes and I realize I'm making it.  During these times, I'm also usually saying "It's not fair."  Well, it's not, but who am I actually complaining to?  I"m thinking there's no comment card that I could fill out talking about my problems with life at this current time.
I spend my days reading blogs of people who have stories like mine, or kind of like mine. They are heartbreaking, horrible stories.  I read them with dry eyes.  I am numb.  Before, if I read something like this, I would have cried for hours (I mean, really, I am a crier, let's admit that!).  But now, I read them and just think, Oh.  That sucks for them.  Just like it sucks for me.  
I don't want to be a member of this club.  It's one where they force membership on you.
I also have found a listserve for people who had PPROM, which is when your membrane (water) breaks early.  Some of the people have just lost babies like me, some of them are currently PAP (pregnant after prom-you have to admit that makes you chuckle), some of them are struggling/scared/don't know if they want to get pregnant, and some of them have had more that one PPROM.  I check my email very often.  Every time I see one from the list, I get super excited.  I send the list 3 emails a day.  I tell them things that I am afraid to say out loud.  I tell them how terrible I feel about thinking some of the things I do.  I tell them that I'm sick of explaining, "My babies died."  Complete strangers, some from halfway across the world.  They , however, share something with me that bonds us.  I know they completely understand when I say things, and most likely have had the same exact experience.
I know most people in real life, unless they've read this blog, don't really get what happened to me.  I think it would be really hard to imagine birthing, seeing, holding, hugging, singing to, reading to, a tiny, tiny baby and then watching it die.  Twice.  I don't blame them.  But I know they don't get just how awful it is. How I am in this Hell that doesn't seem to have a way out.  That I feel so awful about myself-my horrible stretchmarks, the huge black rings below my eyes, my split ends and dry skin, the fact that I can't fit in any of my stupid clothes but wearing maternity clothes feel so fake.  I put them all away in a bin today, actually.  I see them and it's one more thing I don't have anymore.  I was so frickin excited to buy those damn maternity clothes.  As a person who always struggles with weight, I didn't have to "suck it in" anymore.  I felt beautiful for the first time in my entire life (outside-wise).  I would walk around, people would catch my eye and smile at me.  That look that said, you are about to experience something amazing.  I walked with my head high and my stomach out and hard and I loved every second of it.  After my water broke, when we were driving to the hospital, I reached down and felt my stomach.  It had already deflated, it felt soft on half.  This was when I knew that things were NOT going to be ok.
And they're so, so not.


margaret said...

I found your blog through Glow in the Woods and I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your beautiful babies. I spent many of my early days numb too. It's like a protective shield on our emotions, I welcomed the numb and felt I couldn't cope when it subsided. I am now seven months out from the death of one of my twins and although it doesn't completely tear me apart everyday now, it certainly doesn't go away. My son is with me in thoughts every minute of every day. I hope you'll find support through the wonderful/horrible community of other babylost mothers here on the web. We may not share the same stories, but the pain is the same. Be gentle on yourself about the weight issues, now is the time to be kind to yourself. You've suffered a terrible, heartbreaking loss and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Sending you a hug...

Megan said...

I found your blog through Holly's blog. I am reading through it now, just as you read through other peoples blogs. I am reading and realizing that this really does happen to people and it really is awful. i am still waiting to wake up from my nightmare. It is not the same as your nightmare, or anyone else's, but it is similar i suppose. I'm sorry that you have had to feel this pain for even one second of your life. i've come to realize that pretty much no one says anything right to me and that there isn't really anything anyone can say anyway. people ask me "what can i do." all i ever want to tell them is "hand me my beautiful live healthy baby." because that is all i need.

Marie said...

I found your blog thru Debby at For Your Tears. I feel like I wrote your blog myself. I lost my girl/boy twins a month ago at 23 weeks. I cheated and jumped ahead and know you are pregnant again which is so encouraging for me.