There's nothing worse for me than crying in front of a doctor!
Anyway, he started out by telling me that they had sent my placenta to pathology and it was "very, very, very infected." It had the same bug that Sophie had (and probably Aiden, too, but I didn't ask). He then added, "If this were in the old days, you would have died."
Hmmmm. I'm not sure if it's supposed to make me feel better, or what? But ok.
He said that he's sure that the infection caused my water to break, though he can't prove it. I asked if having an infection like this gives me a higher chance of having another one next time I'm pregnant, and he said actually I have a lower chance of getting one. So that made me feel better, though I'm not totally convinced. I asked if he'd be my doctor again, next time, and he said he would. I was sort of just asking if I would be high risk, but he took it as me asking him...like would he be my doctor, please? It was cute. I really like him and I trust him. It doesn't make me any less terrified to get pregnant again someday, but it helps. And I want a family, darn it!
He also said he won't release me back to work for at least 6 weeks, which puts me pretty close to the end of the school year-close enough where it's not really worth me going back. This is a huge relief at one end, and sort of scary at the other. I know I need this time to take care of myself, but I clearly cannot lay in bed and read the internet for much more time or I will turn into part of the bed. I need to get some projects. I wish I had the motivation. Grief is hard to understand, and everyone tells me just to do what feels right. At the support group we went to, a girl that is about 3 months out from her loss told me that the fog will lift. I just have to trust that!
I know I've been keeping myself to myself and if you're reading this, you're one of my dear friends, and I love you and I will be reaching out to you soon. Promise. Just need some time to feel this through on my own.