Lately, though, the only thing I can do to distract myself is to read-I read blogs of people who are babylost like me, I read message boards about stories similar to mine, I read how in time, I won't be in this much pain.
Lately, though, I've been concerned about bleeding. My "lochia" (big fancy word for all the crap that comes out of you after you deliver) has stayed bright red, and it's over 2 weeks later, and according to SEVERAL very trusted sites (hello, about.com!) it was time to perhaps tell your doctor. So this morning I was sitting here and felt something weird....ya know, down there...and, well, I was a little freaked out. So I got up to go to the bathroom, and there was a LOT of blood. Wayyyy more than normal. So I thought to myself, I'm going to take a shower, then I am calling my doctor. Well, I get into the shower, and the blood (sorry to be so gory) literally starts gushing out of me. So disgusting, but moreso, pretty freaky. Of course, I've already looked up "bright red lochia postpartum" and have read that you can totally hemorrhage and then have an infection which could lead to a hysterectomy. So, I'm a huge mess, somehow I call Brian who races home from school to take me to the ER.
We hate the ER. Mainly, because of the little triage room, where there are horrible, vivid memories of Brian's dad sitting in there when he was finally fed up with the VA and how they were treating his cancer and decided to switch to Gundersen.
Anyway, we were at the ER forever. It turns out in the end, my uterus just isn't getting small as quickly as it should, so it's bleeding. I got some pills to make the bleeding stop.
What gets me is that I think I need to wear a giant sign on my forehead that says "MY BABIES DIED." Can they workers simply not look in my chart/file that's on every single computer to see my situation? I can't tell you how many times today I was asked how my baby was/was I breast feeding/am I getting enough sleep. One doctor, after I told them that my babies died, he asked me "How long did they live?"
Um, EXCUSE ME?
Do I need to answer that question.
Overall, I think the worst part of today was that I needed an ultrasound to make sure I hadn't retained pieces of my placenta. I freaking HATE the ultrasound room. I HATE the pregnant people. I HATE that I can hear little tiny babies crying and they are not mine.
I hate that the u/s tech was one my student's moms.
I hate today.