Tuesday, May 19, 2009

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So, after my dr appt yesterday, I was put back on birth control to try to get my cycles going again.  I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome, which means a lot of things, but the main impact it has for me is that I don't seem to ovulate on my own, at least regularly.  Sometimes, though, getting pregnant and staying pregnant can change some of the symptoms.  So, I'm trying to figure out if perhaps anything has changed, so I bought some ovulation predictor tests, just to get my bearings.  That way when we do decide to try to conceive again, I will have an idea of what's going on. 
Anyway, today I was at Walmart buying these OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) and the girl at the checkout line scans it and says, "Whoa, these are expensive."  I tensed up, thinking-um, ok, you're not supposed to really comment on my purchases.  Then, she went ahead and did it.  The question that was asked to me, point blank, that I really thought I wouldn't have to answer for a while.
"If you don't mind me asking, do you have any other kids?"
Somehow I smiled politely and said, "No, I don't."
I paid, walked to my van, and subsequently had a complete break down in my van in the parking lot. It's really hard to describe the feelings that this question brings about.  I mean, it is a lie to say that I don't have kids-but my kids are not living-and so it seems to me a lot easier to just say "none" unless I want to tell the whole story to the clerk at the walmart.  Not worth it.  
I guess I just wasn't ready for this.  I guess it's good to get all these firsts over with.  I guess it just makes me realize that this is something that is going to be a silent sadness-one that is going to go unspoken. One that I will deal with each day, silently, and keep moving on.  
In other news, I got a referral for a therapist yesterday.  I guess to me this is not such a big deal-I've always kind of thought about going for the issues I have/had with my father, anyway.  I'd imagine it'll be a good thing all around if I can find someone I trust.
And in other, other news we are going to the bank tonight to see if we can afford the new house that we found that we both instantly fell in love with and really, really, really want.  I don't know if it's going to work out.  We'd also, well, have to sell our house, which would mean everything would have to work out just so.  I have a friend who just sold her house in 8 days, so maybe??  I suppose in everything in life, except for having my babies die, I would typically just say, if it's meant to be, it will be.
Humph.
Well, I'm off to the bank to see if we are rich enough!  :)

1 comments:

survivingbaby said...

Hey, you stopped by to comment on my blog. I'm so sorry that you are my people. You mentioned that you are showing the house to the realtor and are worried about the nursery. On Mother's Day last year, the month after I delivered the boys, we moved into our new house. I made my husband take the baby things over first because I couldn't stand the thought of some stranger touching their things. One of the movers, who was about 18, opened up the "nursery" where all the things were and said, "oh, you have a baby! I wish you a Happy Mother's day!" He was trying to be so sweet. I just lost it. I started sobbing that deep, heaving sob - I know you know it - and he was so upset once I explained about the boys. He looked at me as he was leaving and said, "I still want you to have a Happy Mother's Day. You are their mom and they were obviously loved." I've learned that while some people are totally awful and insensitive (aka Walmart clerk), others, if given the chance, will surprise you with their compassion. I'm here if you need me.