Sunday, May 3, 2009


I know that you can't run away from grief.  There's no escaping it.  But I also know that sometimes I just need to distract myself from it!
I've had a pretty good weekend, overall.  I'm crying less and less and each day brings a little more hope.  Brian's mom had a rummage sale this weekend and it was good to be out of the house and be around people.  We had an amazing talk with Brian's aunt.  Each time I really talk things out, it makes me feel a little sense of peace.  Mostly the only problem was that there were some really, really pregnant people that came.  This just makes me sad because Brian and I had all sorts of plans to hit rummage sales this spring to find baby stuff.  I know that we will do this someday, and that helps.
Also, we have found a new, quite random distraction.  We have been going to the casino!  :)  Don't worry, we make a really low spending limit and we only pay penny slots :)  It's just the excitement and all the people who don't know anything about us, and the fact that we're getting out of town and no one knows we were there.  We don't spend any more money than we would going to the movies, and if we started to, we'd stop (for those of you that really know my husband and his view on finances, you know this is so true).  We only play side by side, we hold hands, we people watch, we drink free diet coke :)
The distraction that I'm really hoping to gain is getting healthy.  I know this seems twisted, but since this all happened, I sort of felt like I wanted to punish my body. After 6 months of only drinking water, and eating healthy, and resting, I wanted to rebel against the body that let me down.  I just wanted diet coke and didn't want to take my vitamins and wanted to eat horrible junk food.  This is not that surprising, since I'm an emotional eater as it is.  But as I come out of this haze, I realize this is not the way to do it.  I need to take care of me in order to 1) help with grieving and 2) be ready to conceive again physically once we are ready emotionally.  Maybe I'll try to keep this updated with my progress to keep some accountability.  Hmmmm.
Love you all!