Decisions, Decisions

So, I have decided that I am not going to go back on birth control.  Because, seriously, when all you want is a baby, isn't that a little counterproductive?  I mean, I realize that we will have to use some kind of birth control until we've made it past the 6 month mark that the doctor gave us.

Then I did a little research on PCOS, which I supposedly have, and realized that they strongly urge you in most cases to not use hormonal birth control.  Ugh.

This got me thinking about the fact that I'm not even really all that sure that I have PCOS.  I mean, clearly there are some issues because we tried for a year and a half and all that time I maybe had 4 or 5 periods?  I've had issues with that every since I was a kid.  So yes, there are issues.  But the only "fertility" work I've had done were-the provera challenge where they give you progesterone for 10 days and if your period comes, at least things are sort of connected.  That worked.  I had an appt with a lady in the "women's health center" where after 5 minutes she told me I had PCOS, prescribed me with clomid.

I took one round at the lowest dosage, and hello, twins!

Then I had the premature rupture, due to ambiguous infection, or maybe the infection came after, and since I had the mysterious passing of the mucous plug the week before, maybe my cervix was opening but can it shut again?  SO CONFUSING.

So, what I think I'm saying is I'd like more tests or something.  I don't know.  I'm afraid to take clomid again.  I'm afraid to be pregnant with twins again.  Hell, I'm afraid to be pregnant again. Buy my, oh my, do I want to be!

I was SO SO SO SO proud of myself today.  We are thinking of selling the house and I was so worried about the nursery-it's just like it was the day the babies died-so while it's not totally decked out, there are indeed two cribs and two gliders and a changing table and it's all painted nice and pretty.  Anyway, the realtor came to do a market value and when he opened the door, he looked at me, and said "Are you just planning to have kids?" (which made me think, well, hell, at least I don't look so fat that people think I'm still really pregnant) and I said, with no tears, "We were 6 months pregnant and I went into premature labor and the babies didn't make it."  He said, "I'm sorry." and we moved on.  I have a feeling I might break down about it later, but for now, I'm proud of myself.

So, tonight we must decide if we want to put the house up for sale, and if we do should we maybe not go to France after all, and how we should move forward with this fertility stuff.  I mean, can you just like, call up the fertility department?  Do you need a referral?  So confusing.