Thursday, May 14, 2009

this is where I want to write the f word. Rant that you all should ignore but I MUST get this out. Then maybe delete.

I feel like I want to explode. I feel like 700 things are going through my head at the same time.  I'm typing as fast as I can to just get this out because
I'm so pissed off that someone would send me an invitation to their baby shower.  I have no right to be.  But do you really think I'm going to go?  I mean, seriously?  There is no way.  Not even a contemplation.  2 weeks ago she sends me a sympathy card for my babies and today a baby shower invitation?  Are you serious?  Oh, and let's email the staff 3 times in one week reminding them of the frickin baby shower that was originally planned for me, and now is for the person who had their baby a few months ago.  Um, can you TAKE MY FUCKING NAME OFF THE LIST PLEASE?  Is it that hard?  Is that too much too ask?
Oh, and while we're at it.  Seriously, if I see one more person put their status message on facebook "ugh,"
REALLY?  Care to discuss this?
The whole stupid thing about all of this is one month ago I was the same way.  I was so naive.  So ignorant.  I sent out that horrible "Guess what?  I'm pregnant!" email.  I wonder now if someone I sent that to had just had a miscarriage or is struggling to get pregnant.
But DAMN IT.  This sucks.  This sucks so, so bad and people are so damn insensitive.
I feel so forgotten.  Is it so hard to send a friend an email to tell you you're thinking of them?  Well, it is so hard, because your life is soooooooooo hard.  Really?  What if you had to walk past the urns of your babies on the way to your computer?  What if when you log in you see that your bookmarks, which used to be baby/pregnancy sites, are links to dead baby blogs and resources on grieving.   REally? Is it that hard to send me an email?  Ask me how I am?  Ask me if I want to get together?
Because, frankly, I do!  My husband working and I'm not, and what that means is days that last weeks and hours to think about my two babies who SHOULD BE IN MY BELLY not in a fucking urn.
I am so angry.  And lonely.  

But thankful for my husband.  And my puppy.  And my health.  But let's face it-I shouldn't really have to stop and think about what I'm thankful for.  I got totally ripped off.  Cheated.  And I'm pissed.  And when I'm not pissed, I'm sobbing.  Or weepy.

And then I think of my colleague who is dying of brain cancer.
Or the one whose 18 year old son is in a coma from a car accident in which alcohol was involved.
And dammit, I feel guilty.  Because maybe this makes me just as bad as the person who puts "got a speeding ticket today fuck my life".  

Ugh.  This so, so sucks.  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.


Catherine W said...

Oh Christy. I'm so sorry that this happened. I can't imagine how you must have felt to receive that baby shower invitation.

I was the same, so naive. But we weren't to know what would happen, we truly weren't.

You aren't forgotten here.

And you certainly aren't in the speeding ticket category. Some events are just terrible. I don't think that there is a dividing line, no 'this situation is worse than that one'. Many different scenarios fall in to the category of "as much as one human being can bear".