Birthday Weekend

Well, another birthday has come and gone.  This one was sort of bittersweet.  I had a really good day---but hanging over our heads is that horrible "this is not what you should be doing."  I should be huge, with swollen ankles, not sleeping at night and having cravings.  I should be spending nights in the nursery listening to soft music and reading to those babies in my belly-instead of selling off the beautiful furniture for someone else's baby to enjoy.

28.  I guess that's a pretty good age--but I am pretty sure I feel a lot older than that.  I feel such a big separation from some of my friends-I find myself gravitating towards the friends that are older than me, more mature, with more life experience.  I all of the sudden feel this giant divide between me and some of my friends that are younger than me.  I'm afraid to lose friendships because I'm keeping to myself.  I guess those are the breaks, right?

Grief sucks was my status message this weekend on facebook-that pretty much sums it up.  When we were cleaning out the nursery/baby stuff this weekend, getting ready for potential house showings, Brian started to lose it-and firmly, I ordered him, "Don't."  I half-screamed it.

I re-played that moment in my head over and over again.  How horrible is that?  Brian, my amazing husband.  He has let me cry a million times in the past 7 weeks.  He has smoothed my hair and rubbed my back and dried my tears.  He has held me and rocked me and reassured me and protected me.  In all this this, he has only had a few of these moments-and I DARE take that away from him?  I felt so horrible, so guilty.  Who am I to rob him of his grief?  I'm afraid now that he'll try even harder to hold it in.  All that was going through my head was, "If he cries, I will break down, and we will never get through this.  I just have to get through this."

Notice, all the I's and Me's in that sentence.  How selfish!  I am so selfish.

I think is probably too personal for a blog on the internets, but I'm in need of that babylost mama community reassurance on this one.  We had sex for the first time since the babies died this weekend.  I really wanted to-I was afraid, mostly that it would hurt, but it really didn't.  It felt nice, comforting...but so, so wrong.  I had to hide in the bathroom after so I could sob.  Gut wrenching sobs.  I couldn't fool DH about this-he was on to me.  But really-when the one thing you want in this world-a want that is SO deep, so real, so raw and comes along with so much pain-is a baby-it feels so completely wrong to strap on a stupid condom.  It felt horrible.  It re-broke my heart all over again, I swear.  For a year and a half, we had TTC sex.  In a certain position, at certain times, you all know the drill=lots of you WAY more than me-and so to do it just to do it-when it should feel so good-it just killed me.  I so hope that I am not alone in this one.  Again, super personal, so feel free to ignore and not comment!!!  :)  On a lighter note,

we put an offer in the house on Friday.  We don't expect them to accept this one-but we're hoping they'll at least counter with something we can afford.  The realtor came today to take pictures of our house-which is seriously, utterly, sparkly clean.  I dare anyone to take a look in a drawer, in a closet, under a bed even!!!  We took an entire van load to the goodwill, and threw away probably 6 full bags of junk.  And we didn't even go through our clothes, or the storage area in the basement, although, it's pretty much consolidated.

Now we wait!  The house gets listed tomorrow, we're having an open house on Sunday, and tomorrow is the deadline for the sellers to get back to us on our offer.  Wish us luck!

Cleansing

Tonight we contacted the people from Craigslist that want to buy the baby furniture.  Hopefully, it will all be out of here by Saturday.  Then we can box up all the pregnancy/baby stuff, and it'll be done.  If only it were that easy...right?  I wish by being done with the pregnancy the pain would be done, but in actuality it seems to heighten.  Tonight I had a break down like I haven't had in weeks.  I can't handle to be around negativity, and I was, and it eats away at me and makes me feel like I'm stuck in a tiny, tiny room and just want to scream.  I feel so bitter and that hurts me-that's not who I am-or at least who I was.  My father-in-law passed away in November and my mother-in-law isn't handling it well.  Who can blame her, right?  Losing your husband would suck so bad.  But it's not just that...it's that there is something wrong with everything.  The grass is too green or not green enough.  Everyone is out to get you.  It makes me a CRAZY woman.  Honestly.  When there is something wrong, my response is, well, how can we fix it?  If you haven't tried to fix it, then STOP COMPLAINING about it!!!!!!!  Ugh.  If it's something you can't fix, then try to make peace with it.  I know that there is nothing I can do to "fix" what's wrong with me right now, and grief sucks, but it's all the other things that I can't handle.  

I played a little game today-I tried to think of ANY friend of mine that didn't have something painful going on in their life-and there were literally only like 2.  I just wish I knew why-----and trust me, I know that will never be answered.  There's no reason why this happened to me.  But it bothers me.  I want to learn and grow from it.  Perhaps someday I can think of the babies and smile instead of turn into a blubbering mess.  

Anyway, we went to look at the house tonight.  It is absolutely perfect, except for the yard.  Itis funny shaped, as in it's kind of got a hill and water seems to pool in it?  But the rest of it...the rest of it is so amazing and I would be so excited if we got it!  We are going to to put an offer in and put ours on the market, and wait and hopefully something will happen.  We know that they have already made an offer on another house, so we just need to sell ours and I just wish that was so easy!

Tonight I feel so down.  I feel like June will be a hard month for me-only because what would have/could have been.  I looked forward to June as the month I would be SO huge and having cankles and knowing the babies would be almost here.  I'd be nesting and making sure the nursery was perfect.  Instead, the baby furniture is on craigslist, and people are responding to the ad not with offers to purchase it, but wishing me well and sending their condolences and a lady even wrote me a poem.  I tell you, if prayers could take all this pain away...

So, here's to hoping that our house sells!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And that I can somehow make peace with getting rid of the furniture...

The week-end

I  guess I can just keep reminding myself that our life is never boring, right?

So this weekend we just tried to stay busy.  It's weird, but memorial day is just one of those days-it reminds me so much of my father-in-law, and I just can't help but thinking as it comes closer and closer to summer that this was supposed to be the summer that our whole lives changed.  When we had our two precious little babies with us.

Instead, I spent the weekend putting the baby furniture on Craigslist and hoping someone will buy it so we can get it out of the house without me giving it away, since it is absolutely brand new and we'll have lost about a thousand bucks on it.

Then yesterday, we had such a weird, amusing experience.  My mom has a trailer for the weekends/summers in a small town near here-and listen, I grew up in a small town, but this is a SMALL town.  This is awful, but Brian and I always joke that when we cross the county line, our IQ goes down and teenagers are suddenly pregnant (not so funny anymore).   One of our favorite things to do in this town is called, appropriately, the "corn and tater" fest.  Notice the use of the word "tater."  I should scan it in to give you the full effect some time, but you can purchase a polaroid picture in front of a giant fake ear of corn and baked potato.  It's awesome.  They also have the ever famous "chicken drop game."  Yep, it's just what you think it is.  There's a round wooden thing sectioned off and each section has a number.  You buy a chance and a number, then they plop the clucking chicken right now and wait 'til WHAT the chicken takes a little dump.  Your number wins, and you win the pot.  

Well, anyway, we got a little taste of small town again, this time with someone called a "meat raffle."

Huh.

Yes, I know.

A what?

A meat raffle.

*middle of nowhere smoky bar

*lots and lots of really drunk people

*raffle tickets

*random slabs of meat

*an entire sunday afternoon

I'll let you picture the rest, I'm not sure my description will do it justice.  Today we tried to re-stain the deck, only we couldn't get the old stain off, which is a huge problem and made us cranky.  So instead, we went for a drive to show Brian's mom the house we want to buy, and Louis dropped a toy into the stow-and-go part of the van, therefore ripping a toenail off, and decided to gush blood all over the place-including me.

So we called the bet, who called back and I'm sure he had had plenty to drink and was clearly at a party, and he said to put his paw in flour (?) and wrap it up with a sock and some masking tape.

A photo for your enjoyment.

Promenade

Remember how in gym class we had to learn how to square dance?  Well, I did anyway.  And the dance partner I always had had wet sleeves, which totally perplexed me all the time, as well as grossing me out.  I'm pretty sure that he sucked on them.

Anyway, promenade left! is one of the commands, but in french "faire une promenade" is a really fun way to say talk a stroll :)  I love saying it, and I love going for walks.  In our county we have these walking/running/biking paths that were made where the old railroad tracks used to be.  My favorite one starts just down the road from us where there is a giant statue of a sunfish (random?) and you have to go down all these steps to get to it.  Once you're down there, the path follows along the Mississippi.  You can see the sunset over the amazing river, as well as boaters and fisherman.  It is SO amazingly peaceful.  Brian and I go with Louis and we walk as long as the puppy can hold up, just talking.  It's a great time to talk without distraction.  No internet, no phone, etc.  It's hard to be angry there.  Just a good time to reflect.

It's looking like we are going to put our house up for sale---we just have one more step in the meantime.  On Tuesday we are going with our realtor to take a walk through the house we want and try to find some things that we don't like about it!  Then if we still think we want it, we'll have our realtor make an offer contingent that our house sells, and we'll put ours on the market.  I'm feeling hopeful, but as I've really learned in life the past year, it really doesn' t pay to get your hopes up.  That said, I refuse to turn into a pessimist.  I just think you can be hopeful, and just learn to cope with disappointment.  

I also decided to put the cribs and changing table on craigslist.  This was really hard for me.  Since the babies died I really thought we'd just keep it-in my mind, we will be having other kids, and so it will come in use.  But recently, I've been struggling with this.   I know that everyone does what they choose-when my mom's baby was born still, her moms went home before she got there and they cleaned everything out like it had never been there.  I would have been horrified by this, I think.  I've gone in there a few times lately just to sit and have a good cry when I needed to get the hurt out.  But now, I realize that I want a new start.  Not to forget the babies-trust me, I never will-and I am not worried about that.  But for the next baby, I want to pick out new things for them.  I love this furniture, it's beautiful and it's just what I wanted.  But it's what I wanted for our twins and I want something new just for the next baby.  Chances are it will be a singleton, anyway, and so it has been bugging me to think of selling just one of the cribs and it makes me crumble to think of taking it apart.  I know a lot of people that have kept their stuff just like it is, some store it, some get rid of it, but you just have to do what makes you feel right.  I keep changing my mind, but so far I'm at peace with it.  We'll lose money, but another thing we've learned, really quick, is that just doesn't matter anymore.  Not that we're being reckless, but really.

At graduation today, there was a slideshow of every student-it showed their baby picture and then their senior picture.  Brian had a really hard time with this, which instantly broke my heart.  I hate seeing him hurt, although I'm outwardly in pain a ton more than he, so I'm sure he feels this way a lot more often. But when we found out about the twins-I'll never forget it-he instantly was thinking about way in the future-like class rings and letter jackets and graduations.  It is horrifyingly painful to think that our sweet babies will never get to graduate.  Mostly, though, it's just another reminder of the future that we no longer have.

Overall, the days are getting easier around here (as in, still excrutiatingly sucky, but a little bit easier to make it through the day).  We are trying to stay focused on the future, make informed decisions, and overall just cling to each other.  The weekends are so much easier for me because I have Brian with me all the time.  Today I also got out on my own with one of my best friends, and it was so good for me.  It just makes me feel normal, ya know?  

In other news, I got my period today.  I have to say that I'm shocked.  I've always only ever gotten a period every 3 months or so, so I really wasn't counting on getting mine so soon postpartum.  Unfortunately, this makes my head start spinning about the prospects that maybe I'll randomly be fertile since I got pregnant.  I know it could happen, but really-I'm not the luckiest person.  At any rate, I'll be keeping track of it, and I officially am not going back on birth control.  I feel much better not and after talking to the ladies on my PROM listserve, and some other blogging ladies, I feel like I'm making the right decision.  Guess we'll see what happens!

Decisions, Decisions

So, I have decided that I am not going to go back on birth control.  Because, seriously, when all you want is a baby, isn't that a little counterproductive?  I mean, I realize that we will have to use some kind of birth control until we've made it past the 6 month mark that the doctor gave us.

Then I did a little research on PCOS, which I supposedly have, and realized that they strongly urge you in most cases to not use hormonal birth control.  Ugh.

This got me thinking about the fact that I'm not even really all that sure that I have PCOS.  I mean, clearly there are some issues because we tried for a year and a half and all that time I maybe had 4 or 5 periods?  I've had issues with that every since I was a kid.  So yes, there are issues.  But the only "fertility" work I've had done were-the provera challenge where they give you progesterone for 10 days and if your period comes, at least things are sort of connected.  That worked.  I had an appt with a lady in the "women's health center" where after 5 minutes she told me I had PCOS, prescribed me with clomid.

I took one round at the lowest dosage, and hello, twins!

Then I had the premature rupture, due to ambiguous infection, or maybe the infection came after, and since I had the mysterious passing of the mucous plug the week before, maybe my cervix was opening but can it shut again?  SO CONFUSING.

So, what I think I'm saying is I'd like more tests or something.  I don't know.  I'm afraid to take clomid again.  I'm afraid to be pregnant with twins again.  Hell, I'm afraid to be pregnant again. Buy my, oh my, do I want to be!

I was SO SO SO SO proud of myself today.  We are thinking of selling the house and I was so worried about the nursery-it's just like it was the day the babies died-so while it's not totally decked out, there are indeed two cribs and two gliders and a changing table and it's all painted nice and pretty.  Anyway, the realtor came to do a market value and when he opened the door, he looked at me, and said "Are you just planning to have kids?" (which made me think, well, hell, at least I don't look so fat that people think I'm still really pregnant) and I said, with no tears, "We were 6 months pregnant and I went into premature labor and the babies didn't make it."  He said, "I'm sorry." and we moved on.  I have a feeling I might break down about it later, but for now, I'm proud of myself.

So, tonight we must decide if we want to put the house up for sale, and if we do should we maybe not go to France after all, and how we should move forward with this fertility stuff.  I mean, can you just like, call up the fertility department?  Do you need a referral?  So confusing.

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So, after my dr appt yesterday, I was put back on birth control to try to get my cycles going again.  I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome, which means a lot of things, but the main impact it has for me is that I don't seem to ovulate on my own, at least regularly.  Sometimes, though, getting pregnant and staying pregnant can change some of the symptoms.  So, I'm trying to figure out if perhaps anything has changed, so I bought some ovulation predictor tests, just to get my bearings.  That way when we do decide to try to conceive again, I will have an idea of what's going on. 

Anyway, today I was at Walmart buying these OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) and the girl at the checkout line scans it and says, "Whoa, these are expensive."  I tensed up, thinking-um, ok, you're not supposed to really comment on my purchases.  Then, she went ahead and did it.  The question that was asked to me, point blank, that I really thought I wouldn't have to answer for a while.

"If you don't mind me asking, do you have any other kids?"

Somehow I smiled politely and said, "No, I don't."

I paid, walked to my van, and subsequently had a complete break down in my van in the parking lot. It's really hard to describe the feelings that this question brings about.  I mean, it is a lie to say that I don't have kids-but my kids are not living-and so it seems to me a lot easier to just say "none" unless I want to tell the whole story to the clerk at the walmart.  Not worth it.  

I guess I just wasn't ready for this.  I guess it's good to get all these firsts over with.  I guess it just makes me realize that this is something that is going to be a silent sadness-one that is going to go unspoken. One that I will deal with each day, silently, and keep moving on.  

In other news, I got a referral for a therapist yesterday.  I guess to me this is not such a big deal-I've always kind of thought about going for the issues I have/had with my father, anyway.  I'd imagine it'll be a good thing all around if I can find someone I trust.

And in other, other news we are going to the bank tonight to see if we can afford the new house that we found that we both instantly fell in love with and really, really, really want.  I don't know if it's going to work out.  We'd also, well, have to sell our house, which would mean everything would have to work out just so.  I have a friend who just sold her house in 8 days, so maybe??  I suppose in everything in life, except for having my babies die, I would typically just say, if it's meant to be, it will be.

Humph.

Well, I'm off to the bank to see if we are rich enough!  :)

The Future

So, I had my postpartum doctor appointment today.  I was ok arriving at the clinic, I was ok in the waiting room, I was ok getting weighed and all that, and then I got into "the room."  This would be the room I was in for every single check-up for the babies.  Where I first heard their heartbeats.  Where my doctor said, "You are making an excellent home for these babies-what lucky ones they are" and I smiled so big and played it over and over in my head the whole night.

I sat down in this room, and the nurse, the lovely nurse asked, "Are you in any pain?" and I just looked at her and burst into tears.  Which in turn made her burst into tears.  

So then the doc came in, and while I know she does care about me, I could tell she was asking some questions just to make sure I'm not ok, and not falling into some deep, dark depression.  After we had a good conversation, she looked me in the eye and asked, "What does the future hold for you and Brian?"

What a question.

Of course, I've thought about the future.  If you define future as tomorrow, or this weekend, or just maybe the end of the month .  But the future-future?  That pretty much went out the window with the death of these babies. I mean, not literally.  We, I'm sure, have a wonderful future.  We will have babies some day, a great family, we will get to be mommy and daddy to someone besides our spunky puppy dog.  But trying to think of that now is hard.  I mean, seriously hard.  

I thought about it for a moment.  The bitter, sarcastic side of me (yes, that side of me is still there!) wanted to say, "Well, I know what's not in it-my babies" but my doctor didn't deserve that.  I mumbled and stumbled and answered something about how we will have a family and grow our marriage stronger.

But really, has someone every looked you in the eye and asked you point.blank.  What does the future hold?

Food for thought, I guess.

Insurance?

So, we got a rather large (lets just say thousands of dollars) bill in the mail from the hospital for Sophie---and we just figured it was an oversight?  Apparently the insurance didn't even know she existed, so the lady entered her in the system and said to have the hospital resend the bill.  Then, in her random mumblings, she kept referring to one day and did she live one day and blahblahblabh.  

Does anyone reading this know anything about that?  Does a baby have to live a certain amount of time to be covered by insurance?  That seems cruel and insane!!!

unsettling

I have no idea whatsoever why I thought of this-

but when we had our 20 wk scan, after we had the long ultrasound where she told us everything was perfect (stab stab twist twist) the DVD burner didn't work.  So she had me lay back down and grease back up and she did a quick 3 minute look so we could have a recording of the baby.  She gave us both DVDs so that we'd at least have the short one, but she hoped the long one worked.

We got them home and we had two blank DVDs.

Who even knows if I believe in all of this (who even knows what I believe) but lady that can't work a DVD burner?  Or a sign?

*insert theme to twilight zone* 

(Numb)ers

Ok, I know y'all know what I'm talking about-those random "getting to know you" surveys you get in the e-mail, or those silly quizzes you take on facebook when you're bored- they always ask you the same question-including, "What is your favorite number?"  I have always been perplexed and even semi-annoyed by this question, and since I have no lucky or favorite number (how even do you get one of those?), I put whatever number pops into my head.

It seems, to me, that now, instead of having a favorite number,  I despise them all.  Numbers define.  How many kids do you have?  They rule.  You must wait 6 months before you try to get pregnant.  They threaten.  You must get to 23 weeks in this pregnancy or your kids will die without a chance.  They remind.  May 16th would have been your baby shower, August 7th was your due date, April 13th is their birth day.  They shock.  You owe $7,934 for the 8 hours that Sophie spent in the NICU (Aiden's apparently gets covered by insurance, but we get a bill for Sophie?  Hmmmm...another lovely phone call to the lovely people at the insurance company-but yes, I am so thankful we have it, trust me...).  They label.  You are pregnant with two babies? Are you infertile?  

Numbers seem to have taken over in my life.  Whereas before I never even thought about them, now they follow me.  I see 2 robins and I think of my babies.  I see two cribs in the nursery which I'm not supposed to look in.  We saved enough money for two babies worth of daycare.  We bought a van that would fit 2 carseats.  We got presents in twos-two onesies, two monkeys, two booties, two hats, two pairs of socks.

Chances are the next time we get pregnant there won't be two babies.  And let's face it, part of me wishes that there would be.  Because somehow, then, the dreams that I had for the future as in instant four of us would still be possible.  You lose one baby, you have one more.  It's dangerous to think about getting pregnant to replace the baby you lost, but let's face it-cold and dirty-it's what we do.  

Numbers define me now.  They have changed me forever.  I lost my water at 21 weeks.  23 is viability.  They will rule us now.

Zero babies.

That's it.

That's the number.

Zero.

Zero babies.

That's it, folks.  Numbers numb.

(numb)ers.

this is where I want to write the f word. Rant that you all should ignore but I MUST get this out. Then maybe delete.

I feel like I want to explode. I feel like 700 things are going through my head at the same time.  I'm typing as fast as I can to just get this out because I.am.so.angry.

I'm so pissed off that someone would send me an invitation to their baby shower.  I have no right to be.  But do you really think I'm going to go?  I mean, seriously?  There is no way.  Not even a contemplation.  2 weeks ago she sends me a sympathy card for my babies and today a baby shower invitation?  Are you serious?  Oh, and let's email the staff 3 times in one week reminding them of the frickin baby shower that was originally planned for me, and now is for the person who had their baby a few months ago.  Um, can you TAKE MY FUCKING NAME OFF THE LIST PLEASE?  Is it that hard?  Is that too much too ask?

Oh, and while we're at it.  Seriously, if I see one more person put their status message on facebook "ugh, worst.day.ever"

REALLY?  Care to discuss this?

The whole stupid thing about all of this is one month ago I was the same way.  I was so naive.  So ignorant.  I sent out that horrible "Guess what?  I'm pregnant!" email.  I wonder now if someone I sent that to had just had a miscarriage or is struggling to get pregnant.

But DAMN IT.  This sucks.  This sucks so, so bad and people are so damn insensitive.

I feel so forgotten.  Is it so hard to send a friend an email to tell you you're thinking of them?  Well, it is so hard, because your life is soooooooooo hard.  Really?  What if you had to walk past the urns of your babies on the way to your computer?  What if when you log in you see that your bookmarks, which used to be baby/pregnancy sites, are links to dead baby blogs and resources on grieving.   REally? Is it that hard to send me an email?  Ask me how I am?  Ask me if I want to get together?

Because, frankly, I do!  My husband working and I'm not, and what that means is days that last weeks and hours to think about my two babies who SHOULD BE IN MY BELLY not in a fucking urn.

I am so angry.  And lonely.  

But thankful for my husband.  And my puppy.  And my health.  But let's face it-I shouldn't really have to stop and think about what I'm thankful for.  I got totally ripped off.  Cheated.  And I'm pissed.  And when I'm not pissed, I'm sobbing.  Or weepy.

And then I think of my colleague who is dying of brain cancer.

Or the one whose 18 year old son is in a coma from a car accident in which alcohol was involved.

And dammit, I feel guilty.  Because maybe this makes me just as bad as the person who puts "got a speeding ticket today fuck my life".  

Ugh.  This so, so sucks.  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

One month

Dear Aiden and Sophie,

It is almost impossible to believe that it's been one month since you were born, and one month since you left us.  I miss you both so, so much.  More than you could ever imagine.

This past weekend was mother's day.  I had so many dreams of this day.  Perhaps not this particular one, but of the ones in the future.  Of Daddy taking you to pick out a card and flowers and having breakfast in bed.  Of you bringing home beautiful things that you made in school-you know, lovely, artistic things :)  I know that you are up in Heaven, doing those lovely things for your Great-grandmas instead of for me.  

I want you to know how much your Daddy and I love you.  We will love you always, always.  We wish so desperately that you were here with us-it seems so unfair and so cruel that you couldn't stay.  It hurts me so much that I can't even stand it some days.  I'm trying really hard to keep moving forward, to keep smiling and laughing so that you'll be proud of me.  Some days I just don't find much to be funny!!! (except justin timberlake on snl-seriously, that guy is hilarious).  I want you to know that I wanted so badly to be your mother.  You were so, so wanted.  We were ready for you.  Ready to be parents.  Ready to give up staying up late, and sleeping in.  Ready to push work aside for what is more important.  Ready to read books to you every single night and sing songs and teach you French.  Ready to take long, annoying trips in our new mini-van so that you could hang out with grandmas.  Ready for you to fight with each other, ruin the nice things in our house, scream, kick-whatever.  We were ready for sleepless nights and sucking boogers out of your noses.

But you had other plans, I suppose.  You wanted to go straight to Heaven where maybe you could watch over us.  I wish you could have stayed.

I miss you so, so much.  I love you and your daddy loves you, too.  Please know this.  All of your family misses you so much and wishes they could have met you.  They all agree at how equally handsome and beautiful you were.  Sophie, I still am sorry that you got my nose! At least they'll recognize you as a Furman up there :)  We have such great friends that were looking so forward to meeting you.  They all wanted to baby-sit and take you out to fun places to play.  They miss you, too.

I think of you so often.  I'm so proud of you for trying to stay here as long as you could.  I'm so sorry that I couldn't keep you safe.  I'm so sorry that my body didn't protect you like it should have.  I'm sorry that my body failed us.  I'm sorry that you aren't here with me like you should be.  I'm so, so sorry.

I love you Sophie and Aiden!

Mom

The Rain

Today I grabbed my ipod and my sunglasses and took Louis for a really long walk.  I feel today like I'm going backwards in my grief journey.  I'm reading a book right now that reminded me that in reality it's a cycle-it's not linear.  Just because I had some good days doesn't mean they all will be!

Yesterday was such a bad day-I know that until I have a kid living here on Earth, Mother's Day is just another day.  I just let it get to me.  A few people actually said Happy Mother's Day to me-each time I heard it, I cried.  Thank you, thank you.  Some of my friends acknowledged that the day would be hard-which I appreciate-but I need for my babies to be acknowledged.  The more times I hear the names, the more times I can say their names, it validates their very existence.  I want to believe that I'm not the only ones that misses them, that understands they were here and that I loved them.  

Anyway, I'm on this walk and it's impossible to ignore the beauty of spring.  It's hard to be angry at the birds happily twirping and the lovely smell of fresh-cut grass.  You can't blame the sky for being so blue and making the clouds float lazily by.  I walk past houses and wonder-what has happened to this family, or this one.  Did they have a baby die?  A child?  Is someone sick in their family?  Did they just lose their job?  

I'd like to say it wasn't true, but I also get into the habit of thinking things like-their father probably caught the cancer in time.  Their babies probably made it in the NICU.  

This is all pretty much completely ridiculous.  BUT there is a point to why I'm writing this.

I'm walking down the street, trying not to let the waves of pain completely take me over, and a song comes on.  It's one of my favorite songs, but as I listen I wonder, have I ever really listened to the words before this very moment?

I don't think I had.  And it is so important for me to know, to remember, that I am not the only person to feel this pain.  If we didn't feel this pain, we wouldn't know why life was so beautiful. We wouldn't be so intrigued by Heaven-a place where we feel no pain-we aren't touched by tragedy-without pain that place would be no big deal, right?

I suppose it's fruitless to look for a reason why this happened-I know that I didn't do anything to deserve this personally-but sometimes the guilt is overwhelming.  This song, though-this song today reminded me that no one is free from this-perhaps some are free from this particular situation, but if not this, it's something else.  In the meantime, I need to be gentle with myself and let myself be loved and cared for.  

The song is by the group Third Day.  Here are the lyrics:

 

When the rain comes you think that everyone has gone away 

When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't find someplace 

To run and hide 

Escape the pain 

But hiding's such a lonely thing to do 

 

I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again 

I can't stop the rain, but i will hold you till it goes away 

 

When the rain comes you blame it on the things that you have done 

When the storm fades you know the rain has fall'n on everyone 

So rest a while 

It will be alright 

No one loves you like i do 

 

I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again 

I can't stop the rain, but i will hold you, 

I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again 

I can't stop the rain, but i will hold you till it goes away

 

 

A poem (not by me, of course)

What Makes a Mother 

I thought of you all, I closed my eyes
and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard Him say,
A Mother has a baby.
This we know is true. But God can you be a Mother
when your baby's not with you?"Yes you can!", He replied
with confidence in His voice,
"I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice."Some I send for a lifetime
and other's for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."So you see
my dear sweet one,
your children are OK. Your babies are here in my home
and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on that day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize
that you are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day
and know you're the best one.
Written with love
for all the Mother's missing their babies
by Jennifer Wasik

Some pictures :)

One of my best friends in the whole world sent me this bracelet for mother's day:  It is SO beautiful.  I wear it every day.  It makes me feel closer to my babies and reminds me that I AM a mother, no matter what :)

Also, here are the beautiful keepsake urns that the funeral home gave us.  The blue one is Aiden, the pink is Sophie.  We decided to keep them in their memory box.

And, one last picture of Mr. Louis, my other baby (fur baby, perhaps?)  He kinda looks like a muppet monster :)

Almost a Mother

Today I went to see my mom and her husband, and my sister and nephew.  We were out shopping and we were checking out.  I had asked my mom to buy something and split it and then right before she paid for her stuff, I slipped it in her pile, trying to be sneaky (this is a common joke-me trying to get her to pay for stuff for me :).  Anyway, the checkout clerk thought this was funny, and he said sarcastically, "Happy Mother's Day" referring/joking about the fact that it is Mother's Day, but my mom was buying ME something.

Anyway, I laughed and my nephew, who is 6, says out loud:

"Well, Aunt Christy was almost a mother."

I wanted to die.  Crawl in a hole.  I wanted to scream.  He is 6, I kept saying to myself.  He has no idea. He is 6.  You can't yell at him.  What would I yell?  Why would I yell?  I hate this anger.

I quietly walked out and sat in the cry and began to cry.  He looked at me a couple of times and I could tell he was confused.  He's 6, He's 6, He's 6.  He's just a kid.

The fact of the matter is-I need to learn to deal with this.  I need to learn that people are going to say things that are going to hurt, to sting, to make me feel empty to my core.

The thing is-THE THING IS!  I AM A MOTHER.

Yes, it is different.  Yes, I should have my babies here on Earth, but I don't.  But it doesn't change the fact that I am a mother to two babies.  And I'm not crazy, I know that my nephew has no idea, and I'm not even insinuating that anyone would think otherwise.  It's that I need to say this, write this, think this, because it is hard for me to believe, to really, truly believe.

I am a mother.  I will always be a mother.  I am.  I am.

Getting out of bed

is not so appealing when you're getting up so you can go pick up your babies ashes from the funeral home.

:(

UGH

I spent the whole morning emailing back and forth with one of our friends from France, trying to find a decent, super cheap, hotel in Paris (ha!).  I was really having a good time-researching, asking, figuring.

Then the phone rang.

SNAP back into reality.

It was the funeral home saying that that ashes of my babies are ready to be picked up.

Now I'm numb.  The phone has rung twice since and I haven't even looked to see who it is.  

I am so sad.

I'm a list person

I am a list person.  At work I have separate to-do lists:  one for home, one for school, one for French club, and one for the committee I facilitate.  It makes me feel good to scratch off something that I've completed.  When I found out I was pregnant, I had lists everywhere.  Things to do before the first trimester's over.  Things to do once we found out the genders.  Things to do before we go to the hospital.  Obviously, I never got to finish all those lists.  My personality does not respond well to this-I hate leaving a list with things not checked off.  I found one of these lists today.  It was pretty straightforward:  get carseats installed, learn how to swaddle (this always has really confused me), pack hospital bag, write down important numbers to call, etc.  A part of me wanted to save this list and use it for the "next time."

Brian had a colleague from across the state call tonight and after she said she was "sorry" she asked, "So, will you have other kids?"

Um, excuse me?  Not even my VERY best, closest friends have asked me such a blunt question.  And really, would you assume that we've even decided that?  I mean, we know we want a family.  Oh my, do we ever want a family.  So bad that it literally aches.  But I just gave birth 3 weeks ago.  I'm still bleeding.  We are reeling from the grief that hit us out of nowhere.  So, to answer that question, I guess I'd say, "I hope so."

I was talking to a very good friend of mine today about how I had an instinct throughout my whole pregnancy that something was going to go wrong.  Clearly, I didn't foresee my babies dying.  But the entire time, I was nervous.  Too nervous.  Things went wrong, warning signs, that I brought up and was reassured that they were normal.  But I had a feeling deep down.  Even when I was just barely pregnant.  Each time I went to the doctor to hear a heartbeat.  Each ultrasound.  Every single time I used the bathroom I checked the toilet paper.  Never once in 24 weeks was there blood on the toilet paper.  I continued to check.

A week before my water broke, I passed my mucous plug.  I called the doctor.  They said they weren't too concerned, discharge changes and gets thicker, but well, I should probably put the number to labor and delivery in my cell phone.  

I went home and cried all night.  Even then, I knew something was wrong.

When my water broke, I knew it was over.  I prayed the whole 2 weeks I was on bedrest, I thought all positive thoughts, I visualized putting babies in cribs in nurseries.  No matter what I did, no matter what anyone said, there was a nagging way, deep down.  It reminded me of what I had known since the beginning.  That the pressure I felt wasn't "round ligament stretching."  That the pressure I felt like the baby was down low wasn't normal.

My friend tonight told me that her biggest dream for me is that the "next time" I will know from the beginning that things will be perfect.  That I can spend every minute of that pregnancy knowing that I will have a living baby at the end of it.

So, being the list person that I am, I am going to make one right now.  This is a list of affirmations that I will look at and dream of and hope fore.  It is a list of what I hope for my life.  It is a short list; compiled of only one item.

1.  I will conceive and carry a baby to full term that I can love for the rest of my life.

Distractions...

I know that you can't run away from grief.  There's no escaping it.  But I also know that sometimes I just need to distract myself from it!

I've had a pretty good weekend, overall.  I'm crying less and less and each day brings a little more hope.  Brian's mom had a rummage sale this weekend and it was good to be out of the house and be around people.  We had an amazing talk with Brian's aunt.  Each time I really talk things out, it makes me feel a little sense of peace.  Mostly the only problem was that there were some really, really pregnant people that came.  This just makes me sad because Brian and I had all sorts of plans to hit rummage sales this spring to find baby stuff.  I know that we will do this someday, and that helps.

Also, we have found a new, quite random distraction.  We have been going to the casino!  :)  Don't worry, we make a really low spending limit and we only pay penny slots :)  It's just the excitement and all the people who don't know anything about us, and the fact that we're getting out of town and no one knows we were there.  We don't spend any more money than we would going to the movies, and if we started to, we'd stop (for those of you that really know my husband and his view on finances, you know this is so true).  We only play side by side, we hold hands, we people watch, we drink free diet coke :)

The distraction that I'm really hoping to gain is getting healthy.  I know this seems twisted, but since this all happened, I sort of felt like I wanted to punish my body. After 6 months of only drinking water, and eating healthy, and resting, I wanted to rebel against the body that let me down.  I just wanted diet coke and didn't want to take my vitamins and wanted to eat horrible junk food.  This is not that surprising, since I'm an emotional eater as it is.  But as I come out of this haze, I realize this is not the way to do it.  I need to take care of me in order to 1) help with grieving and 2) be ready to conceive again physically once we are ready emotionally.  Maybe I'll try to keep this updated with my progress to keep some accountability.  Hmmmm.

Love you all!

I promise I don't really hate..

It recently occurred to me that a lot of you might still be reading this.  I want to tell you that 1) I love all of you  2) I don't really hate anyone and 3) you can totally comment on any posts I make or even ask me questions-I'm totally willing to answer them!

  I hate feeling this bitterness/jealousy that I do towards people but it's awfully short term, like a ping, and then it's gone.  I can still smile when I see a new baby or a pregnant person, and while it makes me feel so much pain as well for what I've lost, I don't wish this sadness on anyone!

Today I read my school email and there was an invitation to a baby shower-the one that my name should have been one.  It was so surreal to read it-like, where's my name?  Of course, they can't just not have the baby shower for the other people just because I don't get to have it!

The other thing that I'm afraid of is that my friends are going to be afraid to tell me good news, i.e. they are pregnant.  Of course, this is hard to hear.  But in NO WAY because I am not happy for you.  Of course I am!!!!!  I just am still sad for myself.  A good way to do this might be in an email, perhaps, so I can cry tears of happiness and sadness and then pull myself together to congratulate you :)

While I was in the hospital someone said to me, "Oh, honey, you're young.  There will be other pregnancies."

I know this was meant with kindness, but it tore me up.  I wanted this pregnancy.  I simply know that this was not God's plan for me-and while I don't have to like it, I have to accept it.  I need to focus on figuring out how that can make me stronger, give me purpose, figure out how I can use it to make our life better and stronger.  I have two angels up in Heaven that are looking down on us and are anxious to give us a little brother or sister someday.  I have an AMAZING husband and wonderful friends, a great job, a beautiful house, an adorable puppy and lots and lots and lots of things to be thankful for.  There is NO reason why this happened to me-there's person that deserves this.  However, it did happen, and we are going to power through. We're going to use this to give our lives purpose.  We are going to live for our tiny sweet little babies.