and I've finally been able to stop crying.
I threw a baby shower today. It was for my best friend. She just adopted a baby boy from Ethiopia. I"ll put a picture of him at the end and you will not believe how beautiful he is.
It was so hard, seriously, you guys! I know I am WHINING. It sucked.
I'm so glad I did it.
But it was ALL mom-club only, and I am NOT a member (and definitely not the president!).
And it was at MY house. And I couldn't get away.
And I am so ashamed because I needed to do this for my friend, who deserved it, and I had to go in the basement of my OWN house and cry.
Someone-one of my colleagues-brought their frickin' 2 month old baby. Another one a 6 month old. I heard the baby cry and WHAM-there I am in the hospital, crying and bleeding and wishing myself away, anywhere but there.
Um, HELLO! Did I invite them to bring their babies?
I know. Irrational.
I so am.
I just spent $100 on books. And ate 2 pieces of cake. "It's a Boy" cake on top of it. I had to bring that cake home. And buy "It's a boy ballons." And make cute little favors. And buy a baby book. And wrap it. And make invitations with cute little blue footprints. Footprints are one of the only things I have from my babies. I hate footprints.
I had a boy. And I didn't get It's a Boy balloons.
I had a girl, too.
I know this is so selfish-it is not all about me. But I am just so ANGRY at how unfair this is. And it's even worse, because my best friend has not had an easy time becoming a mom. She has hydrocephalus and had surgeries when she was little which eventually left her infertile (because of infection/bacteria, not because of hysterectomy or anything). She tried for 2 years w/out success-started out adopting from Columbia, which fell through. Switched to Ethiopia and got matched-pictures, videos, had showers, got nursery ready. Fell through. Finally she has her little boy and here I AM feeling sorry for myself. Wanting to bang my head against the wall. Wanting to scream.
No one even mentioned anything about the babies-of course not. I didn't even want them to. But now that's it over I wish they would have. Of course. They can't win with me.
And the one person that did-I got the ever infamous, I had a miscarriage too, in between my kids, at 7 weeks... you know where this is going.
I am NOT, please know, I am not trying to minimize a miscarriage.
But please, please, this is different! I met them! They curled their hands around my fingers!
I yell this inside my head. No one hears.
I am so stressed about school. I have so much to do and can't bring myself to do it. I can't concentrate. I can't formulate coherent thoughts or sentences. I can't make t0-do lists.
Oh, I am wallowing, ladies.
Feeling soooo sorry for myself. :(
I need to put an end to this post!!!!!! So here are some pictures of the shower :)
The new baby (well, he's one!) (told you he was ADORABLE)
My baby, Louis:
The favors I made:
And, the cake I just devoured: