Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Well, a $100 trip to Barnes and Noble later...

and I've finally been able to stop crying.
I threw a baby shower today. It was for my best friend. She just adopted a baby boy from Ethiopia. I"ll put a picture of him at the end and you will not believe how beautiful he is.
It was so hard, seriously, you guys! I know I am WHINING. It sucked.
I'm so glad I did it.
But it was ALL mom-club only, and I am NOT a member (and definitely not the president!).
And it was at MY house. And I couldn't get away.
And I am so ashamed because I needed to do this for my friend, who deserved it, and I had to go in the basement of my OWN house and cry.
Someone-one of my colleagues-brought their frickin' 2 month old baby. Another one a 6 month old. I heard the baby cry and WHAM-there I am in the hospital, crying and bleeding and wishing myself away, anywhere but there.
Um, HELLO! Did I invite them to bring their babies?
I know. Irrational.
I so am.
I just spent $100 on books. And ate 2 pieces of cake. "It's a Boy" cake on top of it. I had to bring that cake home. And buy "It's a boy ballons." And make cute little favors. And buy a baby book. And wrap it. And make invitations with cute little blue footprints. Footprints are one of the only things I have from my babies. I hate footprints.
I had a boy. And I didn't get It's a Boy balloons.
I had a girl, too.
I know this is so selfish-it is not all about me. But I am just so ANGRY at how unfair this is. And it's even worse, because my best friend has not had an easy time becoming a mom. She has hydrocephalus and had surgeries when she was little which eventually left her infertile (because of infection/bacteria, not because of hysterectomy or anything). She tried for 2 years w/out success-started out adopting from Columbia, which fell through. Switched to Ethiopia and got matched-pictures, videos, had showers, got nursery ready. Fell through. Finally she has her little boy and here I AM feeling sorry for myself. Wanting to bang my head against the wall. Wanting to scream.
No one even mentioned anything about the babies-of course not. I didn't even want them to. But now that's it over I wish they would have. Of course. They can't win with me.
And the one person that did-I got the ever infamous, I had a miscarriage too, in between my kids, at 7 weeks... you know where this is going.
I am NOT, please know, I am not trying to minimize a miscarriage.
But please, please, this is different! I met them! They curled their hands around my fingers!
I yell this inside my head. No one hears.
I am so stressed about school. I have so much to do and can't bring myself to do it. I can't concentrate. I can't formulate coherent thoughts or sentences. I can't make t0-do lists.
Oh, I am wallowing, ladies.
Feeling soooo sorry for myself. :(
I need to put an end to this post!!!!!! So here are some pictures of the shower :)

The new baby (well, he's one!) (told you he was ADORABLE)

My baby, Louis:

The favors I made:

And, the cake I just devoured:


Tracey said...

Oh this must have been so tough for you to host the shower, so close to the Sophie and Aiden's due date when losing them is still so fresh. You are a generous and kind (AND BRAVE!) friend - I'm sure your friend was so very appreciative. You've definitely earned some wallowing time - you need grieving time after those types of experiences...I know after I went to my first baby shower a few weeks ago, I slept for hours after words - I can't imagine the additional stress of having hosted one.

Sophie was our final name choice for our little gal, though in the end we decided to name her Rose...Sophie is a beautiful name for a very loved little girl. I love the name Aiden as well.

Many hugs to you. I'm new to your blog and so very sorry we've had to meet like this...

Tracey said...

ack. spelling! My head is not clear.

I slept for hours afterwards I should have said. :)

Tina said...

I hope your friend knows how hard this was for you and she appreciates the blessing you are in her life. Thinking of you and your sweet babies. xx

Mirne said...

You are a better friend than me. I couldn't have done it and I wouldn't have done it. I can't do things like that any more. I couldn't even attend a baby shower. I think I'd sit there and cry the whole time. You are amazing!!! Even if your friend doesn't realise it. The party favors look gorgeous and the cake beautiful. And your friend's baby is totally scrumptious. I hope she realises how bloody lucky she is.

niobe said...

What an amazing friend you are. Incredibly brave and incredibly generous.

Nan and Mike said...

HI sweetie, what a wonderful friend you are. I'm sorry it was a happy/sad time, you were very brave to do that. And what is up with people bringing babies to the shower, shouldn't the Mom of the hour be the one with the attention, can't these people get a babysitter for 3 hours? I am very conflicted with that also. Your friend's baby is adorable, I am happy she was able to be an earthly Mom finally :) Hugs, Nan

Catherine W said...

You are such a kind, generous and wonderful friend. Truly amazing.

You don't need to feel ashamed for having a cry in the basement and you aren't being selfish, I think you should feel very, very proud of yourself.

Anonymous said...

First, you are a member of the mom club. Second, you are a better woman than I am, I didn't even go to a baby shower I was recently invited to, let alone throw it! Don't be so hard on yourself. This sucks and what happened to you sucked and it's okay to have a pity party.

Missing Kasey said...

You are a mom and dont ever say your not! I know it doesnt feel like it at times, but your are!

You are very brave, I wont even go to baby showers.

You should feel proud of your self not ashamed! It takes a lot to do what you did, I probably wouldn't have been able to not cry in front of everyone.


Bluebird said...

You are a strong, amazing, and brave friend, and I so admire you for doing this. Having yourself a good cry does not detract from the selfless act you did for your friend.

I cried, reading your post, because I was so reminded of myself. I can't see, "It's a boy!" without thinking, "I had a boy, too. And a girl." Just like you :) I'm so sorry they're not hear with you.

Just Breathe said...

I am very proud of you. That was so sweet of you to do her shower.
He is adorable. It's okay to whine!

Kristy ~ said...

You aren't a bad friend, you are an incredible friend. You love her so much that you put your own feelings aside for her. No one would ever judge you for feeling the way you do...and if they do, they have never walked in our shoes.

I need to add, that I can relate on you words (and i'm sure the millions of thoughts that ran through your head) about someone comparing your loss to a miscarriage. As someone who has experienced miscarriage - multiple times AND infant loss - twice...they are not alike, not at all.

Lots of *hugs*...you are not alone.

Anonymous said...

You did a wonderful job! The cake and the favors are adorable. You are such a good friend to do that for her, especially something so very hard.

Bree said...

I agree with everyone else. You are an amazing friend. My best friend from childhood is 25 weeks pregnant with her second baby and I've refused to see her since losing Ella. I'm a horrible friend!