Friday, August 14, 2009

Back and not so happy about that!!!

Ok, I guess it's kind of good to be home....for the sake of our checking account/credit cardtab.Yikes. I have too much to say, so I think I'll make a list so I don't ramble.

*I feel glad that my due date has passed-it was a really hard day and I was glad to be distracted by the fabulousness of La.s I cried, but behind my sunglasses and mostly could stay distracted. I think the buildup to it was worse.
*I would like for people to please NOT take their small children on vacation when I am there. Please leave your newborn babies out of the 107 degree weather. They are only there to taunt me. To try to break me! Um, hello, people-you are ruining my vacation!!!! (I hope you know that I'm (mostly) kidding).
*People apparently travel only with their identical twin siblings. Or bring their identical twin siblings on trips. Everytime I saw a double stroller, I would brace myself to see what's coming. I got on the monorail once with boy/girl twins about one year old and it was THE longest 10 minutes of my life. Thank goodness horrible thoughts don't actually hurt anyone or I would be in big trouble. I'm praying that I can get past this horrible jealousy stage kind of soon.
*Oh, on my due date I freaking ovulated. For what I think is either the first or second time ever in my life, on my own. I had eggwhite cervical mucuous, and it was, you guessed it, day 15 of my cycle. This should be great news, but it's still to early to try and I was desperate to. I thought it was a sign or something. B disagreed. He's so levelheaded I want to smack him. Can't do that for a few months, and I have a dr appt with a peri next week to get through first. It sucked big time. Irony.
*I am SO sick of shows/movies about the "Oops, I'm pregnant" story line. We went to this cool studio thing at MG.MGr.and where you can test out shows and I was so excited. We saw the show "Acciden.tally on Pur.pose." I wanted to run, run, run, run. Storyline= 36 year old intelligent, beautiful, single woman. Decides to randomly have a one-night stand with 21 year old moron kid with stoner friends that sit around playing nintendo or whatever. Oops, she gets pregnant and decides boy can move in with her. Gee, does that sound familiar? Jaded=me.
*We went to a timeshare presentation (I know-dumb idea) to get free show tickets and while I successfully told the guy no, I did not successfully deal with "Do you have kids? Are you going to have kids? How many kids are you going to have?"
*Whenever really happy things happen to me now, instead I cry. Fireworks on the 4th made me bawl like a baby. We went to see Phan.tom of the Op.era, which I love so, so much. I had seen it before in Chicago, but in Vegas it was SOOOOO amazing. We saw it on our Anniversary after having steak at Mon Ami, a French restau at Pa.ris, Las I felt so happy and all I could do was cry (secretly, of course). I just feel like I wish I had a child to share the happiness with. I wish we could show a little kiddo how much love we have for them. It's there, just waiting. Instead, I'm just a mom to two dead babies and scared to try again for another. Families together make me so sad.
*We had a great time overall. It was the best decision-off on our own, low-stress, lots of things to distract. Great people watching, we played penny slots at every casino on the strip, saw 3 shows, ate great food, and walked a lot holding hands.
* I am sad and scared to be back. My counter says there are 17 days left before the first day of school. I'm not ready. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I can't do it anymore. That I'm broken. That I'll push people away. That the kids won't like me anymore. That I won't be able to pull off the things I normally do. That after 5 months of doing what I want whenever I want, grieving when I need, I will break. I'm just afraid.
*The very first thing I did when I got back was to read blogs. I checked on Mirne to make sure everything was still ok. I checked on Bluebird. I read everyone. I know that you are all strangers, but you feel like friends to me and I want to thank you so, so much. Love to you all!
I'll leave you with my favorite pictures:

From the top of the "eiffel tower". Having been on top of the real one, it was a little anti-climactic (spelling? did I make up that word?) but still way, way cool nonetheless.
RIP Michael!

Yep, went to the moon. Totally. For real.

This is totally photoshopped, but I did go to the Vegas version of this show and I did NOT win or get called down! Lame!!!!


Tina said...

It sounds as if your trip was good overall. I know how hard it is to be out there in the world when everyone seems so damn happy and we are just so sad. It just isn't fair.

I go back to work next week and I am really not happy about it. I just don't know how I am suppossed to act normal when I just don't feel that way. I am sure we will get through it and I am so glad I have all of my online friends to support me. Enjoy the rest of your days off!

Just Breathe said...

Sounds like Vegas, for the most part, was very entertaining. I wish I could take all your pain away. I know that it won't always be this way. I truly believe this.
I am following some women who have been through baby loss several times and they are now close to having their perfect family. I realize that may not be comforting to you right now but I know you have the strength within you and you will be an awesome mother.

Nan and Mike said...

Hi sweetie,
Yes, you have alot of thoughts in your head, rightfully so. I cant stand the TV show titled "I didnt know I was pregnant" - come on, really?! Just the title on the screen annoys me. Glad you had a good time overall, love the pics! Sorry you had to deal with life's emotional "triggers" such as seeing twins and newborns, I am still the same way also. You will be fine starting school, you just have to get yourself there...atleast thats what I tell myself getting up for work everyday. Grrr... Hugs, Nan xo

Mirne said...

We did that too ... the time-share presentation!!! I didn't really want to, but my husband said why not. And we got the free meal and the show tickets. Those time-share people are PUSHY.

Catherine W said...

Glad that you had mainly good times in Las Vegas. Lovely photographs. Sorry about the not so great ones.

I swear that twins and double buggies stalk me around at times. The monorail must have been tough

And I would have thought it was a sign too. And my husband would have also disagreed. xx

Kristy ~ said...

Welcome back Christy! I am glad you had such a great time.

I hope the next 17 days go by slowly, enough to help you realize you are much stronger then you think. You will continue to be a great teacher, and everything you have learned over the last 5 months, you will be able to teach to others.


Bluebird said...

Double strollers make me feel like an anxiety attack is coming on!

Anyway! So glad you're back and it sounds like, overall, you had a great trip. I *adore* Phantom of the Opera, and am trying to see it in as many cities as possible! I hear the Vegas show is completely and totally amazing, but also that it's a little different??? So jealous :)

Anonymous said...

OMG, I feel exhausted just reading about your trip! Wow! Way to take it all in! I'm so glad ya'll had a good time overall and that it helped with the date.

Argh, sorry about the EWCM on the date. That's just cruel. Your hubby is smart, but I would've wanted to try, too!

I'm keepin' my fingers crossed for you that school will turn out to be easier than you thought. I hope it helps make being around easier, and that it keeps you so occupied that before you know it, it'll be time to try again!