*sigh*

First of all, my mom is doing ok, so far-thanks for writing and checking in on me :) She had some tests done, and had a scheduled vacation for tomorrow and the doctor told her she should go-he insisted, actually-so that's a good sign. She is having a more extensive test when she gets back to make sure she has no blockages in her heart. She also has fibro-myalgia (apparently-she had forgotten to ever mention this) but has never treated any symptoms from it, and the doctor said it could cause those severe-ish pains-which are treatable. So I'm trying to stay positive-I'm just glad she's going to the doctor and staying proactive.

I'm all over the place lately. I'm reading blogs and feeling like I can absolutely relate to them-those about "miracle babies" and anger and sadness and feeling like I'm ok. I'm really just all over the place.

In trying to protect myself, I just randomly decided to take some people off my friends list on face.book. I freaking hate face.book but I can't stay away. I punish myself by clicking on pictures of babies, looking at baby bellies, looking at the stupid ads on facebook (do you have the cutest baby? are you looking for other moms to talk to-come to cafe mom!), and generally just seeing status messages and ultrasound pictures that make me want to poke my eyeball out with a fork. These people that I de-friended are not even really my friends-and I think maybe I should just start a new one with just the few people that I actually want to stay in contact with. I should just stay away from it. I can't. I'm such a lame-o.

Today I had lunch with my husband (we are both teachers) and two other teachers to discuss and upcoming trip we are taking. Liz, one of the teachers, knows what happened to us. Let me explain to you why she is not my favorite:

-"Well, I'm coaching this year, because when we get back from this trip, it is baby-making time"

-"I really do believe all things happen for a reason, really...I do."

-"I have a friend who had a miscarriage and now that she has another baby, she knows that it was meant to be because she loves this kid so much and she wouldn't know them if the other pregnancy had worked out."

-"I can't imagine how you are feeling, I hope that never happens to us."

Are you kidding me? I'm sure you can just hear the reactions/comments I developed in my head, then nodded and smiled to not make a scene in a restaurant. I'm so sick of having to be the one to edit what I say! I'm trying, I promise. I'm trying.

I have anxiety about things coming up. I'm worried about the start of the new school year-we just got a new principal and I'm not sure he could handle my emotional instability. August 7th is my EDD and I'm dreading it-but we specifically planned a trip to Vegas for the 6th through the 13th-we're away for my due date and our 3rd wedding anniversary.

3 years of "wedded bliss?" Or 3 years of cancer, infertility, and death? I guess, both-I love my husband so much and I'm so, so, so thankful for him but we have had so much happen in 3 years-I can hardly believe it. I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. But we lost his dad after a year-long battle with lung cancer, lost our twins, missed so much work because of those two, B didn't pass a huge test that he took for a national board certification, my thesis paper for my master's degree almost didn't get passed because of a fluke-it has been one stress after another. Sometimes I don't know how we stay as close as we are, and other times I just know I need him so much-I could never do this by myself!

I think I will end this with two photos-they say what words cannot about the way our lives has changed.

August 12, 2006

April 13, 2009