Wednesday, August 5, 2009


Honestly, people say having a child will change your whole life.
But having a child (children) that dies will change it even moreso, I would say. My life is forever changed.
Just about 38 weeks ago, Brian and I conceived two very wanted, very loved babies. They grew and they grew and I tried everything in my power to keep them safe. Everything that I did somehow wasn't enough. I am living my life each day knowing that I couldn't keep my children safe-I couldn't keep them inside of me where they needed to be. I lost a world on April 13, 2009.

I love you so much, Aiden and Sophie, and I am so sorry that I couldn't take care of you. I'm so sorry that people don't think you were a miracle-because you so were. That they think by not coming back to work I wasn't facing things. I'm sorry that I have to wait the rest of my lifetime to get to Heaven to see you. I'm sorry that I spend my nights wishing you were here instead of rocking you to sleep. I"m sorry that you have to hear it when people tell me it just wasn't meant to be and that you weren't part of God's plan for me. You are a part of my plan. Whether you got to live on Earth or go straight to Heaven, you are a part of my plan.
And I just wish you were here. I so, so wish you were here. I love you.


Hope's Mama said...

They are miracles and you did take very good care of them.
And you're right, this changes you way more than "real" parenthood ever could.
Take care, Mama.

Tina said...

I can relate to everything you are saying here. And here is what I think...our babies are miracles, they were meant to be but something went wrong, horribly wrong. Our babies are part of God's plan although I don't know what this plan is. I also know you are a wonderful mother and you love your babies so very much. I wish they were in your arms right now, then maybe we could have become friends on a multiples blog list instead of a babyloss list. I am so sorry for you; for all of us. I hope you can have some "fun" in Vegas.

Catherine W said...

Aiden and Sophie are miracles.
Of course they are.

I wish things were different.
I wish that they were with you.
Aiden will always be your son.
Sophie will always be your daughter.

I hope that this time passes peacefully. I hope that you still manage to celebrate your wedding anniversary under these circumstances. You have been through so much. More than anyone should have to stand.

Love to you. xo

Bluebird said...

Sitting here crying. The most beautiful, *true* words I've ever read.

I'm so sorry they're not here with you.

Just Breathe said...

I wish I could reach through my computer, hug you and cry with you.
I am so sorry for your sorrow.

Anonymous said...

such a beautiful letter to your beautiful babies. I'm so sorry they're not here, too.