Wednesday, August 26, 2009

2 things

1. Every single person in my work that is under the age of 45 is pregnant, their wife is pregnant, or they just had a baby. I am exaggerating, but not by much. I just found out about two more yesterday-through a text message because they are afraid of me. I am so jealous. So angry and jealous.

2. Why can I not see a baby sleeping? I cannot. To me, they do not look like they are sleeping. They look like they are not alive. This makes me ill.

3. I guess there are 3 things. I start work tomorrow-inservice where the whole staff will be in one place. I am terrified. I wrote my new principal an email telling him my "story" and that I wasn't sure if I could stay if it gets rough. Instead of writing back, he came to my room and asked for 10 minutes. He was so kind. He said he already knew my story-that almost immediately more than one person had taken him aside to explain because they cared for me. He said they couldn't even tell him what happened without breaking down themselves. He said that when I ran out of that meeting last week, he looked around and could see the pain and concern on my colleagues faces and that he immediately could tell what kind of a person I am and even what kind of a teacher I am.
This moved me to tears-the good kind. I felt so grateful. I felt so awful for complaining about how they all ignore me, because even though some of them do, I am so lucky to have so many that care about me. I'm nervous as hell for tomorrow, but this is something I have to do. And because so many of you have done it before me, I know I can do it.

4. Wow, I really lied. I wanted to share that I got the nicest e-mail a few days ago from a lady that doesn't live anywhere near me. Our stories are (sadly) quite similar and she wrote to thank me for sharing my thoughts and feelings and helping her know she's not alone.
I can't even begin to say how good this made me feel. I've written that exact e-mail-ourowncreation was my very first blog where I thought-ohmygod, that could be my story. and I wrote her thanking her for sharing her words. And I spent a day reading her entire blog from day 1 through the most current update. I was just a few days out from giving birth-my husband was back to work and I just would lay in bed all day long and read things on the internet. As much as I am still struggling, I think back to those first few weeks and WHOA, I have come a little way.
Anyway, I'm thinking of all of you and thanking you all for sharing YOUR stories, too.
xoxo

10 comments:

Just Breathe said...

I believe that having these blogs is a wonderful way for women who have lost their babies/child to communicate with each other. No one can ever feel your pain but they can definately relate to what you are feeling to some degree. I often think about women in the past who didn't have this outlet.
And from what I read, so many women are almost left alone by their friends/family so they must of been realy isolated. I am glad you have made a close friend and where else can you get daily prayers from your bloggers. Take care and God bless.

Bree said...

Hi Sophie & Aiden's mom,

I just came across your blog from another blog. I just read this last post and realized how much you and I have in common. I lost my daughter, Ella in March at 23 weeks. I am currently trying to conceive while everyone around me is pregnant and happy. I am also a teacher.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm going to go and catch up on some of your old posts.

Bree

Akul's mama said...

No one has the time or the inclination to sit and listen to my lamentations 6.5 months after Akul passed away..no one but my blogger friends...other lost baby moms. They are the only ones who know this pain never ends and on some days it just gets worse than ever before. Thanks to them all for being there and caring.

Mirne said...

I can't look at sleeping babies either. Every time I do, I have to check their chests to see whether they are still breathing. It's incredibly stressful that I can't even see a beautiful baby and just be happy. But that instead all I'm thinking about is death.

Bluebird said...

Honestly? I don't think I've laid eyes on a baby since ours died. Well, that's not true - my good friend from out of state emailed photographs when her new baby was born. But that's it. I haven't seen one in person, haven't held one. . . chickenshit, I suppose :) Oh well.

I am thrilled beyond words about your conversation with your principal. The whole thing - from his kind words, to the reaction of the room when you left - just brought tears to my eyes. I am so, so glad for you, and hope that this brings you some measure of comfort over the coming days and weeks.

Thinking of you.

Missing Kasey said...

Thinking of you! I am glad that you had "that conversation" with your principal and he was kind hearted. I am also glad to hear that there are people at your school who care and are trying to protect you. I guess there are kind people in this world...
I started blogging I dont know why, but since then I have found people who know what I am going through bc no one in my "real" life knows. I felt so alone, but since blogging I am not alone. We are all here to bitch, cry, complain and celebrate with each other and for each other. ((hugs))

Shanti Mama said...

Working in environments that are mostly female and young are hard because it is all about babies. Oh, or grandbabies too.

My husband also works in a school and hears a lot of it too.

As for the sleeping baby thing, I have on numerous times had a momentary "shot" of irrational panic when I see my 3 year old sleeping thinking the same thing.

Hopefully each of these meetings will get easier once you get through them. And if you have to leave, go ahead and excuse yourself. I have been through a bunch of inservices when I was teaching, often your not missing too much ;-).

PS good principal, whew.

Kristy ~ said...

Check out my blog...I nominated you for the Honest Scrap Award.

*hugs*

Tina said...

I just want you to know that my first week back was hard. I had thoughts swirling around in my head constantly. And it is really hard knowing everyone know, but yet most of them don't say anything. I cried everyday on my way there.

However, since the kids came back, things are easier. I am so, so busy all day long that my mind doesn't wander as often as before. I have talked to different children a couple times about my babies, and that was okay, actually I welcomed it.

You can do this, yes it may be difficult, but we have already lived the worst and we can get through this too. I will be thinking of you in the days to come, as always.

Kristy ~ said...

I'm not a teacher, so I cannot relate to what you are going through. Just know, that you are much stonger woman then you may think and you will be able to do this. Your kids will also pull you through, they have a way of doing just the right thing at the right time - even though they have no idea.

This blogging world is an amazing thing. All of us mommies who have lost babies can understand when the other vents, screams, cries or is even having an okay day. We don't judge because are going through the same thing, have been through it or will at some point. Its nice to know you aren't alone, especially when in our real life, it can feel very alone.

Wishing you much strength in the coming days.

*hugs*