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is how I'm feeling today.

Tomorrow is the first day of school. Need I say more?

Yesterday, we took a road trip in honor of my hubby's dad. It will be 10 months on Wednesday that he has been gone. We drove to where he grew up, where he used to work, where he met his wife, where his parents are buried (this part=not good because there are infant graves EVERYWHERE in cemeteries and I NEVER noticed it before. Especially ones like this that are pretty old). We stopped at little Amish shops, waited for buggies to pass in front of us, visited antique shops. Ate at a local bar. I took tons of photos. We reminisced. Talked about the good things, the good memories. It was incredibly healing and made me feel so good.

Last night, we took the dog for a walk and had really nice talk. Hubby shared lots of thoughts that I didn't have any clue went through his head. We talked about the stupid infection, and when we could have gotten it. We talked about how sad we are, but how hopeful we are. How we just wished we were pregnant already.

So, I went in to the trusty due date calendar. I am supposed to ovulate very soon; I am on day 9 of my cycle. Ya know, if things are working like they did last month. The date I put in would put my due date as May 31st. My birthday. Before B has to take his students to France. I would only miss the last few days of school (ya know, assuming I don't go into premature labor). Perfect.

But it isn't 6 months like the doc told us. It's only 5.

I so, so want to do it anyway. I just want to try.

Heaven knows the chances of it working anyway are so, so slim. So what could it hurt to try?

But it isn't 6 months. It's only 5.

I want to do it anyway, and hubby agrees. That-him agreeing-scared the living daylights out of me. I said the F word. I couldn't believe it. I don't know what to do! I honestly just. don't. know. what. to. do. Other doctors told people at the exact stage as us only to wait 3 months. But I trust this doctor. I know it's *better* if we wait. alfjlfj;kaf. Whose saying it would even work anyway, cause you know it won't.

Except, what if it did?

Honest Scrap Award

I have been nominated for the Honest Scrap award I have to say that, especially in my emotional state, this made me come very close to crying. I can't believe how lucky I am to have this blog, this community, the internet. My mom did not have these opportunities when she lost my sister. I feel so lucky to have all of you!

There are some simple rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

So, I pass this award on to:

Stacey @ http://iamstacey.wordpress.com/

Bluebird @ http://littlebluebirdsfly.blogspot.com/

Krista @ http://jandkplustwo.blogspot.com/

Nan @ http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/

Lea @ http://nicholastouch.blogspot.com/

Bree @ http://butterflybaby15.blogspot.com/

Avery & Sophie's mom @ http://hisaak.wordpress.com/

and here are my ten honest and hopefully interesting things....

1. I teach very beginning French, and I run my class using total immersion. Meaning from day 1, 90% of the time I speak only French to them. They absolutely love it and it is so effective. And it's fun! By the end of the class, they have learned so much!

2. I met my husband while working at a French immersion summer camp in the middle of Minnesota. He teaches high school French. We only use it together when we don't want other people to understand what we are saying!!!

3. I absolutely. HATE. people in masks/costumes. I have been chased around places by our school mascot, a man dressed like a leprechaun because people think it's hilarious how scared I get. It totally just freaks me the heck out.

4. I love musicals. When I was growing up, I lived about an hour train ride from Chicago. My mom and I would save up and buy tickets to Saturday matinees and take the train down. I've seen over 20 and love it!

5. I have been to France 6 times in the last 8 years. I love it there and I wish more than anything that we could run away from here and move there. One of the main things that is stopping me is that my dog would have to be quarantined. Well, and I'd miss my mom. I do like Paris, but it is by far not my favorite. I actually love the rainy north the best.

6. I am a book fanatic. I love, love, love to read. I read all kinds of books-including young adult books. They're actually my favorite. My real dream is to write young adult books-since I work with middle schoolers and feel like I kinda understand them.

7. My parents are divorced and my dad and I estranged. During the divorce, he sued me for student loan payments and wrote a letter telling the dept of ed that I had forged his signature to get out a loan (obv. not true). He also canceled my health insurance by forging my signature and w/out knowing that I had to have emergency gallbladder surgery. All because I wouldn't talk to him since I was angry that he had an affair. I also found out through an email from him that he is not actually my sister's father-neither she or I knew this.

To this day he has no idea what he did wrong.

8. I secretly want to be a principal of a school someday.

9. I love all music. When I'm the most sad, I crank it up as loud as I can. When I was growing up and my parents would fight all the time, I'd lock myself in my room and crank it up. It can pretty much lift me out of the depths...well, almost always. Not as much recently.

10. I try so hard to pretend I don't follow fads, but really-I've read Twilight and I LOVED it. I am so a person who jumps on the bandwagon and most of the time I like it! :)

Some Updates

*I went to inservice and I survived. Two more ladies at my school are pregnant. I wanted to die most of the time. But I made it through. So many ladies here are teachers and they have all been supportive-telling me that I can do this. It's just not the kind of job where if I need time-if I need to break down-I can't. I can't walk out of a room of 30 7th graders and leave them there so I can cry. I know in the long run that I need this-that I need to stay busy and be distracted and do what I love. I just am scared and stressed.

*I am loving my new principal. We have this group of "good ol' boys" at my school-you know, the nay-sayers, that don't like change, and all of that. I think they're funny, but annoying because they try to stop every forward thinking thing we try to do. Anyway, during staff meetings, they always try to sit away from the rest of the staff. The principal was like, "Hey, guys-how about joining the rest of us over here?" He made them move! AND he stopped the meeting and SHUSHED them. I was cheering on the inside! Finally, someone stands up to them!!!

*The surrogate mother situation. I can't even..I don't even want to say this because, honestly, this has GOT to be a worst-case scenario. I would never want this to sway someone out there from choosing surrogacy. I just feel so bad for this woman.

Ok, so K is the surrogate mother. She chose this couple, T & J, because they had lost two sets of twins, and the doctor had told them it was not safe for them to try anymore to have children.

So they sign all the contracts, do all the transfers and everything, and K becomes pregnant. At around 7 wks, she has some bleeding and starts to worry-but no miscarriage. At 8 wks, she finds out...you are NOT going to believe this. That J, herself, is PREGNANT. No lie. She is a month behind K.

Are you with me? This is nuts.

So the pregnancy continues, and at their 19 wk scan, they find out there's a possibility of downs. They have an amnio, and it comes back 100% that the baby has Down's.

Friday, K is told that no matter what, they want to terminate. She is pushing hard for them to allow her to carry the baby and give it up for adoption. She has gone to see them, emailed, talked. The only thing she can due is break the contract, and then there will most definitely be a lawsuit filed against them. The termination is scheduled for Monday and Tuesday.

I just can't believe what a mess this and how bad I feel for everyone involved in it. :(

The way it should be...

This weekend I should be nervous.

Nervous because on Tuesday, I'd be alone with my twin babies-just a few months old-and my husband would be going back to work to start the new year.

I'd be exhausted, stressed out, crabby, and crazy. I'd have learned how to breastfeed both babies-maybe at once, but probably one at a time. I'd totally have diaper changing downpat-could probably do it one handed.

I'd have figured out how to take both babies to Target with me-juggling their carriers with opening the van door.

I'd have come back to school, just to get my stuff ready for my long-term sub and to let everyone hold the babies. The house might still be full of balloons and gifts and casseroles.

Sophie might be quieter and Aiden a little squirmy. They'd both have fuzzy hair. I would not dress them the same-well, maybe once in a while. We'd be working on trying to take them for a road trip to visit my mom.

There's no way I'd be sleeping in on a Saturday-I'd be up all night, but loving it. I wouldn't be trying out new hobbies, or trying to find something to do to occupy my time.

I'd be so busy. So buys and stressed, but completely and totally in love.

Instead, I sleep until 11 on Saturday. I come home to an empty house. I come home to a for sale sign in my yard. I come home and feel my flabby, soft belly. I come home to my husband, who is sad and hurting for me. There are no babies here. No cribs. No diapers. No balloons or casseroles. Leftover plants in "memory" of them. Sympathy cards.

Just me. And my dreams of what should have been. Nervous for a first day of school and if I even have it in me to smile in front of 30 7th graders. Nervous because even more people at my school are pregnant. The mom club. The club I am not a part of. Everyone laughs because one girl is 2 days from her due date. They laugh and smile, sharing stories of their kids' birth. "My contractions..." "Oh, and then my husband...."

I think of birth and I start to shake. I feel sick. I remember the horror I felt. The panic that I knew I couldn't stop this but it was too early for my babies to survive. The blood. The infection. The pain. The tears. The nurses looking at me with pity. The phone calls I had to make. The look on my mom's face. The look on my husband's face.

There is no happiness with birth for me. How can I even think of trying to have another baby when the very same thing could happen again?

So much...

I have so much to say, but I am emotionally drained and physically exhausted from this day. I had to post, though, just to offer up a wish, a hope, a prayer, for Mirne and Craig...I cannot wait to see the pictures of their smiles and their new baby boy. I hope that somehow Freyja and Kees can look down on their mama and dad today...

and to ask for a wish, a hope a prayer...

a friend of a friend of mine had 2 textbook pregnancies and decided to do possibly the most selfless act on earth and become a surrogate mother. She chose (or was chosen? I don't know how this works) a couple who has lost TWO sets of twins.

She is in her second trimester, and today at the big u/s the baby was diagnosed with Down's Syndrome. She is very worried, and feels guilty, and is very unsure of how this pregnancy will continue, and doesn't have a lot of say in any of it.

Oh, my. I can't even begin to understand the complications of this.

2 things

1. Every single person in my work that is under the age of 45 is pregnant, their wife is pregnant, or they just had a baby. I am exaggerating, but not by much. I just found out about two more yesterday-through a text message because they are afraid of me. I am so jealous. So angry and jealous.

2. Why can I not see a baby sleeping? I cannot. To me, they do not look like they are sleeping. They look like they are not alive. This makes me ill.

3. I guess there are 3 things. I start work tomorrow-inservice where the whole staff will be in one place. I am terrified. I wrote my new principal an email telling him my "story" and that I wasn't sure if I could stay if it gets rough. Instead of writing back, he came to my room and asked for 10 minutes. He was so kind. He said he already knew my story-that almost immediately more than one person had taken him aside to explain because they cared for me. He said they couldn't even tell him what happened without breaking down themselves. He said that when I ran out of that meeting last week, he looked around and could see the pain and concern on my colleagues faces and that he immediately could tell what kind of a person I am and even what kind of a teacher I am.

This moved me to tears-the good kind. I felt so grateful. I felt so awful for complaining about how they all ignore me, because even though some of them do, I am so lucky to have so many that care about me. I'm nervous as hell for tomorrow, but this is something I have to do. And because so many of you have done it before me, I know I can do it.

4. Wow, I really lied. I wanted to share that I got the nicest e-mail a few days ago from a lady that doesn't live anywhere near me. Our stories are (sadly) quite similar and she wrote to thank me for sharing my thoughts and feelings and helping her know she's not alone.

I can't even begin to say how good this made me feel. I've written that exact e-mail-ourowncreation was my very first blog where I thought-ohmygod, that could be my story. and I wrote her thanking her for sharing her words. And I spent a day reading her entire blog from day 1 through the most current update. I was just a few days out from giving birth-my husband was back to work and I just would lay in bed all day long and read things on the internet. As much as I am still struggling, I think back to those first few weeks and WHOA, I have come a little way.

Anyway, I'm thinking of all of you and thanking you all for sharing YOUR stories, too.

xoxo

Screw you, About.com

"Before you get panicked at the inevitability of preterm labor, let's break down the statistics. If you are having "just" twins, you are likely to have full-term, healthy twins within the last few weeks of the third trimester. Of the seventy percent that were reportedly born early, many were born within a few weeks of their due date. Fewer are born severely prematurely at 24-28 weeks. You can increase your odds by maintaining a healthy pregnancy."

Really, about.com? All I have to do is maintain a healthy pregnancy and that will make my chances better to not have premature labor?

So....what? Do you mean, like, don't eat deli meat?

Like I said, screw you. Screw you for coming up in my search.

The Doc

Oh, I was so nervous this morning. I had my list of questions and then I wanted to talk about the "plan" for a next pregnancy. Dr. P was his usual self, so I had to suck up a little. Remind me if I forget that I need to scan in the drawing he made for me to explain what funneling is.
First of all, shouldn't there be a seperate waiting room at the OB for those who are NOT pregnant? And why are the only ones you see SO PREGNANT that you couldn't even guess they were just a little chubby?
Anyway.
He tells me there will be, assuming I get pregnant with only a singleton, a less than 5% chance of the same thing happening (premature rupture of membrane). He says with a singleton I should breathe a sigh of relief. He says that he studies and researches preterm labor-that's his specialty and that it's all going to be ok.
He says that if I, on the smallest chance, get pregnant with twins again, then he will (and I quote) "fill me a script for valium".
HILARIOUS, doc. So funny.
Funnier is that I want the valium now and I'm only THINKING about ttc.
He says he'll check my cervix, ya know, often.
If something is going on, we'll do something about it. But putting in a cerclage or giving me 17p is only for when something is happening that's wrong.
(I guess this bugs me bc I tend to try to be on the preventative side)
But there are risks with all of those preventative things, so you're taking a risk by using them if they are not necessary.
He says that since I had an infection once (if it was infection that caused the pprom, and not just having twins), it means I have an even lesser chance of having one again.
I said, "Sir, if I were your daughter-would you tell me to try again?"
"Oh, absolutely" he said, without missing a beat. Almost scoffed at the thought.

I feel good about it.
I feel mother-f&*(^&*^%&*%*&%(&* terrified about it.

A less than 5% chance. Shouldn't that make me feel better? I shouldn't complain about that. Except I've sort of defied the odds in everything else on the bad side of statistics.

Now, I guess the decision is when we should start. And hope that somehow we get lucky and actually get a second chance at this.

Hope you're all doing well, ladies. I'm at school right now, procastinating working on my lesson plans-one week for tomorrow there will be 30 kids shoved in here! Yikes!

OH! And!

My mom finally got all her test results back yesterday and there are NO major blockages in her heart! This is GREAT news. She still has pain, but they've ruled out heart so that is amazing. :)

P.S.

'Member how on my due date I had EWCM? And I was pretty excited 'cause I thought I ovulated for the first time ever, thanks to the miracle/evil drug met.formin?

Well, my due date was August 7th.

Yesterday was August 21st. 14 days later.

And Madame Aunt Flo came for a visit, "like clockwork" (I've heard people say-my cycle has never ever been like that).

I'm so happy that this medicine is working and, hopefully, I will be able to conceive w/out clomid.

I'm so pissed off that my husband was like, "no-we have to wait like the doctor said" because, in concept, I could be pregnant right now.

Meet with the peri Monday and I'm so nervous!

Sinking....

This week my heart is so heavy. I feel the stress in my shoulders, my neck, my back. Everywhere I look-pregnancy, babies, vocabulary-"conceived, infancy, viable, twin." I really, really hate the word viable. I did everything I could to get the babies there and even though they were textbook viable, they did not survive. We use the word viable all the time and not in the way it is meant.

I had two meetings at school this week. The first one was ok-it was doable. I've come to expect that people will look at me but not really see me. They don't say a word-not even a "hello" or a "good to see you." I am invisible.

My meeting Wednesday was awful. I had to leave, running-sobbing-almost hyperventilating when out of nowhere, a colleague, who was not at all a part of this committee, comes walking in-in the middle of a meeting-pushing her stroller with her brand new baby. Her baby that will always be THE ONE. The one that was due at the exact same time as my Aiden and Sophie. When her baby is one, I should be throwing a birthday party, too. When her baby graduates from high school, I should be getting ready for my twins to go to their choice for college. I know it's not fair to her, but to me, this will always be the hardest. At the meeting is another colleague who is due in 2 weeks. People fall all over her, making sure she has the cushiest chair and water and she mentions she wishes her baby would come "sooner than later." She mentions that her other daughter's birthday is soon and she hopes, for goodness sake, that they don't have the same birthday.

I wonder what that is like. To wish your baby would come sooner than later. I would have done ANYTHING to keep my little ones inside for even one more day.

I left this meeting and cried in the office conference room. Some people followed me but nothing they could say would help me. I just wanted to go home. I asked to go home. I almost called my husband to come and get me. I heard that baby cry and that was it. I can't see it. I can't.

Somehow, I stayed. For this, I am proud. I am proud of the fact that I cried and shook and almost threw up, then I gathered myself, drank some water, and walked right back into that meeting with a new boss that I've never met, with my eyes puffy and my skin blotchy and my hands shaking, and I set some building goals with my colleagues. The colleagues that, overall, don't seem to know that I lost my babies.

I've read so many books and blogs and stories and I know. I know people "don't know what to say" and they "don't want to make me sad" and my grieving makes them "uncomfortable" and they "mean well" but honestly, I am sick of those excuses. I had two children. People still say to me, "When you have your first...." Yeah, catch the trail off there? I had my first! And my second, I guess, while we're at it.

This week just was so hard. And next week-inservice-the whole staff. The students I'm not worried about. The students won't be so awkward about it. They'll say it or they won't. They'll hug me and ask me how I am. They'll probably ask to know what happened and ask if I'm feeling better because-oh, right-I was really sick from the babies and the infection. I didn't feel better from that for a long time, but the grieving part clouded that over.

I have spent the last few months grieving, but it's certainly not over. In 2 months we'll have the one year anniversary of losing my father-in-law to cancer. Then it begins. When we got pregnant, when we found out, our ultrasounds. These dates, they haunt. They follow me. The are yelling at me when I try to turn my back.

In other news, we fired our realtor! The company we were using was a discount selling kind, and it just was not working out. We had so few showings and the realtor was set up to make a commission for doing, essentially, nothing! We were doing it all ourselves. So we went to meet with a dift realtor recommended by a friend (who immediately showed us, grinning and proud, the picture of his 4 children-look how beautiful they are, he said) and we felt comfortable with him and liked what he had to say. So we ended the contract with the old one, and we are cleaning this weekend to have a prof photographer come to take house pictures. We were supposed to have an open house on Sunday, but since we fired the company, I'm thinking that's not going to happen, so now instead we are going to have clean and stage again!

I am trying to stay hopeful that it will sell!

I am looking forward to just getting past the first few days of work-getting back into a routine-working hard and focusing on whatever part of the future that I can still see. Here's to a better week! :)

Well, a $100 trip to Barnes and Noble later...

and I've finally been able to stop crying.

I threw a baby shower today. It was for my best friend. She just adopted a baby boy from Ethiopia. I"ll put a picture of him at the end and you will not believe how beautiful he is.

It was so hard, seriously, you guys! I know I am WHINING. It sucked.

I'm so glad I did it.

But it was ALL mom-club only, and I am NOT a member (and definitely not the president!).

And it was at MY house. And I couldn't get away.

And I am so ashamed because I needed to do this for my friend, who deserved it, and I had to go in the basement of my OWN house and cry.

Someone-one of my colleagues-brought their frickin' 2 month old baby. Another one a 6 month old. I heard the baby cry and WHAM-there I am in the hospital, crying and bleeding and wishing myself away, anywhere but there.

Um, HELLO! Did I invite them to bring their babies?

I know. Irrational.

I so am.

I just spent $100 on books. And ate 2 pieces of cake. "It's a Boy" cake on top of it. I had to bring that cake home. And buy "It's a boy ballons." And make cute little favors. And buy a baby book. And wrap it. And make invitations with cute little blue footprints. Footprints are one of the only things I have from my babies. I hate footprints.

I had a boy. And I didn't get It's a Boy balloons.

I had a girl, too.

I know this is so selfish-it is not all about me. But I am just so ANGRY at how unfair this is. And it's even worse, because my best friend has not had an easy time becoming a mom. She has hydrocephalus and had surgeries when she was little which eventually left her infertile (because of infection/bacteria, not because of hysterectomy or anything). She tried for 2 years w/out success-started out adopting from Columbia, which fell through. Switched to Ethiopia and got matched-pictures, videos, had showers, got nursery ready. Fell through. Finally she has her little boy and here I AM feeling sorry for myself. Wanting to bang my head against the wall. Wanting to scream.

No one even mentioned anything about the babies-of course not. I didn't even want them to. But now that's it over I wish they would have. Of course. They can't win with me.

And the one person that did-I got the ever infamous, I had a miscarriage too, in between my kids, at 7 weeks... you know where this is going.

I am NOT, please know, I am not trying to minimize a miscarriage.

But please, please, this is different! I met them! They curled their hands around my fingers!

I yell this inside my head. No one hears.

I am so stressed about school. I have so much to do and can't bring myself to do it. I can't concentrate. I can't formulate coherent thoughts or sentences. I can't make t0-do lists.

Oh, I am wallowing, ladies.

Feeling soooo sorry for myself. :(

I need to put an end to this post!!!!!! So here are some pictures of the shower :)

The new baby (well, he's one!) (told you he was ADORABLE)

My baby, Louis:

The favors I made:

And, the cake I just devoured:

Back and not so happy about that!!!

Ok, I guess it's kind of good to be home....for the sake of our checking account/credit cardtab.Yikes. I have too much to say, so I think I'll make a list so I don't ramble.

*I feel glad that my due date has passed-it was a really hard day and I was glad to be distracted by the fabulousness of La.s Veg.as. I cried, but behind my sunglasses and mostly could stay distracted. I think the buildup to it was worse.

*I would like for people to please NOT take their small children on vacation when I am there. Please leave your newborn babies out of the 107 degree L.as Veg.as weather. They are only there to taunt me. To try to break me! Um, hello, people-you are ruining my vacation!!!! (I hope you know that I'm (mostly) kidding).

*People apparently travel only with their identical twin siblings. Or bring their identical twin siblings on trips. Everytime I saw a double stroller, I would brace myself to see what's coming. I got on the monorail once with boy/girl twins about one year old and it was THE longest 10 minutes of my life. Thank goodness horrible thoughts don't actually hurt anyone or I would be in big trouble. I'm praying that I can get past this horrible jealousy stage kind of soon.

*Oh, on my due date I freaking ovulated. For what I think is either the first or second time ever in my life, on my own. I had eggwhite cervical mucuous, and it was, you guessed it, day 15 of my cycle. This should be great news, but it's still to early to try and I was desperate to. I thought it was a sign or something. B disagreed. He's so levelheaded I want to smack him. Can't do that for a few months, and I have a dr appt with a peri next week to get through first. It sucked big time. Irony.

*I am SO sick of shows/movies about the "Oops, I'm pregnant" story line. We went to this cool studio thing at MG.MGr.and where you can test out shows and I was so excited. We saw the show "Acciden.tally on Pur.pose." I wanted to run, run, run, run. Storyline= 36 year old intelligent, beautiful, single woman. Decides to randomly have a one-night stand with 21 year old moron kid with stoner friends that sit around playing nintendo or whatever. Oops, she gets pregnant and decides boy can move in with her. Gee, does that sound familiar? Jaded=me.

*We went to a timeshare presentation (I know-dumb idea) to get free show tickets and while I successfully told the guy no, I did not successfully deal with "Do you have kids? Are you going to have kids? How many kids are you going to have?"

*Whenever really happy things happen to me now, instead I cry. Fireworks on the 4th made me bawl like a baby. We went to see Phan.tom of the Op.era, which I love so, so much. I had seen it before in Chicago, but in Vegas it was SOOOOO amazing. We saw it on our Anniversary after having steak at Mon Ami Ga.bi, a French restau at Pa.ris, Las Veg.as. I felt so happy and all I could do was cry (secretly, of course). I just feel like I wish I had a child to share the happiness with. I wish we could show a little kiddo how much love we have for them. It's there, just waiting. Instead, I'm just a mom to two dead babies and scared to try again for another. Families together make me so sad.

*We had a great time overall. It was the best decision-off on our own, low-stress, lots of things to distract. Great people watching, we played penny slots at every casino on the strip, saw 3 shows, ate great food, and walked a lot holding hands.

* I am sad and scared to be back. My counter says there are 17 days left before the first day of school. I'm not ready. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I can't do it anymore. That I'm broken. That I'll push people away. That the kids won't like me anymore. That I won't be able to pull off the things I normally do. That after 5 months of doing what I want whenever I want, grieving when I need, I will break. I'm just afraid.

*The very first thing I did when I got back was to read blogs. I checked on Mirne to make sure everything was still ok. I checked on Bluebird. I read everyone. I know that you are all strangers, but you feel like friends to me and I want to thank you so, so much. Love to you all!

xoxoxo

I'll leave you with my favorite pictures:

From the top of the "eiffel tower". Having been on top of the real one, it was a little anti-climactic (spelling? did I make up that word?) but still way, way cool nonetheless.

RIP Michael!

Yep, went to the moon. Totally. For real.

This is totally photoshopped, but I did go to the Vegas version of this show and I did NOT win or get called down! Lame!!!!

Leaving on a jet plane...

Off I go tomorrow to people watch, play penny slots, see shows, eat delicious food, walk hand-in-hand with my husband, and try to find a little piece of hope and happiness in Fabulous Las Vegas.

The 7th is/was my EDD and the 12th is our anniversary. I'll be back the 13th in time for the next school to start-meetings, getting my classroom ready-and the horrible anxiety of starting a new year. I also have an appt set up with my peri to discuss a (hypothetical) subsequent pregnancy.

I am having a really, really hard day today. I spent the afternoon with my best friend K and her new son (the adopted one from Ethiopia) and while it is so amazing to spend time with him I can't help but notice...the club that she is a part of that I am not. The smiles she gets. The questions she gets. Most of all, the way that she is THE most important person to her son. He needs her. She is his mom, and he only wants her.

Someday, right? Someday.

EDD

Honestly, people say having a child will change your whole life.

But having a child (children) that dies will change it even moreso, I would say. My life is forever changed.

Just about 38 weeks ago, Brian and I conceived two very wanted, very loved babies. They grew and they grew and I tried everything in my power to keep them safe. Everything that I did somehow wasn't enough. I am living my life each day knowing that I couldn't keep my children safe-I couldn't keep them inside of me where they needed to be. I lost a world on April 13, 2009.

I love you so much, Aiden and Sophie, and I am so sorry that I couldn't take care of you. I'm so sorry that people don't think you were a miracle-because you so were. That they think by not coming back to work I wasn't facing things. I'm sorry that I have to wait the rest of my lifetime to get to Heaven to see you. I'm sorry that I spend my nights wishing you were here instead of rocking you to sleep. I"m sorry that you have to hear it when people tell me it just wasn't meant to be and that you weren't part of God's plan for me. You are a part of my plan. Whether you got to live on Earth or go straight to Heaven, you are a part of my plan.

And I just wish you were here. I so, so wish you were here. I love you.

*sigh*

First of all, my mom is doing ok, so far-thanks for writing and checking in on me :) She had some tests done, and had a scheduled vacation for tomorrow and the doctor told her she should go-he insisted, actually-so that's a good sign. She is having a more extensive test when she gets back to make sure she has no blockages in her heart. She also has fibro-myalgia (apparently-she had forgotten to ever mention this) but has never treated any symptoms from it, and the doctor said it could cause those severe-ish pains-which are treatable. So I'm trying to stay positive-I'm just glad she's going to the doctor and staying proactive.

I'm all over the place lately. I'm reading blogs and feeling like I can absolutely relate to them-those about "miracle babies" and anger and sadness and feeling like I'm ok. I'm really just all over the place.

In trying to protect myself, I just randomly decided to take some people off my friends list on face.book. I freaking hate face.book but I can't stay away. I punish myself by clicking on pictures of babies, looking at baby bellies, looking at the stupid ads on facebook (do you have the cutest baby? are you looking for other moms to talk to-come to cafe mom!), and generally just seeing status messages and ultrasound pictures that make me want to poke my eyeball out with a fork. These people that I de-friended are not even really my friends-and I think maybe I should just start a new one with just the few people that I actually want to stay in contact with. I should just stay away from it. I can't. I'm such a lame-o.

Today I had lunch with my husband (we are both teachers) and two other teachers to discuss and upcoming trip we are taking. Liz, one of the teachers, knows what happened to us. Let me explain to you why she is not my favorite:

-"Well, I'm coaching this year, because when we get back from this trip, it is baby-making time"

-"I really do believe all things happen for a reason, really...I do."

-"I have a friend who had a miscarriage and now that she has another baby, she knows that it was meant to be because she loves this kid so much and she wouldn't know them if the other pregnancy had worked out."

-"I can't imagine how you are feeling, I hope that never happens to us."

Are you kidding me? I'm sure you can just hear the reactions/comments I developed in my head, then nodded and smiled to not make a scene in a restaurant. I'm so sick of having to be the one to edit what I say! I'm trying, I promise. I'm trying.

I have anxiety about things coming up. I'm worried about the start of the new school year-we just got a new principal and I'm not sure he could handle my emotional instability. August 7th is my EDD and I'm dreading it-but we specifically planned a trip to Vegas for the 6th through the 13th-we're away for my due date and our 3rd wedding anniversary.

3 years of "wedded bliss?" Or 3 years of cancer, infertility, and death? I guess, both-I love my husband so much and I'm so, so, so thankful for him but we have had so much happen in 3 years-I can hardly believe it. I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. But we lost his dad after a year-long battle with lung cancer, lost our twins, missed so much work because of those two, B didn't pass a huge test that he took for a national board certification, my thesis paper for my master's degree almost didn't get passed because of a fluke-it has been one stress after another. Sometimes I don't know how we stay as close as we are, and other times I just know I need him so much-I could never do this by myself!

I think I will end this with two photos-they say what words cannot about the way our lives has changed.

August 12, 2006

April 13, 2009